"Slimming Down Sarah"

Someone told me the other day that I would never have my life under control unless I got control of my food issues.  They meant it out of love and I’ve thought a lot about it. 

When I look at the title of my blog “Slimming Down Sarah” I keep thinking there are so many other things I need to slim down before I tackle my weigh issues. My mental health is failing as much ( if not more) as my physical at the moment, as in there is no room to obsess about eating a cookie when I’m just trying to make it to the next day.  I’ve got to slim down some of the baggage I’ve been carrying around for years. I have to slim down some anger and resentment towards people in my life. I have to slim down the people in my life that do me nothing but harm. I’ve got to get some things in order before I can actually be ready to diet make a lifestyle change.

Before I left for Georgia I had a coupon for California Pizza Kitchen that you could win $100,000. When someone asked what I would do with the money the first thing I said was weight loss surgery. Get skinny then move to Australia.  How horrible is that? I didn’t think car, purchase a house or get out of debt first. 
All I could think of was skinny.

 Because if I was skinny then someone would want to marry me, and how could anyone love this fat, crazy, ball of emotion.

Its thoughts like those that I have to “Slim Down” if I’m ever going to go down the healthy path the Lord has laid out for me . Having a few cokes, or cookies, or Alfredo isn’t how I got 100+ lbs overweight…. It’s spending the past 10 years hating myself for reasons I can’t explain ( and tiny tiny bit of genetics)

                                 

In other news…

Some of you know I’m back in Austin. While I’m super proud of myself for trying something new I know that Georgia isn’t the place for me right now.

Georgia- Rain

So it's been a rainy week here in Georgia. As in it pretty much hasn't stopped.  I'm at a rodeo in Alabama sitting in the truck watching it rain and rain some more. I feel bad for laughing at the cowboys getting their trucks stuck in the mud- dad got stuck the other night and of course I got the giggles which didn't help the situation. But it was hilerious, I would love to be surrounded by cowboys covered in mud- sadly it's my dad and bro not mr mccowboy. Seriously I saw my dream man but didn't have enough guts to ask dad or will who he was and if he was married so I figured I'd admire from afar!

I'm also learning that as much as I wanted to marry a musical loving, God fearing cowboy I'm not cut out for this type of life. Some women are but I for sure am not.

I'm still not sure why God brought m out here, other than to see family. I'm still struggling with my choices and life. I know now that God isn't going to make it easy but he is wooing me. It sounded funny to me to but I can feel Him drawing me closer to Him. I had a horrible migraine yesterday and spent most of the day reading, praying or sleeping and came across 

this verse

“He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction......(Job 36:16 NIV)

What an awesome verse!

I have no clue what tomorrow will bring and am currently just trying to make it a day at a time but am taking comfort in the fact that I have a God who hears my prayers and loves me enough to let me go through storms of this life to come out stronger.

So I leave you with some pictures....

That's my brother and  dad you can't tell much by the picture but they look so so much alike!

Georgia on my mind....

Georgia is on my mind….

Why?!?

Cause I’m moving there on Saturday!!!!

Now is the time to place your “ how long will she make it bet” y’all. Just kidding (or am I)

I honestly have no clue why God is doing any of this but after a month of no job, no car, and no money it’s a wonderful option that lets me spend time with family and see if I can get back on my feet somewhere else. I’ve never really liked Austin and besides church and family I don’t have much of a reason to stay. So I’m going to try somewhere else.

I’ve had two songs on repeat during this “season”  Hillsongs “Oceans” and Jeff Johnson’s “Ruin Me”.
 ( look them up- soooooor good)

Ruin my life the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
'Till its You alone I live for,
You alone I live for.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 

Sounds to me like I should be careful what I pray for ;)

I’m so excited to go on this new adventure. I’ve spent the past few days crying and moping but I realized how silly that is. I should be excited to go on a new adventure not mourning my stupid apartment and friends…… I have no clue where it will lead me, I may find my forever home, stay a month- forever, this may lead me back to Australia (fingers crossed), seattle, or somewhere I’ve never dreamed of living. I can only hope that I will realize what I want to do with my life and become the person that God wants me to be.  

