No Biggest Loser, Makeover, and other ramblings

Its that time again. The time of year where my news feed, twitter, and email fill up about biggest loser castings and such. Unfortunatlly I will not be auditioning this year. I just feel like its what God wants me to focus on right now. With that being said I’m not going to make any promises I can’t keep. I’ve been working so much there isn’t as much time to run as I used to. Ive been walking and doing stretching in the mornings. I also have a few 5k’s 8, and even a 10k on my radar.

Yesterday was rough for me emotionally and mentally. I got my hair done at the salon and was so so nervous. I trusted Jason ( colorist) and Chelsey (stylist) to not make me look like a fool but it was just hard. I know my beauty comes from within but after donating my hair a few months ago I just haven’t felt it.

I may be fat but I had great hair and great eyes. That’s what I’ve told myself since about 16 so to mess with my hair was a big no no for me.

After my makeover, I had a new bounce in my step, and compliment after compliment. I couldn’t sleep last night ( what else is new), and was just laying in bed thinking when my best friend self hate started to whisper in my ear.  Do y’all ever have those nights? I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord so this morning I just tried to push all those thoughts out and own my new do ;)

I’m burning out. I’m not made to work 60 hrs a week, my mom keeps reminding me it hasn’t even been a full month yet. This morning they mentioned some changes to hours at the salon and I immediately wanted to cry. Noooo I need the money, more work more work more work. Funny how I had already forgotten that I sat in the car and prayed this morning that God would give me a break if I needed it. I may be getting one. I really just want a full day off, maybe two haha

I’m struggling with the Overcome the Lie Challenge. I’m so tired by the time I get home I can’t think enough to sit down and write which is the whole reason I did this in the first place. So I could document my 40 days. One of the hardest lies that we are working to overcome have to do with my voice and weight. So we shall (hopefully) see what comes of those soon.

I’m homesick for Snyder and Sydney heaps these days…………….. But seeing my Grandparents and my little brother Graduate is more important at this moment. What’s the point of 60 hour weeks if you don’t spend time with people you love. Praying that it all works out ;)

Clearing out brain space.

My head is clogged.

Our House is for sale. Someone buy it. Raise your family there. Love the sounds of a Friday Night Football game or early morning band practices. I listened to Miranda Lambert's "House That Built Me"  on repeat this morning and got all of my tears out. I really thought I was going to raise my own children in that house someday, or always have Christmas's there with my old and grey mother.... God must have different plans for us.

We were supposed to get our paychecks yesterday but due to a shipping error there wouldn't arive until today. When I got to work they informed me they were at another location but wouldn't be here until Monday. I said how about I go get them myself... So I jumped in the car and went picked them up. Maybe the folks I work with tonight will be super appreciative and tip me out decent :)

I get my hair did on Monday.- Nervous!
I love working at the Salon and Spa. I get to pretend to be someone I'm not, then one day hope I've faked it till I've made it.

There is a bug who must live in a pair of shoes. Everytime I've warn them this week I've gotten bites... Or it lives under the desk at work. Both of which are gross and creepy.

Its sad when the most excited thing your going to buy with this paycheck is good toilet paper, q-tips and laundry soap. Or slim fast. Its a toss up between which I'm more excited about. Dollar Tree has been my friend on this exploration of life on my own but sometimes you just have to splurge on the decent stuff.

I'm  on day 5 of the 40 Day Overcome the Lie Challenge and I feel God doing something awesome in my life. Praying He will reveal where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do!* on another note I'm open to suggestions* I've been praying that God will make some things "Slap in the face clear!"



My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

speaking of spa....I listen to spa music 7 hours a day.... there is this one creepy carny song that I can never catch to thumbs down on pandora. well folks I caught it today! BAM

Both of my Grandparents (Dads)  in Georgia & NC are dealing with Lung Cancer issues and junk. I haven't publicly asked for prayer yet because I haven't properly dealt with it... But how selfish of me is that, so would you please join  me in prayer for the strength to fight and miraculous healing. Pray for my Dad and aunt Cathy who are dealing with both parents being ill.
On that note im not putting up with smoking around me.......... if I see you I'll put it out myself.
Think about your future kids and grandkids.


My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

Insert Awesome title here....

Sometimes I wish I had someone to be real with (besides my mom): To be completely and utterly honest with and not have to sugarcoat things. To say I got so upset today instead of putting more gas in my car I ate 20 nuggets and a double cheeseburger and broke my 2 day no Cokes stretch, I also bit off all the nails I’ve been working so hard to grow. I kinda wanted to have a total Brittany Spears meltdown and shave my head and beat cars with an umbrella.   

