Jealousy is Ugly

Jealously is unattractive!

Actually to me it's down right ugly.

It ruined our night last night.








It wasn't just me and my tender heart all up in arms..................................................................
it was pretty much everyone in the room. I think it's crazy how everyone feeds off of each others emotions and drama. What started off as a slight joke just left everyone ( or maybe just me) feeling like crap.
We all acted like we were 13. Jr high boys and girls.

I was calmly convicted by God this morning. Actually I couldn't sleep and couldn't figure out why so it took some heart searching until finally figuring out the answer.
I mentioned in my last blog that we are brothers and sisters in Christ and we should treat others accordingly but I sure didn't yesterday. Yesterday I was a jealous ( for no good reason) emotional drama queen with a bone to pick with poor scheduling, not really anyone in particular.

Thankfully I serve a God who loves me on those days in which I'm unlovable!!!
And I have friends who will hopefully forgive me for my turning into a 13 yr old human :)

Proverbs 31- now that's attractive!

Defrauding & Food

I have a tender emotional Heart. I always have and always will.  God gave me that sensitivity and its up to me to learn how to use it correctly.  In the book ( "Emotional Purity") it talks about women with tender hearts not guarding then appropriately and them becoming calloused mostly because we give our hearts away so easily.
"We not only give out hearts away- sometimes we actually steal the hearts of the men around us" Me a heart stealer HAHAHA I laughed at the Author but continued to read with an open mind.
It was saying that basically you defraud people when you use them or cheat them out of something they need to save for someone else.

Now heres where it gets funny.
I was telling a fellow student this to which they replied.

Sarah you are defrauding multiple men at this college with your cooking.  You can steal a heart with food. You are taking parts of their marriage from them. Food causes an intimate connection. what would your future husband think about you feeding and taking care of so many people espically boys. What happens when "so and so's" wife makes him chicken alfredo and he is forced to lie because yours is better. 

Your food is like sex sarah and you are causing men to stumble.....SAY WHAT


I couldn't stop laughing at her but she was dead serious. 




I wish I could keep writing about the conversation but it ended there. I really have no desire to share with anyone about what is going on in my life and how the book is helping/ rocking my world because of ignorant people like this. We need to love people as Brothers and Sisters in Christ and put our own agendas and feelings aside. Sometimes WE (myself included) make tiny things incredibly big in our little Christian Culture world. Tonight was crazy crazy extreme.   My food isn't causing anyone to stumble. In fact it blesses me more than I ever thought and God continues to use food and fellow ship to bless others around me.


Good night :)

"we are just friends" "yeah so were adam and eve"

ok so in orientation yesterday one of the teachers was making a joke about the 1st year no dating rule and said

"we are just friends" "yeah so were Adam and Eve"

Everyone in the building cracked up but much to my surprise not me..... my eyes suddenly filled with tears and God decided to take me for a loop. Bam right there in the middle of a joke I had a small breakthrough ect.....

Just the night before I was going through some of the things I brought back and ran across "Every Woman's Battle- discovering God's plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment" I put it on the shelf and thought to my self - eh I don't need to read that again I'm not struggling in those areas....

Well God obviously disagreed.

right there in the middle of class and surround by all the 2 semesters -3rd years I had a break down.
suddenly the words "emotionally pure" popped into my head and taunted me for the rest of the day :)

so thank Heavens for Ibooks because I hopped on my handy dandy ipod and searched emotionally pure and bam there was a book recommended by some of my favorite authors...

soooooo I bought it...











After the first chapter I realized I'm in a "emotional relationship" with multiple men. This broke my heart just a little because how can I say I'm ready to be married to one man for the rest of my life when obviously there's other junk going on in my emotions and subconscious.

If you know me or read this blog it will come as no surprise to you that I'm ready to be married. I know God won't keep me single a day longer than planned though :D and that my friends is a new found comfort for me!

SO It looks like God is about to rock my world and my "emotional relationships"

Why am I sharing all this with the blog world? 
some of the people highly disagree with me airing my dirty laundry all over the internet

but

I feel that God is starting to break through and work something huge in my life with this right now and I would like to take y'all on the journey. Also I may need the accountability, and could sure use the prayer.

Proverbs 4:23 says guard your Heart for it is the wellspring of life....

Up until now I honestly thought it had been guarded, slowly I'm realizing maybe I'm not as tough as I think.

Lonely, I am so lonely, I have nobody, to call my own.... ooohhhwoooohoooo

Being back here and 24 is interesting.