"I'm worn even before the day begins"

As some of you know I am a struggling. I've been told (by different people) that my facebook and blog post were "too depressing", and that no one wants to read that "crap" anyways so I haven't been blogging publicly my feelings and struggles lately. I said something to someone the other day that was out of the ordinary for me but it has some truth: " I can only be me" so this is me being me....... struggling......hungry.... and worn.


I've never been a writer, most likely never will be. If I were to put into words exactly how I feel right now it would be this song  Worn- Tenth Avenue North ( maybe their whole new album)
I was going to ask a friend to help me record it, maybe because I was thinking it might make more of a difference coming from my mouth, plus Christmas is coming and my mom would flip :) but that takes effort and I'm not the most confident in my voice at the moment so this will do...



I have no job, no car, no money, lost one of my best friends for the next few years ,and as always my emotions and health are out of control. I've had tons of interviews and by tons I mean about 7 now and I'm just like crap someone let me work. I'm not even being picky. We've been talking about Spiritual Warfare in bible study and also in relation to the new church plant ( COMING SOON!!! YAYers). While I know this is just a season (a frequent one like the dust storms in Snyder), its not making it any easier when I'm walking from bus to bus trying to get to interview with enough time and washrags in my purse to stop sweating and not look like a wet rat when I get there. Don't get me wrong- I know I'm so blessed and have it 10x better than most at my lowest.
I keep thinking back to James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers when you face trials of many kinds... because you know that the testing of your Faith produces perseverance, Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Contrary to popular belief I have memorized some scripture though it will most likely always be in the same category as me learning  piano and monkey bars- next to impossible
 Its comforting to think that maybe one day I will be mature- as in have my crap together.


In other news I've lost 7 lbs in the past week or so. I'd like to say it all because of my awesome workouts but I'm thinking its the dollar store diet and the fact that Austin buses are so spread out its nuts.






I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn



** Contrary to popular belief I have memorized scripture though it will most likely always be in the same category as me learning  piano and monkey bars- next to impossible

date, new music and more...

I wanted to sit down and write a deeply inspiration blog…. unfortunately that’s just not where my head is at right now. I just had my greek dinner delivered to work so I figured I'd eat and clear my head

I went on a “date” the other night. It was my first in a while. Note to self.  Just because He’s a Christian and you were set up through church stuff doesn’t mean he’s not a sleaze ball. Just sayin :)

I highly recommend the new Lady Antebellum album Golden. If I still lived in Australia with all those talented folks I’m sure I’d want to cover half of them. Lucky for them I’ll just jam (cry) in my car. I cried through half of there sad songs this morning and was like man. I wish I could write like that, or write period. Big fan of “it Aint Pretty and something about the rain”

It feels like I’m running off receptionists, this week both jobs have had front desk people quit leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. I wish there were more hours in a day.  If I could work all day at both places I would. Then maybe I could afford to live ( the way I want to) in this town.

I’m loving working at the Salon and watching people come in looking one way and leaving the next. Its making me want to look nicer and become more confident. I’ve been trying to make it to the gym or to run ( 

I walk they make laps around me) with some ladies from my bible study when I can but lately sleep is more important. I was told this afternoon that I needed to relax and calm down before I completely burn out. Which they are right but you do what you gotta do.

I’m still praying this next paycheck will be big enough for me to go to Georgia. I already have the days off but I need to make sure I can live once I get back. Its going to break my heart not to see my little brother graduate or see my Grandpa. Divorce sucks. One day I’ll be stable enough to afford to see everyone I love regularly.

I’ve been thinking about the LapBand surgery a lot lately. I feel like its cheating though… Figured I'd throw it out on my blog for some feedback?