In fact I wish everyone were like this. Transparent, open, and broken. 

I have wonderful friends in which I can call at any hour of the night but there is something about today that was different.

I wanted to punch the lady interviewing me for saying I needed to fix my face, wear makeup and have something done with my hair before working there today. Not gonna lie. It hurt. A bunch.
I fixed my hair, had on my best outfit, mascara, my sparkly powder (abby tells me this went out of style a few years ago)  earrings ( like my mother taught me) and NAILED my interview. They wanted to hire me and I wanted to work there until that comment.  Part of me says okay, go ahead and give me a makeover so I will be your rockstar “salon coordinator.” The other part of me is still that “linebacker ballerina” funny fat girl who will just cry about it and use my skills elsewhere.

I’m tired of acting like I have it together. I’m even more tired of making Goals and Promises to myself or others that I’m not ever going to live up to.

Maybe I’ll make the Goal of more Jesus and let everything else fall into place.

Stopping cokes and loosing more weight isn’t going to get me out of debt or land me a second job.  Losing 100 lbs isn’t going to make prince charming come any faster.  Working and never making time to enjoy life won’t help much either. I need to stop making plans and junk and just seek more Jesus. More worship. More life!!! More JOY!!!!!!

Psalm 4:7
You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound

Psalm 16:9
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 63:7
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Colossians 1:11
being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

Getting out more....

Everyone keeps telling me to :get out more". I made another attempt last night and met some friends at Reds Porch. I love that place and feel super comfortable there. I had a blast, maybe my “fake it till I make it” interview mindset carried over through dinner and after dinner fun. It was nice to just sit around, talk and laugh. I don’t laugh much anymore.  

I felt so normal and had so much fun I decided to grow a pair and go by myself….. Big mistake.

I spend so much time worrying about other people; I rarely do what I want to do because no one wants to do it with me.  Everyone keeps telling me to get out and go do stuff then cant or won’t go with me. I am a grown a$$ woman and can go do what I want right?

I took a shower, fixed my hair and makeup and put on decent clean clothes- If you know much about my depression then you know that those are huge accomplishments for me right now. I put a fake smile on my face and marched my happy rear end half a mile down the road. I went in and said can I sit upstairs. I ordered a Dr pepper and queso and just sat. now I know some of you at this moment are thinking she is broke and has no business eating out, your right I don’t…  It was so pretty. The sky is overcast and its cool, for a moment I closed my eyes and remembered sitting on my balcony in Sydney feeling the same way. 

The table next to me had two little blond boys and their parents. Shortly after my food I hear the youngest one say. “Mommy is that lady sad or in time out” I could only laugh to myself and silently agree with him. I must have looked like a fool. I feel so sorry for people when I see them eating alone in restaurants . I guess for some it’s no different than me loving to go to a movie by myself.

I finished my snack and then felt the tears swelling so I decided to head home and give myself an A for Effort

I’m proud of myself for going. I’m slowly realizing what seems like baby steps to some are giant leaps for me.

Oh yeah-

Did I mention I walked 5 miles today? Half marathon here I come.

Simple Acts of Moving Forward- a Letter to my Inner Child

I’m reading this book called “Simple Acts of Moving Forward – a little Book about Getting Unstuck.”

Today’s chapter was about loving you inner child and nourishing that little girl or boy that lives inside you. So far these chapters have been nice to think about but nothing I felt like trying- maybe its because I’m in a dark rain cloud of crap. Anywhooo.. It encourages you to find old pictures of said inner child then write them a letter full of Encouragement so I decided to give it a shot!

Here goes….

