Georgia on my mind....

Georgia is on my mind….

Why?!?

Cause I’m moving there on Saturday!!!!

Now is the time to place your “ how long will she make it bet” y’all. Just kidding (or am I)

I honestly have no clue why God is doing any of this but after a month of no job, no car, and no money it’s a wonderful option that lets me spend time with family and see if I can get back on my feet somewhere else. I’ve never really liked Austin and besides church and family I don’t have much of a reason to stay. So I’m going to try somewhere else.

I’ve had two songs on repeat during this “season”  Hillsongs “Oceans” and Jeff Johnson’s “Ruin Me”.
 ( look them up- soooooor good)

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for,
You alone I live for.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 

Sounds to me like I should be careful what I pray for ;)

I’m so excited to go on this new adventure. I’ve spent the past few days crying and moping but I realized how silly that is. I should be excited to go on a new adventure not mourning my stupid apartment and friends…… I have no clue where it will lead me, I may find my forever home, stay a month- forever, this may lead me back to Australia (fingers crossed), seattle, or somewhere I’ve never dreamed of living. I can only hope that I will realize what I want to do with my life and become the person that God wants me to be.  

"I'm worn even before the day begins"

As some of you know I am a struggling. I've been told (by different people) that my facebook and blog post were "too depressing", and that no one wants to read that "crap" anyways so I haven't been blogging publicly my feelings and struggles lately. I said something to someone the other day that was out of the ordinary for me but it has some truth: " I can only be me" so this is me being me....... struggling......hungry.... and worn.


I've never been a writer, most likely never will be. If I were to put into words exactly how I feel right now it would be this song  Worn- Tenth Avenue North ( maybe their whole new album)
I was going to ask a friend to help me record it, maybe because I was thinking it might make more of a difference coming from my mouth, plus Christmas is coming and my mom would flip :) but that takes effort and I'm not the most confident in my voice at the moment so this will do...



I have no job, no car, no money, lost one of my best friends for the next few years ,and as always my emotions and health are out of control. I've had tons of interviews and by tons I mean about 7 now and I'm just like crap someone let me work. I'm not even being picky. We've been talking about Spiritual Warfare in bible study and also in relation to the new church plant ( COMING SOON!!! YAYers). While I know this is just a season (a frequent one like the dust storms in Snyder), its not making it any easier when I'm walking from bus to bus trying to get to interview with enough time and washrags in my purse to stop sweating and not look like a wet rat when I get there. Don't get me wrong- I know I'm so blessed and have it 10x better than most at my lowest.
I keep thinking back to James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers when you face trials of many kinds... because you know that the testing of your Faith produces perseverance, Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Contrary to popular belief I have memorized some scripture though it will most likely always be in the same category as me learning  piano and monkey bars- next to impossible
 Its comforting to think that maybe one day I will be mature- as in have my crap together.


In other news I've lost 7 lbs in the past week or so. I'd like to say it all because of my awesome workouts but I'm thinking its the dollar store diet and the fact that Austin buses are so spread out its nuts.






I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn



** Contrary to popular belief I have memorized scripture though it will most likely always be in the same category as me learning  piano and monkey bars- next to impossible

date, new music and more...

I wanted to sit down and write a deeply inspiration blog…. unfortunately that’s just not where my head is at right now. I just had my greek dinner delivered to work so I figured I'd eat and clear my head

I went on a “date” the other night. It was my first in a while. Note to self.  Just because He’s a Christian and you were set up through church stuff doesn’t mean he’s not a sleaze ball. Just sayin :)

I highly recommend the new Lady Antebellum album Golden. If I still lived in Australia with all those talented folks I’m sure I’d want to cover half of them. Lucky for them I’ll just jam (cry) in my car. I cried through half of there sad songs this morning and was like man. I wish I could write like that, or write period. Big fan of “it Aint Pretty and something about the rain”

It feels like I’m running off receptionists, this week both jobs have had front desk people quit leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. I wish there were more hours in a day.  If I could work all day at both places I would. Then maybe I could afford to live ( the way I want to) in this town.

