Getting out more....

Everyone keeps telling me to :get out more". I made another attempt last night and met some friends at Reds Porch. I love that place and feel super comfortable there. I had a blast, maybe my “fake it till I make it” interview mindset carried over through dinner and after dinner fun. It was nice to just sit around, talk and laugh. I don’t laugh much anymore.  

I felt so normal and had so much fun I decided to grow a pair and go by myself….. Big mistake.

I spend so much time worrying about other people; I rarely do what I want to do because no one wants to do it with me.  Everyone keeps telling me to get out and go do stuff then cant or won’t go with me. I am a grown a$$ woman and can go do what I want right?

I took a shower, fixed my hair and makeup and put on decent clean clothes- If you know much about my depression then you know that those are huge accomplishments for me right now. I put a fake smile on my face and marched my happy rear end half a mile down the road. I went in and said can I sit upstairs. I ordered a Dr pepper and queso and just sat. now I know some of you at this moment are thinking she is broke and has no business eating out, your right I don’t…  It was so pretty. The sky is overcast and its cool, for a moment I closed my eyes and remembered sitting on my balcony in Sydney feeling the same way. 

The table next to me had two little blond boys and their parents. Shortly after my food I hear the youngest one say. “Mommy is that lady sad or in time out” I could only laugh to myself and silently agree with him. I must have looked like a fool. I feel so sorry for people when I see them eating alone in restaurants . I guess for some it’s no different than me loving to go to a movie by myself.

I finished my snack and then felt the tears swelling so I decided to head home and give myself an A for Effort

I’m proud of myself for going. I’m slowly realizing what seems like baby steps to some are giant leaps for me.

Oh yeah-

Did I mention I walked 5 miles today? Half marathon here I come.

Simple Acts of Moving Forward- a Letter to my Inner Child

I’m reading this book called “Simple Acts of Moving Forward – a little Book about Getting Unstuck.”

Today’s chapter was about loving you inner child and nourishing that little girl or boy that lives inside you. So far these chapters have been nice to think about but nothing I felt like trying- maybe its because I’m in a dark rain cloud of crap. Anywhooo.. It encourages you to find old pictures of said inner child then write them a letter full of Encouragement so I decided to give it a shot!

Here goes….

5 years old, Just had a booster shot- David Fraziers

Dear Precious Princess Sarah, 

     You are so very loved, not only by your family but the people who helped raise you.  Your Daddy Loves you and when your mom dials his number and throws the phone its because she loves you too. Nothing you do can make your Dad or Mom love you more or less so just be you. Never Ever listen to the voice in your head  that says you are not smart, pretty, or skinny enough. Your mom worked very very hard to make sure you get to see things beyond your small town so enjoy them. Remember you have a Voice- a big and powerful one that God gave you to use, not hide. Boys are stupid and you deserve the best. You WILL fall in love one day. ( maybe even get married, not there yet) You will get to go places others will never go and do many things your friends don’t. You get to be free and make your own decisions. Don’t listen to the little man who tells you your too fat to be on Broadway, if you do though go to the Ag building where you “belong”. You might even win state in something.  In High school you will get to go on tons and tons of trips. You will get to be in Central Park with your best friends and that’s a moment to never ever forget. You will also get to pet a Kangaroo, not many people from Snyder get to do those things.
      You do not have to try and make everyone else happy. You just be you. Oh you’re goofy silly and crazy but that is you and that’s why people love you. Never forget that.  NEVER cut your hair above your shoulders. Try and finsh a college degree one day- apparently you will need one of these to be happy. The days will be bright and sunny but the nights will be dark and scary. Be strong in the Lord and never give up. You are such a cool kid! When you get homesick its okay, its not your fault. Your sick. You will find out later in life that Anxiety and Depression started way back when so don’t feel like a freak. Your just wired differently. Not many kiddos can be so far away from their mommys and daddys and handle things the way you can. You get to have a brother and sister who are the coolest things ever, so never be mad about divorce. God makes great things out of terrible situations. You just keep your head up and keep singing and dancing in front of mirrors, and when the little black rain cloud comes to follow you around remember how fun it is to sing and dance in the rain. Garth Brooks and Jamie Pies will be there to help you sleep even 20 years from now.

Love,

You

I hate Medicine!

