Break Time

I was reading a blog the other day in which the girl was saying her church family and therapist loved the SH#* out of her. As in loved her through the muddy rough times, and wouldn't let go. My problem with that is that people say that, then let go when it gets really scary and messy.
Then where does that lead me? Even more broken than I already was.
So you have to bare with me as I don't believe you when you say you'll be there ( insert spice girl song here)

I was told I needed a break, so I went ahead and took one from twitter and facebook, mostly because my mouth/brain betray me quite often. I'm sure I'll be back. But until then I'm going to keep being honest on here because.............. its the only place I can be.

Compass- Lady A and Happyness

I've been trying to remind myself of thing that once made me happy or do and I just can tell because of my black rain cloud. I love Lady A and Garth. alot. I haven't listened to much music lately but while trying to make myself feel something besides despair I actually listened to the words of this song. :) sooooooor good.

Yea it's been a bumpy road

Roller coasters high and low

Fill the tank and drive the car

Pedal fast, pedal hard

You won't have to go that far

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

Forgot directions on your way

Don't close your eyes don't be afraid

We might be crazy late at night

I can't wait til you arrive

Follow stars you'll be alright

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

** warning if you want "Fluffy and Positive" stop reading here**

Its hard to function lately. I'm so busy filtering how I feel. I keep monitoring my facebook, twitter, and pinterests in order to keep other from feeling uncomfortable by my emotional crazyness. Sometimes I just want to be honest and say I hate wakeing up, I hate my job,, I cry alot lately or the complete opposite and have no feelings when I should cry, I don't like my new therapist or my old one, I avoid social situations, I have backed out of most of my bible studies and dread church because its exhausting to smile all the time. I can't tell my friends how I feel because it 'bothers'  them, heck I don't even have my best friends phone number any more, and my family has a tendency to freak out or compare their mental issues with mine which does nothing but make it worse. so I figured I could at least be honest on my blog..

Rant over... back to remembering what makes me happy.

I need to blog

I need to blog.

I need to talk about how much I want to go to Kenya.

I need to talk about August church and how awesome it is to be partnering with the Grove.

I need to blog about my half marathon training or lack thereof.

I need to talk about how my depression may be the worst it’s ever been.

I need to say how much I miss Australia

and how GREAT it was to see David last weekend.

I need to talk/blog but I just can’t.

Half Marathon

So today marks week #1 of Half Marathon training complete.

Some of you may be thinking Woah!! I didn’t know she could do that, well I might not be able to but I’m sure going to try. The truth is I love to walk. Finishing those 5ks were the most exciting, hard, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

Even though everyone was so encouraging during my 5k training and such, I was debating not telling the blog and facebook world about my half marathon endeavors because I could so easily fail.  Yesterday changed my mind though.

Some people from church were talking about running and doing 5ks and half marathons. The look on someone’s face when I said “yeah I’m actually in week one of my half marathon training” was priceless. 

They were obviously shocked. I think I played it off well but deep down it hurt.

 I want someone to look at me and not see just the fat girl with a black rain cloud. I guess I need to see myself as more than that before I can expect others to view me that way.

So here’s to trying, my goal is to have one (I have 2 in mind) compeleted by the end of the year :)

just some thoughts...

Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…

Romans 12:2

I’ve been thinking about the verse a lot lately. Maybe because if I could change one thing about myself it surprisingly wouldn’t be my weight… it would be my mind.
My mind is a battlefield. ( thanks Joyce Meyer)

This verse has come up in my Biblical Womanhood studies and some sermons/ lectures I’ve been listening to on Spiritual warfare. I know these two don’t go hand in hand but in my life they do. They are both something that I’ve chosen to not study in the past.  I know there is a battle between good and evil going on out there (& around me so it appears lately) and personally sometimes I would prefer to stay in my little bubble with my fingers in my ears rocking in the corner.

Yet sometimes I feel like I have to get up and fight. Maybe I don’t have a “quiet and gentle spirit” for a reason, someone in Oz once called me a Warrior, what the heck does that mean, should I be thankful I don’t have a husband or kids to think about right now while I get my junk in order? People used to tell me how strong I was … am I? did God make me that way for a reason?  So many thoughts and questions swirling around in my head at all times it’s exhausting. I just want to yell too much change, too much change!!!!

I’ve thought so much this week about the “ would you want to date you? Or have your future children date someone like you” I kept saying NOOO  then proceeded to write down this long list of all the reasons  why I would never date me and never be good enough for a Godly man…  

It says that satan is the Accuser (Rev 12:10) and the Father of Lies (John 8:44) well I turned back a few pages in my journal and saw a list, a giant long list of lies that I believe about myself…. Some of them have been there since childhood others I didn’t even know existed. It made me so sad to see that I don’t believe some basic truths that are listed in the bible. Instead I have this warped view of myself and assume that everyone else sees me that way too……Which is another lie from the pit of hell as my friend Jenna would say.

So here I am going way way back to basics and trying to “renew” my mind. I need to change my way of thinking on many a topic, not just biblical womanhood. Deep down I’m thankful that God didn’t leave it up to me to change myself.

Romans 12:  1-2

I heard (does listening to an online lecture mean I heard it? I couldn’t think of the correct word to use here) Mark Driscoll say Satans lies don’t have to be true to destroy, they just have to be believed. What lies do you believe about yourself right now?

All because I ate a salad.

Once upon a time I ate some bagged salad. Unfortunately my choice to eat something heathly had consequences.  I apparently  had a salad  with a parasite in it.

The month of July and early August were awful. Cyclospora spread rapidly throughout the US. So it's only fitting that I would catch it. I "catch" everything ( but a man)

Apparently the parasite wrecked havoc on my already crappy immune system leaving me open to infections.

I currently have strep, both ears are infected, an upper respiratory infection, early pneumonia , a bladder infection and dangerously low iron. 

All that being said its not "just nerves" or "just satan" Or just my depression. It's just a weak immune system brought on my choice to eat a salad. So excuse me while I eat a Popsicle covered in chocolate :)

All of this because I ate a salad.

"Biblical Womanhood"

 The terms "biblical and womanhood" scare me when they are alone, when used together the fear is enough to send me cowering in a corner. 

When I hear those term I automatically picture the bubbly mother with multiple kids in her impeccably neat home serving a meal she just made( from scratch) for her loving husband who jus got home from work. I think meek, mild, gentle women who say bless her heart and ill pray for you and actually mean it. The ladies with the perfectly teased hair, sparkly jewelry and never get antsy in the most uncomfortable of pews.

While I know that most  this is crazy talk and not what "biblical womanhood" means, its what I think about out of habit I guess.

How can I become this "virtuous" woman when I'm loud, über emotional, find bathroom humor hilerious and have the temper of a 400 lb lineman. Then there's my weight, the fact that my ovaries hate me, my depression  and the whole baby maker not working properly thing.

This is why I have kicked screamed and cried my way through the first few weeks of this study. Not to mention that it's on Thursdays smack dab in the middle of my other small group I've loved for the past year and a half ( I know sacrifice is important, it's only a few weeks, yada yada yada). 

This  study is hard. Hard for me. Hard for moms. Hard for newlyweds.  Just hard. If it were easy we would all be excellent "help mates" running around making perfect babies. After a breakup maybe I just flipped a switch that said broken. No more help mate potential here, just a shell. Or maybe it happened in Australia during the surgeries and such. Or it could be just life but somewhere I changed and convinced myself that I will never be able to be one of those women.  Which brings me back to this study being hard and uncomfortable for me. 

It's so much easier to stay in my funny fat girl shell than strive to become this "biblical woman." 

Fat and funny are easy, and taste good too.......