Its only one year older than 23.
Some of the newbies have busted out "oh wow your old" lol.
Gotta love the new kids.

Anyways this isn't at all where I had my life planned. If someone ask me would I rather be in snyder and married or single an in Australia! I honesty don't know what I would say, so when a friend asked me and I couldn't answer immediately I started thinking about it.

I never pictured  my life in such an weird place at the moment I have no choice but to follow him. He's made it perfectly clear that I belong here in Sydney for awhile!

Now all I need is a man lol

I want someone to go to church with me
I want someone to kiss me good morning
I want someone to take care of.
I want someone to eat all my food even if it's gross.
I want someone to cuddle with...
 You know all the normal mushy gushy junk


When discussing this subject here most people say "Jesus is your husband" "God is all you need"
Personally I find it aggravating! God has put these desires on my heart and I fully believe that he is preparing me for marriage. Yet I'm still here waiting. So yes the Lord is my rock and strong hold and should I be single forever awesome!

God has another 6 months to mold and work on my heart though!

I know I have to do my part with cutting out the oh woeh is me im single and lonely bull crap but..... Most of the time it's a joke, but most of the time it isn't :)

We had a sermon that ask where do you want to be at the end of the year in which my flat mate and I busted out at the same time skinny and married...
It was quite hilarious for the people sitting around us in church!


Which has started us on a downward spiralling joke of husband hunting. So if you go to hillsong and hear us cracked jokes or popping off thats all it is.... we really don't want to marry you... well some of you anyway






I leave you with a picture of us at the beach!

Stand up? Sit Down?

Hillsong. Holy spirit. God. Home. Passion i don't know what it is but it ruined me :D

How can we sit with our arms folded while we sing about the Birth of our Lord. Trust me I didn't want to stand up. Uhhhhhh I didn't want to  have  the whole congregation looking at my big rear end but I couldnt sit another second! I laughed at myself during joy to the world, why I was bouncing and moving. Silly me didn't care.
I worship how I worship....

I thought of my mom this morning. She used to get super excited during Christmas songs and patriotic music and I would be like "mom stop moving", or "do you not know your the only one clapping?" or "why are you crying it's just a song." Thanks mom for being embarrassing yet planting the seeds of worship in me, no matter how much I wanted you to stop!

I realize I make my FBC congregation to sound like fuddy duddy. They really aren't!!!!  I think out pews are too comfortable because I know the Holy Spirit runs through this place.  I love these people and am in no way saying the way each person chooses to Worship is right or wrong. I'm just saying that for me personally today I couldn't sit still. Next week I may not stand at all.

Where do I fit God?

okay God
Where do I fit in?
 Somewhere in-between Snyder and Sydney I guess.


People told me when I left I wouldn't be the same when I came back. They warn you at school that home is often a battlefield. well I sure don't fit in on this battle ground anymore.

I had to grow up and be slightly independent in Sydney. I had to learn how not to lean on mom or g-ma my friends or family. just God.  I learned how to go to the dr alone.  eat alone. walk alone.  fend for myself ect. God knew exactly what he was doing allowing me to go through this past season "alone" slowly learning how to lean solely on HIM.

well I'm back in the real world. Out of my little bubble and now realize I can't relate to people. I spent so much time focusing on fixing myself and growing ect I must have forgotten how to be human in the real world. Funny.



People keep telling me I'm different. I know that. I would hope that 5 months with intense spiritual classes would do that to someone. I'm glad I've changed. whether you think its for the better or worse I'm still glad.

Many of you keep asking me how I'm doing and I say okay. I'm not good and I'm not bad. I'm just okay. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm just hanging out getting trapped and lost in trying to please everyone from snyder to sydney. Its an awesome awesome pain in my neck,  honestly I wouldn't want to change it.

My prayer is that through all the "changes", "your different's", and awkwardness that the people I come across would see a small glimpse of God light in me.

Even if I don't fit in.

THEN

 NOW

Change

Summer Summer Summer time.... I mean Christmas :)

welp Its summer break for us Hillsong College kiddos.... Sadly I'm in Texas... where its abnormally cold :)

So what have I been up to?
Adjusting to life back in Snyder.
Its crazy to think that I could come back and fit right in. I for sure don't. Probably never will but thats okay!
God is making it easier for me to drop everything in the home I love and continue to follow his plan for my life! He has a funny way of doing things in my book.


I sang on the square with our praise team which was  quite southern and I got to sing Winter Snow.
Here is a craptasticly awesome video

Small town Greatness!!!!

Glad my people came out to support me!