I hate Medicine!

I'm one of those depressed, anxiety ridden people who hates the thought of NEEDING medicine. But Goodness do I need it. If you’re my family or one of my close friends take this moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
My refill went out a few weeks ago and I felt so great It didn't cross my mind. Then with all the craziness in my life at the moment I just didn't have time to wait on hold for 30 mins between 8-5. So after talking to several pharmacists am told I must make an appointment. I called last week and after 35 mins on hold just went bizark and hung up. Then forgot.
 Until the other day, when  after I felt like I had been shocked and started running a fever I started goolging my eye twitching, insomnia, nauseas, emotional, crazy, twitching, migraine symptoms I realized I'm in full blown withdrawals. I left the apartment twice this weekend and could hardly funtion.
Then I'm upset with myself for being a stupid idiot and (not intentionally this time) making myself feel awful. I can hardly function and am out of control. so I call the dr and prepare myself to make an appointment and fix this crap.... like tomorrow
Well. The idiot in Behavioral health can't speak English to understand my name or date of birth ( maybe its my accent?) so she transfers me to a lesser idiot. by then I'm crying and she proceeds to tell me to calm down. HELLLO You work in behavioral Health aka crazy department. NEVER EVER tell someone to calm down. Depression and Anxiety Rule #1.  I then remove myself from the office because going bat crap crazy is just so professional. They inform me that I can't get it to see the dr again until March 13. Because I ad just googled my symptoms, I knew that I would be locked up in a mental ward if I cold turkey quit my meds until March 13th. which just made it worse.
yes I know this is my fault and I did it to myself but still. After mentioning that I think I'm in withdrawals she says well I can send him a note that says you have an appointment march 13 and could he refill your prescription in the meantime.


Well thanks ma'am
Fast forward a week……

It's 3:00 am and I'm laying on the floor in the bathroom drenched in sweat facebooking my mom who has one to many sick folk in her life. I just took a ice cold shower and am now hugging the toilet with a ghetto icepack on my neck. Thankfully I saw my little temperature thing said 65 or I would have just cranked the air out of habit.

I'm writing this because its so so hard to be honest about antidepressants and medicine and such. No one could paint a real picture for me about the good and bad effects of medicine.  I'm on day 10 of withdrawals and day 1 of new. The pharmacist said it would take another 2 weeks of craziness for me to level out, and the dr Implied with my ovary problems and hormones sometimes its hard to tell. Personally if I came across someone with my crazy symptoms I'd lock me up and drug me until this is over but apparently there are lots of folks in the real world dealing with the same issues I am.  3-5% actually which means there are boocoos of crazys out there. Depression and anxiety is such a hush hush topic which I totally get but I hate the lying. I didn't feel like going to bible study or church Sunday cause I didn't want to look people in the face and say I'm good or I'm fine or dodge be subject. It's awkward if someone says how are you and your like uh I've been better... Crazy... Sick ... Gone postal. I mean no one wants to hear that. That's what those people are there for though. ( Insert thats what friends are for music)  plus contrary to popular belief most suffering with anxiety and depression really dont want the attention. Granted I'm blogging about it but ya know. So now at 3:29 I regret not going. Oh well. Can't change it. Move on. guilt is bad. (I'm quoting therapy mantras in my head)  

Anyways to those of you who are wondering how I am or why I'm "distant" this is why.

I'm sick 

And

Medicine is a bummer. ( or any other inappropriate word you would like to insert. 

Typical New Years Post!

As I lay in bed last night, like I always do the night before I see my Dad, I started thinking about the New Year.   I’m not big on resolutions because quite frankly I haven’t “Finished” much in my life. Why make a verbal vow that I doubt I can keep? its kinda pointless to me and I just set myself up for some let downs! I did however keep a vow I made to myself and that is something to celebrate.  I completed THREE 5k’s this year!!!!!!!!!!  Despite being in a pit of depression and emotional bull crap. I finished them.  People ask why I enjoy them so much and I fianlly realized that each time I'm proving to myself and body that I can do something that my mind tells me I can't. My mind is my worst enemy.....I’m also steadily on medicine, something I never wished or wanted to do but am now mature enough to do so. I made some difficult changes and even jumped head first into living on my own. God has taught me so much about myself this year. Why wouldn’t I celebrate that and look forward to what’s coming next!

If I were a resolution making person they would be something like.

Read the Bible front to back

Bake a cake – rolled over from last year

Half Marathon!!!

Rock the grey hair no matter how bad it gets!

Get some financial peace

Fall in love again…….

I've Moved!

 

 

I've been trying to write this for a week now!

