Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Simple Acts of Moving Forward- a Letter to my Inner Child

I’m reading this book called “Simple Acts of Moving Forward – a little Book about Getting Unstuck.”
Today’s chapter was about loving you inner child and nourishing that little girl or boy that lives inside you. So far these chapters have been nice to think about but nothing I felt like trying- maybe its because I’m in a dark rain cloud of crap. Anywhooo.. It encourages you to find old pictures of said inner child then write them a letter full of Encouragement so I decided to give it a shot!

Here goes….

5 years old, Just had a booster shot- David Fraziers

Dear Precious Princess Sarah, 

     You are so very loved, not only by your family but the people who helped raise you.  Your Daddy Loves you and when your mom dials his number and throws the phone its because she loves you too. Nothing you do can make your Dad or Mom love you more or less so just be you. Never Ever listen to the voice in your head  that says you are not smart, pretty, or skinny enough. Your mom worked very very hard to make sure you get to see things beyond your small town so enjoy them. Remember you have a Voice- a big and powerful one that God gave you to use, not hide. Boys are stupid and you deserve the best. You WILL fall in love one day. ( maybe even get married, not there yet) You will get to go places others will never go and do many things your friends don’t. You get to be free and make your own decisions. Don’t listen to the little man who tells you your too fat to be on Broadway, if you do though go to the Ag building where you “belong”. You might even win state in something.  In High school you will get to go on tons and tons of trips. You will get to be in Central Park with your best friends and that’s a moment to never ever forget. You will also get to pet a Kangaroo, not many people from Snyder get to do those things.
      You do not have to try and make everyone else happy. You just be you. Oh you’re goofy silly and crazy but that is you and that’s why people love you. Never forget that.  NEVER cut your hair above your shoulders. Try and finsh a college degree one day- apparently you will need one of these to be happy. The days will be bright and sunny but the nights will be dark and scary. Be strong in the Lord and never give up. You are such a cool kid! When you get homesick its okay, its not your fault. Your sick. You will find out later in life that Anxiety and Depression started way back when so don’t feel like a freak. Your just wired differently. Not many kiddos can be so far away from their mommys and daddys and handle things the way you can. You get to have a brother and sister who are the coolest things ever, so never be mad about divorce. God makes great things out of terrible situations. You just keep your head up and keep singing and dancing in front of mirrors, and when the little black rain cloud comes to follow you around remember how fun it is to sing and dance in the rain. Garth Brooks and Jamie Pies will be there to help you sleep even 20 years from now.

Friday, February 8, 2013

I hate Medicine!

I'm one of those depressed, anxiety ridden people who hates the thought of NEEDING medicine. But Goodness do I need it. If you’re my family or one of my close friends take this moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.
My refill went out a few weeks ago and I felt so great It didn't cross my mind. Then with all the craziness in my life at the moment I just didn't have time to wait on hold for 30 mins between 8-5. So after talking to several pharmacists am told I must make an appointment. I called last week and after 35 mins on hold just went bizark and hung up. Then forgot.
 Until the other day, when  after I felt like I had been shocked and started running a fever I started goolging my eye twitching, insomnia, nauseas, emotional, crazy, twitching, migraine symptoms I realized I'm in full blown withdrawals. I left the apartment twice this weekend and could hardly funtion.
Then I'm upset with myself for being a stupid idiot and (not intentionally this time) making myself feel awful. I can hardly function and am out of control. so I call the dr and prepare myself to make an appointment and fix this crap.... like tomorrow
Well. The idiot in Behavioral health can't speak English to understand my name or date of birth ( maybe its my accent?) so she transfers me to a lesser idiot. by then I'm crying and she proceeds to tell me to calm down. HELLLO You work in behavioral Health aka crazy department. NEVER EVER tell someone to calm down. Depression and Anxiety Rule #1.  I then remove myself from the office because going bat crap crazy is just so professional. They inform me that I can't get it to see the dr again until March 13. Because I ad just googled my symptoms, I knew that I would be locked up in a mental ward if I cold turkey quit my meds until March 13th. which just made it worse.
yes I know this is my fault and I did it to myself but still. After mentioning that I think I'm in withdrawals she says well I can send him a note that says you have an appointment march 13 and could he refill your prescription in the meantime.

Well thanks ma'am
Fast forward a week……

It's 3:00 am and I'm laying on the floor in the bathroom drenched in sweat facebooking my mom who has one to many sick folk in her life. I just took a ice cold shower and am now hugging the toilet with a ghetto icepack on my neck. Thankfully I saw my little temperature thing said 65 or I would have just cranked the air out of habit.
I'm writing this because its so so hard to be honest about antidepressants and medicine and such. No one could paint a real picture for me about the good and bad effects of medicine.  I'm on day 10 of withdrawals and day 1 of new. The pharmacist said it would take another 2 weeks of craziness for me to level out, and the dr Implied with my ovary problems and hormones sometimes its hard to tell. Personally if I came across someone with my crazy symptoms I'd lock me up and drug me until this is over but apparently there are lots of folks in the real world dealing with the same issues I am.  3-5% actually which means there are boocoos of crazys out there. Depression and anxiety is such a hush hush topic which I totally get but I hate the lying. I didn't feel like going to bible study or church Sunday cause I didn't want to look people in the face and say I'm good or I'm fine or dodge be subject. It's awkward if someone says how are you and your like uh I've been better... Crazy... Sick ... Gone postal. I mean no one wants to hear that. That's what those people are there for though. ( Insert thats what friends are for music)  plus contrary to popular belief most suffering with anxiety and depression really dont want the attention. Granted I'm blogging about it but ya know. So now at 3:29 I regret not going. Oh well. Can't change it. Move on. guilt is bad. (I'm quoting therapy mantras in my head)  

Anyways to those of you who are wondering how I am or why I'm "distant" this is why.

I'm sick 


Medicine is a bummer. ( or any other inappropriate word you would like to insert.