Why I'm okay with going home....

 I started packing this morning... I've been at it for 2 hours and have giggled laughed and cried about 4 times... My emotional health is now just as messed up as the rest of me. Just when I needed it the most I got this message from a friend here....
:) I just want you to know I am amazed by you. This has probably been the hardest year of your life. and even though you may think you are barely getting by, you have walked this out with so much grace. and even though you may think you are an emotional wreck, you have walked this out with more joy than anyone could ask for. God has some incredible things in store for you. I just know it. You may not go back looking more different than you wanted, but you have been transformed. You have gone through this, and come out on the other side. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. youre like our modern day Job. One thing after another. its like right when you think it couldnt get worse it did. BUT in the midst, you never lost your hope in Jesus. You never denied Him or a love for him. sure you've been frustrated and questioning why, but you love him and it is evident. I love you much, I am inspired by you. Like for real. I dont know that I could have or would have walked this out as well as you have. You may be leaving us in the physically, but you are a part of this family. we are here for you. always. theres a special bond that God creates here at college, no one can break that. I'm proud of you and proud to call you friend. love you. thank you for letting me be a part of this journey with you. Cant wait to see what God does with all this. its gonna be incredible. All things that the enemy meant for evil, my Jesus will turn for good, to glorify Himself. He's a good God sarah, you know that in your heart, and still confess it with your mouth, and THAT is a huge testimony to anyone who sees and is in your life. Love you;) 

It was just what I needed to put my big girl panties on and get to work packing as much as I dont want to.
I'm getting so many conflicting feelings... I have people telling me that  God has told them for me to stay, people saying the Holy Spirit is saying go home go home and everything in between. I just want to be well... I want symptoms to stop and if that means I have to do it at home okay. I may be leaving a month or so early but that doesn't mean that this year has been a waste. I've grown more inside than I could ever explain to anyone. I'm a stronger Christian and heaps stronger person. I've learned how to rely on God and only Him. He's basically stripped away everything I ever thought or knew and rebuilt it with a better foundation..... and that my friends is worth every cent, stitch, pain, dr's appointment, humiliation, laugh, and tear that I've experienced here. I wrote songs, made life long friends, memorized verses I never thought I could, fell in "love", passed a Christian Doctrine and Spirit- Filled Living class that quite frankly I shouldn't have and so much more. Just because my year didn't look like everyone elses doesn't mean I didn't complete it.
That's why I have a peace about leaving. I can get on the plane and say I'm not the same sarah that came here last July. I'm stronger..... which was the point of this year in the first place.

Home again, Home again Jiggidy Jig- Surgery/home update

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future- Jeremiah 29:11
This is one of the hardest blogs I’ve had to write for awhile.
As you know last Friday I had emergency surgery to remove a mass from my right ovary. Surgery went great but I’ve had a rough time recovering. Fever, infections, nausea, crazy blood counts and more…

After discussing things, with the Dr’s , school and family we have decided that maybe its best to return home to the states. The current plan, which could change at any point, is to return to Texas and stay with my Grandma in Dilley and recover. This way she can take care of me, drive me around,  ect…
Once I’m back on my feet health wise I will begin looking for a job somewhere and go on from there…
You may be reading this and thinking Wow.
Yes wow but I have to what is best for my health. This hasn’t been an easy decision and was made with lots of thoughts and prayer from myself and other wise council.  I don’t consider this “giving up” , “failing” or “throwing in the towel” this is me doing what’s best for me in the long run. I’ve now had 2 surgeries in a foreign country and that’s way more than I ever thought I could handle. God works in crazy crazy mysterious ways. He is my sovereign Healer and I feel His Peace in this situation.
We have found a ticket for $908 from Sydney to LA and $135 from LA to San Antonio for next week or the week after.  Now we need God to provide money for said ticket. The majority of my finances have been spent on Antibiotics, Pain medicine, Medical tests and sending people to and from the grocery store for food.  I know He will provide a way!
 If you feel that you can help in any way it would be greatly appreciably.

College Probs

I recently stumbled across the collegeprob's twitter and tumblr page... it made for great hours of entertainment as my body still hates me.... so here are some fav's

Home is where the heart is...

Today after spending a few hours being poked and prodded only to find out no reason for my fever...I got in Jareds car and said I want to go home. the closest thing to home here is outback or McDonalds so I  ordered him to Mickey D's despite my strict orders to return straight to bed......