 

 

I've MOVED!!

I now live in my own 1 bedroom apartment half a mile from my work!
I can walk in 11 mins and thats with a drink stop!
It was a total God thing the way it all went down, God said "here, have a Blessing Bomb"
With that being said still cound use prayers for a part time job or something to change in the mulah world:)

Lots of changes going on with me, new friends, new me, new medicine, losing friends, missing people, new goals, lots of junk!


I have 5 months before my first half marathon! I've been training some in the gym and hoping my 3 flights of stairs a day will add some ump... Because this is my blog and I can be honest I'll tell you I've eaten crap, mostly because its cheaper ( until I get better at planning) and partly because somedays I don't have the will power to not emotional eat- like this morning.  But I'm further than I was 8 months ago and that is key!

Worship is starting to itch at me again, the need to just be completely free in front of the Lord. To sing His praises at the top of my lungs and not care how it sounds, who hears, and if my flab is hanging out. I admitted to some folks that while I'm up there on Sunday that I don't know why but I just can't give all of myself. I did in worship off state on Sunday but all that came out was pure emotion and tons of tears. Maybe thats why I can't on state. Anywhooo.... I'm learning, trying, praying, and growing in this area.

Like I said- lots of changes!
Hopefully blogging more and keeping you updated on my workouts will be one of them!!!

I DID IT!!! 50:04

I can't do it I said to Savahna as we are nearing the crowd of people cheering loudly. My body hurt, I couldn't breath or see. Don’t fall, your doing this for a wonderful cause,  don’t fall, stop crying, don’t fall was all that was crossing my mind when I stepped over the finish line.

This is the best worst picture I've ever taken!

 

Thank you JESUS I DID IT!!!

 

50:04

 

I did it!!!

 

I knew going in that I'm not in a movie, I'm not a Disney princess so my mommy and Greg and all of my friends weren’t suddenly going to appear at the finish line. But because they weren’t there it meant so much more.

 

I did it. ( all GOD)

 

If you have spent any amount of time with me then you know I have some self image issues. So it's no surprise that the morning of the race up until the last minute I didn't think  I was going to make it. I know some of you are rolling you eyes and saying things like oh you were fine but seriously y'all I still can't believe that happened! I asked my mom if I was dreaming and was going to wake up and have to do it all over again! These past 6 months have not been the best and it just amazes me what the lord can do!

 

God made me realize the strength I have in Him this weekend. He knew exactly who I needed there and why, ( love you Savahna)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 This weekend brought new meaning to Philippians 4:13 for me!

 

 

Night before my first 5k!

Gosh I've been neglecting my blog. Partially because when I gave my blog a makeover and started on this journey I thought I'd be "smaller, lighter, faster" than I am now, Like the isarah5. Sadly I weigh more than I did then and am not near where I thought I was going to be 6 months ago. But thats okay.  My 5k is in 8 hours and of course I can't sleep and junk, because nerves just plain stink!


When I went into Lukes Locker to pick up my registration packet I was so overwhelmed with emotion. If you know me then you know I'm always emotional so this shouldn't come as much of a surprise .Especially after spending the day on a date with God ( yeah ask me later ) I want nothing more than to complete that 5k tomorrow and keep on going. Is this your first 5k they said? I was like goodness is it that obvious!! It was such an honor to tell those complete strangers why I am choosing this as my first 5k. And I left that store not embarrassed because I'm going to be the only girl in a men's shirt because they didn't have my size but because I've stuck to my word. I'm going to finish that race tomorrow and God is going to use this in a big way. My friend Jenna compared this adventure as a pilgrimage! Can't wait to see what happens :) I'm also super thankful my friend Savahna chose to come do this with me- more on that tomorrow!

7 months ago best friend and someone I truly care about made the decision to enter a year and a half  rehab program. Before he left he encouraged me to make some changes too. So what better way to attmpt a new and healthy life than to honor him with this first run. I miss him tons and wish more than anything that he was here today/tomorrow. We rarely get to talk besides me sending letters but thankfully the Lord knows what I need and I got to talk to him for about 10 mins on friday! Such an encouragement to make a difference while I'm out here in the real world.

September is National recovery month and even though its almost over I encourage you to check it out. My little bag I got says, Prevention works, Treatment is effective, and people recover. Those 3 statements were quite powerful to me.  Because Alcoholism doesn't run in my family and I grew up ( thankfully) sheltered I've had to do lost of research about alcoholism in the past year or so. Recovery is something that we should all be aware of, not just from Drugs and Alcohol but also our sin and junk that crowds our hearts. I've been reading and listening to lots of Podcasts about the heart lately thanks to my new bible-study **shoutout Team Black Hearts** Anyways we are all in some form of recovery.

