I need to blog

I need to blog.

I need to talk about how much I want to go to Kenya.

I need to talk about August church and how awesome it is to be partnering with the Grove.

I need to blog about my half marathon training or lack thereof.

I need to talk about how my depression may be the worst it’s ever been.

I need to say how much I miss Australia

and how GREAT it was to see David last weekend.

I need to talk/blog but I just can’t.

Half Marathon

So today marks week #1 of Half Marathon training complete.

Some of you may be thinking Woah!! I didn’t know she could do that, well I might not be able to but I’m sure going to try. The truth is I love to walk. Finishing those 5ks were the most exciting, hard, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

Even though everyone was so encouraging during my 5k training and such, I was debating not telling the blog and facebook world about my half marathon endeavors because I could so easily fail.  Yesterday changed my mind though.

Some people from church were talking about running and doing 5ks and half marathons. The look on someone’s face when I said “yeah I’m actually in week one of my half marathon training” was priceless. 

They were obviously shocked. I think I played it off well but deep down it hurt.

 I want someone to look at me and not see just the fat girl with a black rain cloud. I guess I need to see myself as more than that before I can expect others to view me that way.

So here’s to trying, my goal is to have one (I have 2 in mind) compeleted by the end of the year :)

just some thoughts...

Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…

Romans 12:2

I’ve been thinking about the verse a lot lately. Maybe because if I could change one thing about myself it surprisingly wouldn’t be my weight… it would be my mind.
My mind is a battlefield. ( thanks Joyce Meyer)

This verse has come up in my Biblical Womanhood studies and some sermons/ lectures I’ve been listening to on Spiritual warfare. I know these two don’t go hand in hand but in my life they do. They are both something that I’ve chosen to not study in the past.  I know there is a battle between good and evil going on out there (& around me so it appears lately) and personally sometimes I would prefer to stay in my little bubble with my fingers in my ears rocking in the corner.

Yet sometimes I feel like I have to get up and fight. Maybe I don’t have a “quiet and gentle spirit” for a reason, someone in Oz once called me a Warrior, what the heck does that mean, should I be thankful I don’t have a husband or kids to think about right now while I get my junk in order? People used to tell me how strong I was … am I? did God make me that way for a reason?  So many thoughts and questions swirling around in my head at all times it’s exhausting. I just want to yell too much change, too much change!!!!

I’ve thought so much this week about the “ would you want to date you? Or have your future children date someone like you” I kept saying NOOO  then proceeded to write down this long list of all the reasons  why I would never date me and never be good enough for a Godly man…  

It says that satan is the Accuser (Rev 12:10) and the Father of Lies (John 8:44) well I turned back a few pages in my journal and saw a list, a giant long list of lies that I believe about myself…. Some of them have been there since childhood others I didn’t even know existed. It made me so sad to see that I don’t believe some basic truths that are listed in the bible. Instead I have this warped view of myself and assume that everyone else sees me that way too……Which is another lie from the pit of hell as my friend Jenna would say.

So here I am going way way back to basics and trying to “renew” my mind. I need to change my way of thinking on many a topic, not just biblical womanhood. Deep down I’m thankful that God didn’t leave it up to me to change myself.

Romans 12:  1-2

I heard (does listening to an online lecture mean I heard it? I couldn’t think of the correct word to use here) Mark Driscoll say Satans lies don’t have to be true to destroy, they just have to be believed. What lies do you believe about yourself right now?

All because I ate a salad.

Once upon a time I ate some bagged salad. Unfortunately my choice to eat something heathly had consequences.  I apparently  had a salad  with a parasite in it.

The month of July and early August were awful. Cyclospora spread rapidly throughout the US. So it's only fitting that I would catch it. I "catch" everything ( but a man)

Apparently the parasite wrecked havoc on my already crappy immune system leaving me open to infections.

I currently have strep, both ears are infected, an upper respiratory infection, early pneumonia , a bladder infection and dangerously low iron. 

All that being said its not "just nerves" or "just satan" Or just my depression. It's just a weak immune system brought on my choice to eat a salad. So excuse me while I eat a Popsicle covered in chocolate :)

All of this because I ate a salad.