Home is a word thats come up practically every day since I had surgery. Are you going home? Do you want to go home? What happens when you go  home? are you staying for second year or going home? How are your parents back at home handling this? and on and on...

Well I'm not quite sure where or what home is anymore.

If "home is where the heart is" ... then Home is here in Sydney.
If home is where I grew up then its in Snyder
If home is with my parents its Canada or Georgia....

I don't know where home is anymore really. I never thought I could leave Snyder home to so many of the people I care for and love... but I did. Now I have more people to care for and love spread out all over the world......
You'll have to excuse my mopey slightly depressing post but with everything going on im trying to keep my head above water. Someone last semester told me to be at home where ever you go which is something I've prayed for God to show me. My prayer is that I wouldn't wish away time being "home sick" for example while in Sydney I want to be in Snyder but while in Snyder over Christmas I wanted to be in Sydney. I have to constantly ask God to remind me that my "real true" home is with Him, so technically it doesn't matter where I am.

I have a " homesick" playlist on my computer that I listen to when I am feeling down... Its not really even call homesickness anymore... I think its people sickness :) any ways some of my favorites are
Can't go home- Sugarland and Bonjovi
Home- Michael Buble
House is not a home- Glee
Home home on the range
Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
Won't go home without you- maroon 5
Gettin you Home- Chris Young
Temporary Home- Carrie Underwood
And of course My favorite Home is Where the Heart is"-  Lady Antebellum


In other not as mopey annoying news I'm recovering okay. My incisions are looking super but.... ( there is always a but) I have an infection somewhere causing fever.... They ran some tests and should be in contact soon. In the meantime I'm loaded up on Augminten antibiotics to hopefully kill whatever it is thats making me fever and the chills... I had to ask for a blanket today and one of my friends was like woah your cold? this is a first.  I know huh?!

Anywhooo..... Love Yall Thanks for all the prayers and support!

Emergency Surgery? Now?

As most of you know I've been having trouble with me female parts or as we call them here hooha and baby maker. Anyways I went in for a schedule check up to make sure the pesky cyst/mass/tumor hadn't grown( its a cyst but it turned solid therefore making it a mass/tumor according to the aussie health folk). well after some examination and an extremely freaky ultrasound my specialest rushes back into the room and says it has to come out now. Its over doubled in size and could burst at any moment.........
enter nervous break down
............ tears....... I refused, yelled, screamed, hollered... at one point I even sat in the floor!! Why you ask because this was not supposed to be happening again! 2011 in Sydney was the year for no needles or pain... whooopsy
After a small dicussion about the options I finally gave in............ why because there was no other choice. I couldn't fly home to have the surgery, he said it could rupture walking out the door which would totally stink!

Anyways by this time we decided that it had to be affecting some hormone issues hence my 2 weeks of rage and emotional basketcaseness so they thankfully gave me some anti-anxiety drugs to help me out... unfortunattly it blocked out all filters...
Enter Profanity
I was mean..... apparently cussed out a few nurses and the anesthesiologist! whoopsy! Thank goodness I wasn't in a Hillsong shirt I was representing my great state of Texas. (now I know some of you are rolling your eyes at me and shaking your head at me... don't pretend your not. I'm human and people deal with things in different ways... God and are currently working on my mouth and making some serious headway but... yesterday was an off day k?)


SO yesterday I had an emergency laparoscopic cystectomy --- webmd it if your confused :)
Anyways they removed a Golf-ball size thing from my ovary. I have a few incisions and some crazy pain but now I should be like a new woman in a few weeks! 

I'm extremely thankful its over! I mean recovery is awful but I can hopefully get back to my life soon! God knew what he was doing though... because it was an emergency situation I didn't have to pay anything up front, which means the hospital deals with the insurance not me! Money is extremely tight/non existing at the moment so it was a great praise to not have to pay anything yet...

so now my pain meds have worn off and I'm tired of writing! Thank you for all your prayers, calls, text, and messages. I don't have credit  on my phone so please don't be offended if I don't call you back or am asleep when you drop by...  I'm so used to entertaining I need to learn how to rest and recover while focusing on me.

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome!!

