Wants and needs for 2014

 

This isn't what I thought my life would be like in 2014. Up way too early on a Saturday morning worried about kids because I couldn't see them on their bikes. Plus I spent last night with six 9-12 year old boys in my living room.

Who am I and what happened to Sarah?

I've always been a firm believer that Gods ways are so much greater than my ways. That He knows what he is doing way more than me. Lately though I've started to question.

Maybe its the start of the new year and thinking about change and such....

I want to travel.

I want to become a really awesome cook.

I want to go to my last 7 out of the 50 states before I'm 30.

I want to backpack through Europe.

I want to go on a cruise again.

I want to swim in every ocean.

I want to fall in love.

I want to own a house/farm/condo/flat- I want to own something

I want to see the world and make a difference in others lives.

I need to lose 100 lbs and go back to AUS ( yes in that order)

I need to get my mental health in order.

I need to pay off debt.

I need to buy a reliable car.

I need to finish a half marathon.

I need to be healthy
I need to get a degree.

I need to help with these boys.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.

Instead of a New Years Resolution that I will most likely fail I'm going to jump on the one word for 2014 band wagon.

 LIVE.

This year I'm not going to let my depression/satan stop me from living.

THE BOYS!!!!!

I guess I’ve put this off for far too long, since some of you are highly confused about what is happening in my life.

1.       My friend Stephanie and I moved into a super awesome rent house.

2.       She/we (mostly she) is now power of attorney and caregiver of these two boys.  Yes everything is legal and we are working closely with CPS to make sure these two have the best possible life. With or without us.

Marcus, 9 and Ivan, 10 have become my joy. They get me out of bed, the make me go to work, make me play, learn, and grow.  I never ever thought that I would let them weasel their way into my heart the way they did. Its killer. They are my kids too now, no matter what. I have  GET to be at every baseball game, piano recital, break dance, sword fight, weird minecraft discussion and graduation for as long as I'm able, though that fact terrifies me deep down it makes my heart smile.

Being a parent is hard. Becoming a parent mostly overnight is wack. This hasn’t been easy for me, or Stephanie. These boys have not had the best upbringing and we are learning it’s hard (impossible) to reverse 10 years of damage. I’m thankful for my depression at the moment because It allows me to get on their level and let them know I know how they feel when they are out of control and lock them self in a closet or a corner. I’m thankful I’m a fatty cause these boys can eat me under the table… I have no idea where they put it.  Part of me thinks they are still in the “not knowing when their next meal is” mind frame. With my depression being as bad as it is sometimes I just can’t be as active or involved as I want to me. 

That is gradually getting better ( praise Jesus). The boys saw me head bang and play air guitar on the couch the other day and said woah you really are fun. I cried myself to sleep that night, praying that God would just teach me to be a better mom. Just slap me in the face with mom skills and the ability to be gentle and caring. Sarah used to be sweet. She used to be FUN. She used to love children and playing and laughter. I can't find that sarah right now... I know she's there because she jumped on the couch and head banged. She gave piggy back rides and tickled. Depression has hidden that Sarah from me.... but these boys are forcing her out.

I’m so so so so so so SO thankful for the friends and family that Stephanie and I have. We cannot do it without them/ you. From the financial help, feeding them, playing,  wresting, reading, feeding us ;), making sure they have the best Christmas possible, letting me take a nap and just praying and supporting us. 

Thank you for letting our boys into your hearts. 

The gym scares me.

I'm hiding in the locker rooms at the gym. Every treadmill is full and it's 85 degrees in this place. How do you tell your friend that you can't breath and your not just being lazy but you CANT deal with all the people. Not today. Not this week.  I was like I'll just go walk outside around the building for an hour while your in here yet I got upset because I just can't be normal. It's bad enough that I just can't run. I can jog a bit but I'm just too heavy to run. 

So why am I putting myself through this torture? Because somewhere there is a little fat girl who is terrified of the people at the gym, suffering from depression and anxiety trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she can have a 13.1 sticker on her car no matter how "fat" she is.

 

Did you know?

Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States (18% of U.S. population).

1.8 million people finished 13.1 miles last year.

It should comfort me to know that 40 million people feel the same way I do .

I'll try again tomorrow.

What if we treated every illness the way we treat mental ones....

My social media postings will most likely get me in big big trouble and have already caused riffs because of my oh so brutal honesty but whatevs, I think these are funny.

http://www.addictiontreatmentmagazine.com/addiction-news/mental-health/when-the-stigma-of-mental-illness-keeps-christians-from-getting-treatment/

Grocery store fun

Sometimes I wish it were socially acceptable for me kick and scream and holler just because.... I mean I hate the grocery store as much as anyone but no one wants to see a fat girl crying on aisle 4 cause she can't push the basket. 

I was that person today in the store. The one I hate who just lets their child hit things and people and not say excuse me as they run on an 86 year old mans Velcro shoes. The one who is like why yes ma'am they can have a sample or 8 because I'm broke and they have eaten a hole box of cereal for a snack....That parent who knows their kid is roaring 5 aisles over but to busy on her hunt for breadcrumbs to bother going back. 

I forced the boys to come with me to the store to instead of play outside as a semi punishment or consequence

Jokes on me.

Break Time

I was reading a blog the other day in which the girl was saying her church family and therapist loved the SH#* out of her. As in loved her through the muddy rough times, and wouldn't let go. My problem with that is that people say that, then let go when it gets really scary and messy.
Then where does that lead me? Even more broken than I already was.
So you have to bare with me as I don't believe you when you say you'll be there ( insert spice girl song here)

I was told I needed a break, so I went ahead and took one from twitter and facebook, mostly because my mouth/brain betray me quite often. I'm sure I'll be back. But until then I'm going to keep being honest on here because.............. its the only place I can be.

Compass- Lady A and Happyness

I've been trying to remind myself of thing that once made me happy or do and I just can tell because of my black rain cloud. I love Lady A and Garth. alot. I haven't listened to much music lately but while trying to make myself feel something besides despair I actually listened to the words of this song. :) sooooooor good.

Yea it's been a bumpy road

Roller coasters high and low

Fill the tank and drive the car

Pedal fast, pedal hard

You won't have to go that far

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

Forgot directions on your way

Don't close your eyes don't be afraid

We might be crazy late at night

I can't wait til you arrive

Follow stars you'll be alright

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

You want to give up cause it's dark

We're really not that far apart

So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

Never be alone

Never be alone

When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run

Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

** warning if you want "Fluffy and Positive" stop reading here**

Its hard to function lately. I'm so busy filtering how I feel. I keep monitoring my facebook, twitter, and pinterests in order to keep other from feeling uncomfortable by my emotional crazyness. Sometimes I just want to be honest and say I hate wakeing up, I hate my job,, I cry alot lately or the complete opposite and have no feelings when I should cry, I don't like my new therapist or my old one, I avoid social situations, I have backed out of most of my bible studies and dread church because its exhausting to smile all the time. I can't tell my friends how I feel because it 'bothers'  them, heck I don't even have my best friends phone number any more, and my family has a tendency to freak out or compare their mental issues with mine which does nothing but make it worse. so I figured I could at least be honest on my blog..

Rant over... back to remembering what makes me happy.