No Biggest Loser, Makeover, and other ramblings

Its that time again. The time of year where my news feed, twitter, and email fill up about biggest loser castings and such. Unfortunatlly I will not be auditioning this year. I just feel like its what God wants me to focus on right now. With that being said I’m not going to make any promises I can’t keep. I’ve been working so much there isn’t as much time to run as I used to. Ive been walking and doing stretching in the mornings. I also have a few 5k’s 8, and even a 10k on my radar.

Yesterday was rough for me emotionally and mentally. I got my hair done at the salon and was so so nervous. I trusted Jason ( colorist) and Chelsey (stylist) to not make me look like a fool but it was just hard. I know my beauty comes from within but after donating my hair a few months ago I just haven’t felt it.

I may be fat but I had great hair and great eyes. That’s what I’ve told myself since about 16 so to mess with my hair was a big no no for me.

After my makeover, I had a new bounce in my step, and compliment after compliment. I couldn’t sleep last night ( what else is new), and was just laying in bed thinking when my best friend self hate started to whisper in my ear.  Do y’all ever have those nights? I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord so this morning I just tried to push all those thoughts out and own my new do ;)

I’m burning out. I’m not made to work 60 hrs a week, my mom keeps reminding me it hasn’t even been a full month yet. This morning they mentioned some changes to hours at the salon and I immediately wanted to cry. Noooo I need the money, more work more work more work. Funny how I had already forgotten that I sat in the car and prayed this morning that God would give me a break if I needed it. I may be getting one. I really just want a full day off, maybe two haha

I’m struggling with the Overcome the Lie Challenge. I’m so tired by the time I get home I can’t think enough to sit down and write which is the whole reason I did this in the first place. So I could document my 40 days. One of the hardest lies that we are working to overcome have to do with my voice and weight. So we shall (hopefully) see what comes of those soon.

I’m homesick for Snyder and Sydney heaps these days…………….. But seeing my Grandparents and my little brother Graduate is more important at this moment. What’s the point of 60 hour weeks if you don’t spend time with people you love. Praying that it all works out ;)

Clearing out brain space.

My head is clogged.

Our House is for sale. Someone buy it. Raise your family there. Love the sounds of a Friday Night Football game or early morning band practices. I listened to Miranda Lambert's "House That Built Me"  on repeat this morning and got all of my tears out. I really thought I was going to raise my own children in that house someday, or always have Christmas's there with my old and grey mother.... God must have different plans for us.

We were supposed to get our paychecks yesterday but due to a shipping error there wouldn't arive until today. When I got to work they informed me they were at another location but wouldn't be here until Monday. I said how about I go get them myself... So I jumped in the car and went picked them up. Maybe the folks I work with tonight will be super appreciative and tip me out decent :)

I get my hair did on Monday.- Nervous!
I love working at the Salon and Spa. I get to pretend to be someone I'm not, then one day hope I've faked it till I've made it.

There is a bug who must live in a pair of shoes. Everytime I've warn them this week I've gotten bites... Or it lives under the desk at work. Both of which are gross and creepy.

Its sad when the most excited thing your going to buy with this paycheck is good toilet paper, q-tips and laundry soap. Or slim fast. Its a toss up between which I'm more excited about. Dollar Tree has been my friend on this exploration of life on my own but sometimes you just have to splurge on the decent stuff.

I'm  on day 5 of the 40 Day Overcome the Lie Challenge and I feel God doing something awesome in my life. Praying He will reveal where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do!* on another note I'm open to suggestions* I've been praying that God will make some things "Slap in the face clear!"



My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

speaking of spa....I listen to spa music 7 hours a day.... there is this one creepy carny song that I can never catch to thumbs down on pandora. well folks I caught it today! BAM

Both of my Grandparents (Dads)  in Georgia & NC are dealing with Lung Cancer issues and junk. I haven't publicly asked for prayer yet because I haven't properly dealt with it... But how selfish of me is that, so would you please join  me in prayer for the strength to fight and miraculous healing. Pray for my Dad and aunt Cathy who are dealing with both parents being ill.
On that note im not putting up with smoking around me.......... if I see you I'll put it out myself.
Think about your future kids and grandkids.


My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.