Lisa P

A few years ago after a really bad break up I was forced to move back home to my small town... Alone.... no friends... not much family... just me and a big ol house and my life to somehow put back together. I kept being reminded that Lisa Parker had moved in down the road and was the new ag teacher. Lisa grew up in a small town about 30 mins away from ours but we knew each other from ag trips and such..... I mean we spent about 32 hours on a yellow-dawg bus from Texas to Kentucky once ... I knew  who she was. I spent many many night praying for God to bring me a friend... I had plently it was just hard moving back home and re-adjusting. Lisa and I slowly started hanging out... we soon realized it was like we had known each other forever. She quickly became a great friend and we started doing daily life together... we also added another new teacher into the mix Savahna and the 3 of us took on the big town of Snyder Texas together! Lisa being the good girl that she was held our hand through all of my crazy drunkenness, dates, attempts at cooking, dr's appointments, nights to where I just needed someone to cry to because I was lonely, road trips, as much mexican food as you could ever want....... Same went for me... I remember one night her calling thinking someone was in her garage and a few nights later me called her cause someone was really in my garage.... It was so nice to have her down the street! Lisa, Savahna, and I would sit around and discuss our hopes and dreams. Lisa wanted to be married, she is the perfect southern texas suzie homemaker... we spent many many nights praying and discussing our future husbands and Today she marries hers!
I never thought all those nights and talks that I wouldn't be around for her wedding day. I just assumed I'd be right there with her wearing a tacky paisley dress, and singing some sappy twangy love song..... Not oceans away. Lisa has been one of my biggest fans though.... so I know deep down as much as I'd like to be there I'm where I should be. I'm there though.. those poor Guests get to listen to a recording of me half crying my way through "mama'song" on a garage band recording but hey at least I'm at her wedding. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful wedding and I know that they have great years to come! I'm crying like its her funeral or something but its tears of one chapter closing but a glorious glorious one opening!


I love you Lisa P

Next up in wedding land is Abby's...... then Savahna's..... I'm sure there will be many more tears of weddingful bliss coming this direction!

A good song....

Our Songwriting Teacher and Worship Leader Extraordinaire  Hanna Hobbs said in class the other day that a good song can make people feel like it was written for them...... now I understand that statement


Now just pause that thought for a second....


If you knew me back home you know I cry. a lot... about everything.... all the stinkin time....
If you know me now you know I can't cry... hardly ever.... only for short bursts and I have to force myself.

So today in band we got to start working on our worship sets, we did a fun song written by 2 of the coolest girls I know then we started work-shopping Davids and  Andreas song... I hadn't heard it yet because David is a terd and wanted to keep it a secret!
so I'm sitting there with Andrea and the band listening to the song when suddenly I felt  the tears come.... I had already been chosen to lead part of it so people were looking at me.... and I couldn't escape it. I tried to but there was no stopping them.
 I turned to Andrea who was like "this is awkward" "why are we singing my song?" "can't we do another?" and kinda blubbered that I felt it touched me so deeply, and how it was like they said everything I want to tell God but can't get out. The melody and feel of the song could be Country or Indie so of course I jump on the country train for my verses then blend with Daven for the more indie feel when its her turn. I've been feeling at a loss for words and everything lately... I don't know what to say to God while I'm praying anymore... I feel as if I'm just chillin in this haze of pain and decisions that I really can't make, yet somehow knows that Gods arms are wrapped so tightly around me. I know he hasn't left be but sometimes its hard when God is quiet. The times when he's just being a loving parent and is quiet, letting me make decisions on my own and learn and grow from the circumstances I'm currently in. The pre Chorus and verse 2 are the parts that touch me so much. We have been talking about God promises and that there is no expiration date on them. The story of Sarah and Abraham always amazes me.... It really puts my situation in perspective..... when I get to be complaining about being 24 single with babymaker issues I just think about them, it shuts me right up!
Anyways  I'll blog more about the song later and most likey post the performance in 6 weeks after we perform it, but until then you can read the lyrics.......

 VS 1
I stand here waiting
for you to show your face
I alk through the wilderness
in the shadow of your grace

Pre-Chorus
Father when you call me
I'll be right where I belong
I will rest in your unfailing love
when it feels like your gone

Chorus
I will trust in your ways, oh God
I will worship you my God
and for all of my days, I will sing your praise
to lift your name on high

VS 2
Give light to my eyes
and freedom to my soul
Guife me and show me
what your promised long ago

Pre-Chorus

Father when you call me
I'll be right where I belong
I will rest in your unfailing love
when it feels like your gone



Chorus
I will trust in your ways, oh God
I will worship you my God
and for all of my days, I will sing your praise
to lift your name on high

 Simple.
Beautiful.
The end