I’m loving working at the Salon and watching people come in looking one way and leaving the next. Its making me want to look nicer and become more confident. I’ve been trying to make it to the gym or to run ( 

I walk they make laps around me) with some ladies from my bible study when I can but lately sleep is more important. I was told this afternoon that I needed to relax and calm down before I completely burn out. Which they are right but you do what you gotta do.

I’m still praying this next paycheck will be big enough for me to go to Georgia. I already have the days off but I need to make sure I can live once I get back. Its going to break my heart not to see my little brother graduate or see my Grandpa. Divorce sucks. One day I’ll be stable enough to afford to see everyone I love regularly.

I’ve been thinking about the LapBand surgery a lot lately. I feel like its cheating though… Figured I'd throw it out on my blog for some feedback?

No Biggest Loser, Makeover, and other ramblings

Its that time again. The time of year where my news feed, twitter, and email fill up about biggest loser castings and such. Unfortunatlly I will not be auditioning this year. I just feel like its what God wants me to focus on right now. With that being said I’m not going to make any promises I can’t keep. I’ve been working so much there isn’t as much time to run as I used to. Ive been walking and doing stretching in the mornings. I also have a few 5k’s 8, and even a 10k on my radar.

Yesterday was rough for me emotionally and mentally. I got my hair done at the salon and was so so nervous. I trusted Jason ( colorist) and Chelsey (stylist) to not make me look like a fool but it was just hard. I know my beauty comes from within but after donating my hair a few months ago I just haven’t felt it.

I may be fat but I had great hair and great eyes. That’s what I’ve told myself since about 16 so to mess with my hair was a big no no for me.

After my makeover, I had a new bounce in my step, and compliment after compliment. I couldn’t sleep last night ( what else is new), and was just laying in bed thinking when my best friend self hate started to whisper in my ear.  Do y’all ever have those nights? I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord so this morning I just tried to push all those thoughts out and own my new do ;)

I’m burning out. I’m not made to work 60 hrs a week, my mom keeps reminding me it hasn’t even been a full month yet. This morning they mentioned some changes to hours at the salon and I immediately wanted to cry. Noooo I need the money, more work more work more work. Funny how I had already forgotten that I sat in the car and prayed this morning that God would give me a break if I needed it. I may be getting one. I really just want a full day off, maybe two haha

I’m struggling with the Overcome the Lie Challenge. I’m so tired by the time I get home I can’t think enough to sit down and write which is the whole reason I did this in the first place. So I could document my 40 days. One of the hardest lies that we are working to overcome have to do with my voice and weight. So we shall (hopefully) see what comes of those soon.

I’m homesick for Snyder and Sydney heaps these days…………….. But seeing my Grandparents and my little brother Graduate is more important at this moment. What’s the point of 60 hour weeks if you don’t spend time with people you love. Praying that it all works out ;)

Clearing out brain space.

My head is clogged.

Our House is for sale. Someone buy it. Raise your family there. Love the sounds of a Friday Night Football game or early morning band practices. I listened to Miranda Lambert's "House That Built Me"  on repeat this morning and got all of my tears out. I really thought I was going to raise my own children in that house someday, or always have Christmas's there with my old and grey mother.... God must have different plans for us.

We were supposed to get our paychecks yesterday but due to a shipping error there wouldn't arive until today. When I got to work they informed me they were at another location but wouldn't be here until Monday. I said how about I go get them myself... So I jumped in the car and went picked them up. Maybe the folks I work with tonight will be super appreciative and tip me out decent :)

I get my hair did on Monday.- Nervous!
I love working at the Salon and Spa. I get to pretend to be someone I'm not, then one day hope I've faked it till I've made it.

There is a bug who must live in a pair of shoes. Everytime I've warn them this week I've gotten bites... Or it lives under the desk at work. Both of which are gross and creepy.

Its sad when the most excited thing your going to buy with this paycheck is good toilet paper, q-tips and laundry soap. Or slim fast. Its a toss up between which I'm more excited about. Dollar Tree has been my friend on this exploration of life on my own but sometimes you just have to splurge on the decent stuff.

I'm  on day 5 of the 40 Day Overcome the Lie Challenge and I feel God doing something awesome in my life. Praying He will reveal where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do!* on another note I'm open to suggestions* I've been praying that God will make some things "Slap in the face clear!"



