Oops I forgot my meds ( sung to the tune of oops I did it again)

As much as the weather kills me here for a few days last week I forgot about my depression. It may have been raining but my little black rain cloud was the furthest from my mind. So much so I forgot my meds. I'm not sure how many days and I'm not sure I want to know. I was up up way up most of the night and sleep was just not happening. I knew. The meds. I moved to the living room so I didn't bother my mom with my sobs because I knew the roller coaster that was coming. 
I fell asleep again for a few hours and when I awoke it was back. The sinking feeling in my head, the despair, and the rain. All before opening my eyes I knew today and a few following are going to be rough.

I should be celebrating the bible study I went to last night was great. I even felt comfortable, I'm thankful I've found a church here and can even get past the 60+ min sermons because I know God has called me there. Not to mention the wonderful co workers I'm around today. We had such a fun outing this weekend and I'm just so so thankful I work here.

But.
All I want is to be around my church family and friends who know me, know my illness, my moods and can hold me while I cry. It's so so hard for me to meet people and be open. It's exhausting pretending to have it together!

At the same time I see a light at the end of this tunnel because in all reality I'm thankful I had enough "good" days in a row I forgot the meds.

dreams, half marathons, and more

When I was little I wanted to be on broadway, be in the WNBA, a vet, and back on broadway. I loved to sing and dance and was surrounded by people (mostly family) telling me that I could actually do it. I could dream big and be whatever I wanted to be. Deep down I knew they didnt really believe that and I would never be on broadway. Same for the WNBA. I always thought I was too fat and not good enough to do any of those things. But my family still kept on the  you can be anything in the world mindset. A teacher put the nail in the broadway coffin once by saying " there are enough fat actresses on Broadway, you should stick to ag where you belong" so I did. I gave up, and dropped out of drama. Much to my surprise I won state in that year (they didnt), in multiple FFA team events, and somehow was the best poultry judger in the state. If you know me now you most likely know that story, because I'm proud of it........ because I did it. Me... miss too fat and not good enough won.
I am still so so proud.
Same goes with my finishing my 4 5ks... I finished. I'm proud. I did that. me. 100 lbs over weight, un healthy, depressed me. Finished 4 races. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that Sarah.




I'm reading a book called "Lets All Be Brave", there is a chapter called just start, how God made you for a purpose and sometimes you just have to start, even if you think you'll fail.


I decided it was time to go back to my half marathon training. I started looking online and realized that the Seattle Half Marathon is at the end of November. I jumped out of bed and ran in the other room to my mother to ask if she though I could do it.
She said no.

I then retreated back to my room and texted a friend to see if he thought I could do it... he didn't say no, but he nicely said he didn't think it was the best idea.

I got mad, then hurt, then cried a few moments and thought oh well. I proceeded to convince myself I couldn't do it anyways.

Until today.
Today  I started reading "Lets All Be Brave" again. I finished the chapter and then walked 3.5 miles.... Day one of my 8 week half marathon training.
I talked to mom about it again at dinner and we agreed that I would start training and as it got closer go to the dr to make sure im healthy enough... turns out she wasnt really meaning to be a dream crusher, its just how it came out. I said "you think i can do this?" she said "no." end of story... she left out the my heart health isnt the best at the moment part.... I just heard no.




 Ive learned alot in the past few years of spiraling depression ..... I've learned I just dont try anymore. I believe I cant do anything and have completely stopped trying.

I've given up on loosing 100 lbs...
given up on actually going back to australia, ( I should be there right now... I had a trip planned)
given up on being mentally stable,
and being the person I know God made me to be.

So if this turns into another one of my I can do it, failed attemps at something blog so be it.
At least I tried. and will hopefully keep trying......