5 years old, Just had a booster shot- David Fraziers

Dear Precious Princess Sarah, 

     You are so very loved, not only by your family but the people who helped raise you.  Your Daddy Loves you and when your mom dials his number and throws the phone its because she loves you too. Nothing you do can make your Dad or Mom love you more or less so just be you. Never Ever listen to the voice in your head  that says you are not smart, pretty, or skinny enough. Your mom worked very very hard to make sure you get to see things beyond your small town so enjoy them. Remember you have a Voice- a big and powerful one that God gave you to use, not hide. Boys are stupid and you deserve the best. You WILL fall in love one day. ( maybe even get married, not there yet) You will get to go places others will never go and do many things your friends don’t. You get to be free and make your own decisions. Don’t listen to the little man who tells you your too fat to be on Broadway, if you do though go to the Ag building where you “belong”. You might even win state in something.  In High school you will get to go on tons and tons of trips. You will get to be in Central Park with your best friends and that’s a moment to never ever forget. You will also get to pet a Kangaroo, not many people from Snyder get to do those things.
      You do not have to try and make everyone else happy. You just be you. Oh you’re goofy silly and crazy but that is you and that’s why people love you. Never forget that.  NEVER cut your hair above your shoulders. Try and finsh a college degree one day- apparently you will need one of these to be happy. The days will be bright and sunny but the nights will be dark and scary. Be strong in the Lord and never give up. You are such a cool kid! When you get homesick its okay, its not your fault. Your sick. You will find out later in life that Anxiety and Depression started way back when so don’t feel like a freak. Your just wired differently. Not many kiddos can be so far away from their mommys and daddys and handle things the way you can. You get to have a brother and sister who are the coolest things ever, so never be mad about divorce. God makes great things out of terrible situations. You just keep your head up and keep singing and dancing in front of mirrors, and when the little black rain cloud comes to follow you around remember how fun it is to sing and dance in the rain. Garth Brooks and Jamie Pies will be there to help you sleep even 20 years from now.

Love,

You

I hate Medicine!

I'm one of those depressed, anxiety ridden people who hates the thought of NEEDING medicine. But Goodness do I need it. If you’re my family or one of my close friends take this moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
My refill went out a few weeks ago and I felt so great It didn't cross my mind. Then with all the craziness in my life at the moment I just didn't have time to wait on hold for 30 mins between 8-5. So after talking to several pharmacists am told I must make an appointment. I called last week and after 35 mins on hold just went bizark and hung up. Then forgot.
 Until the other day, when  after I felt like I had been shocked and started running a fever I started goolging my eye twitching, insomnia, nauseas, emotional, crazy, twitching, migraine symptoms I realized I'm in full blown withdrawals. I left the apartment twice this weekend and could hardly funtion.
Then I'm upset with myself for being a stupid idiot and (not intentionally this time) making myself feel awful. I can hardly function and am out of control. so I call the dr and prepare myself to make an appointment and fix this crap.... like tomorrow
Well. The idiot in Behavioral health can't speak English to understand my name or date of birth ( maybe its my accent?) so she transfers me to a lesser idiot. by then I'm crying and she proceeds to tell me to calm down. HELLLO You work in behavioral Health aka crazy department. NEVER EVER tell someone to calm down. Depression and Anxiety Rule #1.  I then remove myself from the office because going bat crap crazy is just so professional. They inform me that I can't get it to see the dr again until March 13. Because I ad just googled my symptoms, I knew that I would be locked up in a mental ward if I cold turkey quit my meds until March 13th. which just made it worse.
yes I know this is my fault and I did it to myself but still. After mentioning that I think I'm in withdrawals she says well I can send him a note that says you have an appointment march 13 and could he refill your prescription in the meantime.


Well thanks ma'am
Fast forward a week……

It's 3:00 am and I'm laying on the floor in the bathroom drenched in sweat facebooking my mom who has one to many sick folk in her life. I just took a ice cold shower and am now hugging the toilet with a ghetto icepack on my neck. Thankfully I saw my little temperature thing said 65 or I would have just cranked the air out of habit.

I'm writing this because its so so hard to be honest about antidepressants and medicine and such. No one could paint a real picture for me about the good and bad effects of medicine.  I'm on day 10 of withdrawals and day 1 of new. The pharmacist said it would take another 2 weeks of craziness for me to level out, and the dr Implied with my ovary problems and hormones sometimes its hard to tell. Personally if I came across someone with my crazy symptoms I'd lock me up and drug me until this is over but apparently there are lots of folks in the real world dealing with the same issues I am.  3-5% actually which means there are boocoos of crazys out there. Depression and anxiety is such a hush hush topic which I totally get but I hate the lying. I didn't feel like going to bible study or church Sunday cause I didn't want to look people in the face and say I'm good or I'm fine or dodge be subject. It's awkward if someone says how are you and your like uh I've been better... Crazy... Sick ... Gone postal. I mean no one wants to hear that. That's what those people are there for though. ( Insert thats what friends are for music)  plus contrary to popular belief most suffering with anxiety and depression really dont want the attention. Granted I'm blogging about it but ya know. So now at 3:29 I regret not going. Oh well. Can't change it. Move on. guilt is bad. (I'm quoting therapy mantras in my head)  

Anyways to those of you who are wondering how I am or why I'm "distant" this is why.

I'm sick 

And

Medicine is a bummer. ( or any other inappropriate word you would like to insert.