My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

speaking of spa....I listen to spa music 7 hours a day.... there is this one creepy carny song that I can never catch to thumbs down on pandora. well folks I caught it today! BAM

Both of my Grandparents (Dads)  in Georgia & NC are dealing with Lung Cancer issues and junk. I haven't publicly asked for prayer yet because I haven't properly dealt with it... But how selfish of me is that, so would you please join  me in prayer for the strength to fight and miraculous healing. Pray for my Dad and aunt Cathy who are dealing with both parents being ill.
On that note im not putting up with smoking around me.......... if I see you I'll put it out myself.
Think about your future kids and grandkids.


My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

Insert Awesome title here....

Sometimes I wish I had someone to be real with (besides my mom): To be completely and utterly honest with and not have to sugarcoat things. To say I got so upset today instead of putting more gas in my car I ate 20 nuggets and a double cheeseburger and broke my 2 day no Cokes stretch, I also bit off all the nails I’ve been working so hard to grow. I kinda wanted to have a total Brittany Spears meltdown and shave my head and beat cars with an umbrella.   

In fact I wish everyone were like this. Transparent, open, and broken. 

I have wonderful friends in which I can call at any hour of the night but there is something about today that was different.

I wanted to punch the lady interviewing me for saying I needed to fix my face, wear makeup and have something done with my hair before working there today. Not gonna lie. It hurt. A bunch.
I fixed my hair, had on my best outfit, mascara, my sparkly powder (abby tells me this went out of style a few years ago)  earrings ( like my mother taught me) and NAILED my interview. They wanted to hire me and I wanted to work there until that comment.  Part of me says okay, go ahead and give me a makeover so I will be your rockstar “salon coordinator.” The other part of me is still that “linebacker ballerina” funny fat girl who will just cry about it and use my skills elsewhere.

I’m tired of acting like I have it together. I’m even more tired of making Goals and Promises to myself or others that I’m not ever going to live up to.

Maybe I’ll make the Goal of more Jesus and let everything else fall into place.

Stopping cokes and loosing more weight isn’t going to get me out of debt or land me a second job.  Losing 100 lbs isn’t going to make prince charming come any faster.  Working and never making time to enjoy life won’t help much either. I need to stop making plans and junk and just seek more Jesus. More worship. More life!!! More JOY!!!!!!

Psalm 4:7
You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound

Psalm 16:9
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure

Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 63:7
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Colossians 1:11
being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

Getting out more....

Everyone keeps telling me to :get out more". I made another attempt last night and met some friends at Reds Porch. I love that place and feel super comfortable there. I had a blast, maybe my “fake it till I make it” interview mindset carried over through dinner and after dinner fun. It was nice to just sit around, talk and laugh. I don’t laugh much anymore.  

I felt so normal and had so much fun I decided to grow a pair and go by myself….. Big mistake.

I spend so much time worrying about other people; I rarely do what I want to do because no one wants to do it with me.  Everyone keeps telling me to get out and go do stuff then cant or won’t go with me. I am a grown a$$ woman and can go do what I want right?

I took a shower, fixed my hair and makeup and put on decent clean clothes- If you know much about my depression then you know that those are huge accomplishments for me right now. I put a fake smile on my face and marched my happy rear end half a mile down the road. I went in and said can I sit upstairs. I ordered a Dr pepper and queso and just sat. now I know some of you at this moment are thinking she is broke and has no business eating out, your right I don’t…  It was so pretty. The sky is overcast and its cool, for a moment I closed my eyes and remembered sitting on my balcony in Sydney feeling the same way. 

The table next to me had two little blond boys and their parents. Shortly after my food I hear the youngest one say. “Mommy is that lady sad or in time out” I could only laugh to myself and silently agree with him. I must have looked like a fool. I feel so sorry for people when I see them eating alone in restaurants . I guess for some it’s no different than me loving to go to a movie by myself.

I finished my snack and then felt the tears swelling so I decided to head home and give myself an A for Effort

I’m proud of myself for going. I’m slowly realizing what seems like baby steps to some are giant leaps for me.

Oh yeah-

Did I mention I walked 5 miles today? Half marathon here I come.