 So I'm not just running tomorrow for his recovery.

 I'm running for my own. 

 

Life like a commercial...

I fell off the blogging wagon.
I should make excuses but I'm going to.
"Why did you fall off the blogging wagon Sarah?"


Depression. (and traffic) I feel like Im in a Cymbalta commercial. " Depression Hurts" "Where does depression hurt?"
EVERYWHERE YOU STUPID COMMERCIAL- Insert rage here:)
Seriously that commercial and the Ambilify one ( with the blue robe) Can explain how I feel way better than me.

This is week three of me on an Anti- Depressant.
I'm allowing the Lord to work through the medicine to help level out my emotions.

I have 15 Days until my 5k.
I am way way way way way WAY behind.

I'm going to do it anyways. I don't care how much it cost or how long it takes me. I will cross the finish line one way or another.

This " Run for Recovery" is my way of saying I love you and I care.
So I will cross the finish line.

I walked about 2 miles yesterday and Thursday! Then got up this morning and walked then did some P 90!
so we are on the right tract.
(I then went to the doughnut shop to surprise my aunt... but thats okay.)

I got this yesterday from a dear friend and just wanted to share.

I ask God: take away my habit. God said no: its not for me to take away, but for you to give up.

I ask God: grant me patience. God said no: patience is a by product of tribulations it is not granted, it is learned.

I ask God: spare me pain. God said no: suffering draws you apart from worldly cares & brings you closer to me.

I ask God: make my spirit grow. God said no: you must grow on your own. But I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I ask God: for all things that I may enjoy life. God said no: I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God: help me love others as much as You love me. God said "ahhh" finally you have the idea!

 

Weight, Happiness, and Throwback Thursday!

When thinking about my biggest loser casting call questions I paniced when I saw does your weight effect your happiness. I started thinking back to the best days of my life and if my weight was on my mind at all. Last night in search of “Throwback Thursday” pictures I realized when I saw some of them how much hindsight is 20/20 but no, Some of my happiest moments in life up to date my weight was not on my mind.

I could blog for days about happy moments but I’ll only give a few J

So, after heartbreak in the drama universe, some due to my weight and lack of talent in the sight-reading world I threw everything I had into poultry. I had to make David proud, he was like my Dad and had done so so much for me.  My notebook of chicken information was just the thing to take my mind of drama, and boys. Thinking back now I laugh at how much I just wanted to prove myself to the ag guys. I would never  be state officer but I could grade an egg better than most. State completion went awfully, I was upset at the way I had performered. I’m pretty sure David knew my disappointment with the look on my face when I got back on the bus. Little did I know that I was about to be the First High Individual in Poultry judging. Which in “Sarah Terms” meant I was the best chicken judger in the state that year.
Sadly our team came in second which meant I had no way of competing at Nationals but… I’m sure I could have taken that too ;) Here in this picture was one of the happiest days of my high school Career. I had proven myself and made David Proud.

These are my girls. We dreamed since Jr High about days spent in New York, Central Park, Times square ect. Sadly Blake wasn’t in choir so our dreams of all going to NYC busted….. BUT!!!!! Exceptions were made and money was dished out. And there we were! The little girls who had grown up supporting, fighting, hating, loving, sharing life and love with each other. We did it, we were in Central park, together. That my friends was a dream come true. Was I thinking about how I’m the biggest in the group at that point? NO WAY! I was just happy to be there. But I will forever be slightly mad at Michael for not telling us Blakes eyes were closed.

I’m pretty sure this is my 21^st birthday, Was I worried about my weight then? Heck no.  Contrary to believe unless Abby and I are in Swim Suits I forget that we aren’t the same little girls who hung out in 5^th grade. I don’t think about the fact that I weigh about 125 lbs more than her at the moment.  Always good times with the Abster ( and now Matt)

My Dad came to my Graduation. NUFF SAID

Brandon came to my going away dinner, at church. He wasn’t to found of my church but sucked it up with my family and came anyway. Am I worried about how awful my chins look in this picture? Heck no! I’m just excited He’s there.

AUSTRALIA- Am I worried about my weight here, while I’m petting a Wallaroo. NO.

No

No

Why has it been drilled in my head that my weight defines my happiness. I don’t know how this happened over the years but It has. My weight does not define me. 

Do I want it to change? YES

Do I want to be Healthy? YES

Do I want to knock a certain few people off their feet next time I see them? YES

But does that mean I should let my weight define me? NO

I need to change my way of thinking and get my rear in gear.