I'm one of those depressed, anxiety ridden people who hates the thought of NEEDING medicine. But Goodness do I need it. If you’re my family or one of my close friends take this moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
My refill went out a few weeks ago and I felt so great It didn't cross my mind. Then with all the craziness in my life at the moment I just didn't have time to wait on hold for 30 mins between 8-5. So after talking to several pharmacists am told I must make an appointment. I called last week and after 35 mins on hold just went bizark and hung up. Then forgot.
 Until the other day, when  after I felt like I had been shocked and started running a fever I started goolging my eye twitching, insomnia, nauseas, emotional, crazy, twitching, migraine symptoms I realized I'm in full blown withdrawals. I left the apartment twice this weekend and could hardly funtion.
Then I'm upset with myself for being a stupid idiot and (not intentionally this time) making myself feel awful. I can hardly function and am out of control. so I call the dr and prepare myself to make an appointment and fix this crap.... like tomorrow
Well. The idiot in Behavioral health can't speak English to understand my name or date of birth ( maybe its my accent?) so she transfers me to a lesser idiot. by then I'm crying and she proceeds to tell me to calm down. HELLLO You work in behavioral Health aka crazy department. NEVER EVER tell someone to calm down. Depression and Anxiety Rule #1.  I then remove myself from the office because going bat crap crazy is just so professional. They inform me that I can't get it to see the dr again until March 13. Because I ad just googled my symptoms, I knew that I would be locked up in a mental ward if I cold turkey quit my meds until March 13th. which just made it worse.
yes I know this is my fault and I did it to myself but still. After mentioning that I think I'm in withdrawals she says well I can send him a note that says you have an appointment march 13 and could he refill your prescription in the meantime.


Well thanks ma'am
Fast forward a week……

It's 3:00 am and I'm laying on the floor in the bathroom drenched in sweat facebooking my mom who has one to many sick folk in her life. I just took a ice cold shower and am now hugging the toilet with a ghetto icepack on my neck. Thankfully I saw my little temperature thing said 65 or I would have just cranked the air out of habit.

I'm writing this because its so so hard to be honest about antidepressants and medicine and such. No one could paint a real picture for me about the good and bad effects of medicine.  I'm on day 10 of withdrawals and day 1 of new. The pharmacist said it would take another 2 weeks of craziness for me to level out, and the dr Implied with my ovary problems and hormones sometimes its hard to tell. Personally if I came across someone with my crazy symptoms I'd lock me up and drug me until this is over but apparently there are lots of folks in the real world dealing with the same issues I am.  3-5% actually which means there are boocoos of crazys out there. Depression and anxiety is such a hush hush topic which I totally get but I hate the lying. I didn't feel like going to bible study or church Sunday cause I didn't want to look people in the face and say I'm good or I'm fine or dodge be subject. It's awkward if someone says how are you and your like uh I've been better... Crazy... Sick ... Gone postal. I mean no one wants to hear that. That's what those people are there for though. ( Insert thats what friends are for music)  plus contrary to popular belief most suffering with anxiety and depression really dont want the attention. Granted I'm blogging about it but ya know. So now at 3:29 I regret not going. Oh well. Can't change it. Move on. guilt is bad. (I'm quoting therapy mantras in my head)  

Anyways to those of you who are wondering how I am or why I'm "distant" this is why.

I'm sick 

And

Medicine is a bummer. ( or any other inappropriate word you would like to insert. 

Typical New Years Post!

As I lay in bed last night, like I always do the night before I see my Dad, I started thinking about the New Year.   I’m not big on resolutions because quite frankly I haven’t “Finished” much in my life. Why make a verbal vow that I doubt I can keep? its kinda pointless to me and I just set myself up for some let downs! I did however keep a vow I made to myself and that is something to celebrate.  I completed THREE 5k’s this year!!!!!!!!!!  Despite being in a pit of depression and emotional bull crap. I finished them.  People ask why I enjoy them so much and I fianlly realized that each time I'm proving to myself and body that I can do something that my mind tells me I can't. My mind is my worst enemy.....I’m also steadily on medicine, something I never wished or wanted to do but am now mature enough to do so. I made some difficult changes and even jumped head first into living on my own. God has taught me so much about myself this year. Why wouldn’t I celebrate that and look forward to what’s coming next!

If I were a resolution making person they would be something like.

Read the Bible front to back

Bake a cake – rolled over from last year

Half Marathon!!!

Rock the grey hair no matter how bad it gets!

Get some financial peace

Fall in love again…….

I've Moved!

 

 

I've been trying to write this for a week now!

 

 

I've MOVED!!

I now live in my own 1 bedroom apartment half a mile from my work!
I can walk in 11 mins and thats with a drink stop!
It was a total God thing the way it all went down, God said "here, have a Blessing Bomb"
With that being said still cound use prayers for a part time job or something to change in the mulah world:)

Lots of changes going on with me, new friends, new me, new medicine, losing friends, missing people, new goals, lots of junk!