"Biblical Womanhood"

 The terms "biblical and womanhood" scare me when they are alone, when used together the fear is enough to send me cowering in a corner. 

When I hear those term I automatically picture the bubbly mother with multiple kids in her impeccably neat home serving a meal she just made( from scratch) for her loving husband who jus got home from work. I think meek, mild, gentle women who say bless her heart and ill pray for you and actually mean it. The ladies with the perfectly teased hair, sparkly jewelry and never get antsy in the most uncomfortable of pews.

While I know that most  this is crazy talk and not what "biblical womanhood" means, its what I think about out of habit I guess.

How can I become this "virtuous" woman when I'm loud, über emotional, find bathroom humor hilerious and have the temper of a 400 lb lineman. Then there's my weight, the fact that my ovaries hate me, my depression  and the whole baby maker not working properly thing.

This is why I have kicked screamed and cried my way through the first few weeks of this study. Not to mention that it's on Thursdays smack dab in the middle of my other small group I've loved for the past year and a half ( I know sacrifice is important, it's only a few weeks, yada yada yada). 

This  study is hard. Hard for me. Hard for moms. Hard for newlyweds.  Just hard. If it were easy we would all be excellent "help mates" running around making perfect babies. After a breakup maybe I just flipped a switch that said broken. No more help mate potential here, just a shell. Or maybe it happened in Australia during the surgeries and such. Or it could be just life but somewhere I changed and convinced myself that I will never be able to be one of those women.  Which brings me back to this study being hard and uncomfortable for me. 

It's so much easier to stay in my funny fat girl shell than strive to become this "biblical woman." 

Fat and funny are easy, and taste good too.......

This weekend- August Church

When I was first approached about being apart of the church plant team I was apprehensive. I felt like I had nothing to offer plus I had just gotten comfortable and finally felt like I fit in with the people at North Village. For once since I've been in Austin I had friends. People I could enjoy the weekends and do things with without it being awkward everyone's single crap that goes on in churches these days. No longer was I spending every weekend alone in my room with a bag of chips....

I begged God not the make me leave or change when I had finally settled. Sadly after a few fits I shut up and listened.

It's not that I didn't love the church plant team, I just wanted the best of both worlds (sorry if I just got Hannah Montana in your head) and didn't want to lose my "family." I'd experienced it before after leaving Hillsong. I miss those people dearly and just don't like that feeling.

Well fast forward  through months of crazyness with jobs, cross country moves and back, emotional battles, and lots of laughs, heartache and tears.

August Church had its Charter and Commissioning service this weekend. It was powerful and emotional for me and God once again showed me just how much greater He is than I could ever imagine. Our elders were ordained, we were "sent out" with our Lights shining (candles), our Charter was signed and we were made totally official.

I also learned that my friendships here aren't based on what church I'm apart of. I had my small group supporting me from afar .  I know that God has allowed me to have the best of both worlds. I still have my friends and a new church family plus the greatest core team ever. Reid has said all along that he couldn't have hand picked a team like this and I now understand that it's just God. I feel like I finally got picked first by the best dodge ball player of all..... 

The Creator Himself. And he showed me tonight that I have the best of the best team mates.

And now pictures :)

Casey and I let worship on for our charter service hence the dressyness!

Crazy Morning

Sometimes I surprise myself with my stupidity.  

So because today is Friday I decided to make a big effort and do my hair and makeup. I mean why not  so I curled my hair the hip new way Abby taught me and make sure I looked refreshing and nice. I jammed to K-love and headed to work

At a stoplight downtown I realized I was cold.

After looking down I noticed that my legs were bare. Then trying to drive and look down I realized I was only wearing boy shorts and a tank top (pjs) To my horror I whipped into a parking lot and headed back home. By then traffic was horrible and the sun was coming up.

I straight up ran (more like shuffled) up the stairs into my apartment.  After realizing just how mortifying the whole morning was I sat in my living room floor and laughed/cried.

I then put on work appropriate clothes and headed back to the land of traffic.

I know they say some peoples brains don’t work as well as others when stressed. Considering what could have happened I’m thankful I noticed before I walked into work.

I’m going home and sleeping this evening!