I have 5 months before my first half marathon! I've been training some in the gym and hoping my 3 flights of stairs a day will add some ump... Because this is my blog and I can be honest I'll tell you I've eaten crap, mostly because its cheaper ( until I get better at planning) and partly because somedays I don't have the will power to not emotional eat- like this morning.  But I'm further than I was 8 months ago and that is key!

Worship is starting to itch at me again, the need to just be completely free in front of the Lord. To sing His praises at the top of my lungs and not care how it sounds, who hears, and if my flab is hanging out. I admitted to some folks that while I'm up there on Sunday that I don't know why but I just can't give all of myself. I did in worship off state on Sunday but all that came out was pure emotion and tons of tears. Maybe thats why I can't on state. Anywhooo.... I'm learning, trying, praying, and growing in this area.

Like I said- lots of changes!
Hopefully blogging more and keeping you updated on my workouts will be one of them!!!

I DID IT!!! 50:04

I can't do it I said to Savahna as we are nearing the crowd of people cheering loudly. My body hurt, I couldn't breath or see. Don’t fall, your doing this for a wonderful cause,  don’t fall, stop crying, don’t fall was all that was crossing my mind when I stepped over the finish line.

This is the best worst picture I've ever taken!

 

Thank you JESUS I DID IT!!!

 

50:04

 

I did it!!!

 

I knew going in that I'm not in a movie, I'm not a Disney princess so my mommy and Greg and all of my friends weren’t suddenly going to appear at the finish line. But because they weren’t there it meant so much more.

 

I did it. ( all GOD)

 

If you have spent any amount of time with me then you know I have some self image issues. So it's no surprise that the morning of the race up until the last minute I didn't think  I was going to make it. I know some of you are rolling you eyes and saying things like oh you were fine but seriously y'all I still can't believe that happened! I asked my mom if I was dreaming and was going to wake up and have to do it all over again! These past 6 months have not been the best and it just amazes me what the lord can do!

 

God made me realize the strength I have in Him this weekend. He knew exactly who I needed there and why, ( love you Savahna)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 This weekend brought new meaning to Philippians 4:13 for me!

 

 

Night before my first 5k!

Gosh I've been neglecting my blog. Partially because when I gave my blog a makeover and started on this journey I thought I'd be "smaller, lighter, faster" than I am now, Like the isarah5. Sadly I weigh more than I did then and am not near where I thought I was going to be 6 months ago. But thats okay.  My 5k is in 8 hours and of course I can't sleep and junk, because nerves just plain stink!


When I went into Lukes Locker to pick up my registration packet I was so overwhelmed with emotion. If you know me then you know I'm always emotional so this shouldn't come as much of a surprise .Especially after spending the day on a date with God ( yeah ask me later ) I want nothing more than to complete that 5k tomorrow and keep on going. Is this your first 5k they said? I was like goodness is it that obvious!! It was such an honor to tell those complete strangers why I am choosing this as my first 5k. And I left that store not embarrassed because I'm going to be the only girl in a men's shirt because they didn't have my size but because I've stuck to my word. I'm going to finish that race tomorrow and God is going to use this in a big way. My friend Jenna compared this adventure as a pilgrimage! Can't wait to see what happens :) I'm also super thankful my friend Savahna chose to come do this with me- more on that tomorrow!

7 months ago best friend and someone I truly care about made the decision to enter a year and a half  rehab program. Before he left he encouraged me to make some changes too. So what better way to attmpt a new and healthy life than to honor him with this first run. I miss him tons and wish more than anything that he was here today/tomorrow. We rarely get to talk besides me sending letters but thankfully the Lord knows what I need and I got to talk to him for about 10 mins on friday! Such an encouragement to make a difference while I'm out here in the real world.

September is National recovery month and even though its almost over I encourage you to check it out. My little bag I got says, Prevention works, Treatment is effective, and people recover. Those 3 statements were quite powerful to me.  Because Alcoholism doesn't run in my family and I grew up ( thankfully) sheltered I've had to do lost of research about alcoholism in the past year or so. Recovery is something that we should all be aware of, not just from Drugs and Alcohol but also our sin and junk that crowds our hearts. I've been reading and listening to lots of Podcasts about the heart lately thanks to my new bible-study **shoutout Team Black Hearts** Anyways we are all in some form of recovery.

 So I'm not just running tomorrow for his recovery.

 I'm running for my own.