Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Cars and Heat.

I'm writing this because I needed something to do while I cool down before showering. I hate taking a shower and then your still sweating when you get out. I know I'm quite picky.

Why in the world did I think I could "train" for a 5k in the summer, I mean really Sarah, you can hardly function if its more than 73! What made me think I could do this?

I started sweating bullets in my warm up walk this morning. It was like I was breathing in clouds and sticky death. not okay.  I only 3/4 of my way through the work out before I gave up and came back to the house. I was laying on the tile floor, yes I turn into a dog and love the floor, waiting to cool down when I thought oh I wonder how hot it is out. 76!!!!! I started at 5:45, why is it so hot so early.
I'm starting to think I should move to the great north, or obtain another gym membership that I can't afford and will just murder my already unstable finances.

Speaking of finances, Please pray for another part-time job or that mine would become full time. I'm almost breaking even by working the part-time as apposed to my full time which would be so so great if I could get another part-timer. I'm know that the Lord hears my prayers and I just need some doors to open. :)

Did I mention a car too? my car is on its last leg which means we need to do something ASAP. But who is going to sale a car to someone who just has a part time job, I make more money in the end I keep telling them, but they don't care that you worked for nothing at your full time job so you went and got a part-timer that paid lots more, car folks dont care. They look at your credit and smile and say "HAHA sarah, you shouldn't have crapped away the past 8 years of your life. Figuring out what you want to do and traveling the world" " you should have your masters degree in something you strongly dislike by now and be comfortable living in misery in your giant house with high payments, no husband, no kids and no life because you hate your job" They don't say that, really they just smile, but I know its what they are thinking! So if your one of those people who believe in praying for silly things, I'd really like a Honda CRV ( any color but blue) under 10,000 without a Co-signer.

Its weeks like this I want to hop on a plane and go to Oz, but that's how we got here in the first place, time for me to be an adult.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

" this plant needs extra care"

As some of you may know I'm house sitting for Mrs Bridges aka the Abster this weekend. So after a killer 2 mile walk/jog I was sitting on her back porch having some water ( I wish I could say coffee). I was looking at her freshly watered plants thinking about their beauty and life.

I'm not a plant person. I took after my mom and have a black thumb... she would kill Beth's plants and I kill Abby's. Its life.  I could see the hesitation when Abby was showing me how and which ones need watering. Yes Yall I need special instructions when it comes to plants. I didn't want to be like" remember when you went on your honeymoon.... then we went under super water restrictions so I didn't water as much and get yall find but instead I  killed your whole backyard and porch of awesomeness" yeah......

I have been super proud of myself since being here. I'm taking time and caring for each plant, the dogs and even myself. I've walked almost every morning, eaten at home every night but one, and besides watching all of Game of Thrones season 2 in a night I've been somewhat productive; just over all being a super responsible grown up, I got paid friday and haven't even touched it, granted it all goes straight to bills but that's another story...

Anyways plants. Back to plants. Not rabbit trails ...

The other night Abby said "this one needs extra care, I'm nursing it back to health, it got blown around in the move" This morning while watering that plant I couldn't help but thing about my Heavenly Father saying that about me.  " This one needs extra care, shes fragile, shes gotten blown around in the move", or life for that matter...

I feel like God is slowly nursing me back to health. 

I may need extra watering, extra time, before I'm normal and can live with the rest of the plants in peace on the back porch. Sometimes I may need to be brought in during a bad storm even though the other plants are "strong enough" to stand the weather. Some plants can be temperamental and emotional when faced with a new climate or change. I've always sworn I'd rather be single my whole life than be divorced... maybe God needs some more time to water my future husband and I to make sure we have a strong relationship.  I don't want to meet my future husband or find my dream career a sick, wilted, blown around plant. I want to be loved and cared for until I'm healthy and strong enough to withstand the weather.

1 Corinthians 2:9
But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”

I ironically had this song in my head which I think fits perfectly with how I'm feeling this morning.

No eye has seen
No ear has heard
The depths of Your love, Lord
No mind can fathom
The love You deserve
How great You are


Friday, May 25, 2012

20 lbs and a magical light switch....

Lately I've found my self hoping, wishing and praying for a magical light switch. One that could turn off my emotions, make me a runner, even help me fall out of love. I know that this light switch is an imaginary combination of time and hard work. Both things I struggle with.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder... personally I think it just makes it hurt worse. Absence just stinks. I've tried to do everything possible to keep my mind off of things but it just isn't working this week. My heart it just all sorts of jumbled. I'm one of those I'm happy if your happy kind of people so I guess I'll just keep praying about happiness. Ive found myself praying the "if its not Your will please take it away painlessly, please" a silly prayer that usually ends in pain and gut wrenching torture. The last time I prayed that I came kicking and screaming home from Australia...

I'm sick of people thinking I'm losing weight for said person that I miss so much..... I'm not. ... sure sometimes its easier to keep going or get up with the thought of looking like a better version of myself but that's not why I'm doing it. If you don't loose weight for yourself it will never stay off.

 I know lately all I've done on here is gripe. I'm trying so hard to be a responsible adult but lately I feel like I've been kicked while I'm down, especially in the job/money world. I desperately need another job and have been searching like crazy the past few days. Whenever I say something about two jobs most of the people I'm around keep telling me the whole I worked two jobs for my children ect. I found myself saying well if I had kids I'm sure I'd have more motivation but student loans.. no thanks. When I was 18 I didn't think I'd be 25 and trying to get a second job to help pay for my LACK of degree. Sure I have wonderful life experience but that doesn't help me much in the real world.

God has allowed me to go so many places and do so many things in life I should be thankful for what I have and realize that each day is a gift. Even if I don't have the guy I love (yet), my own place, a college degree, and more airline rewards points, "I still have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

Did I mention that the scale says I've lost 20 lbs today!!! 20, I've been so wrapped up in my emotions and junk I couldn't even be happy for myself .... Its taken me a good 6 hours to even mention it on facebook for fear that its not noticeable or something of that matter... you should notice 20 lbs right?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

4 Months and counting......

Something happened yesterday while I was walking..... I started counting and realized my first 5k was in 4 MONTHS Y'all! I started to panic. Have I been saying "I'm going to run a 5k in 6 months" for two months now? I thought I had more time. I neeeeeed more time.

I actually don't. I just need to get my rear in gear. Yesterday was good. I burnt off the majority of calories I consumed and got in about 3 miles of walking and jogging.  I can't RUN for more than a min right now without doubling over in pain or hurling in the bushes, but I have faith that I'll get there.

I've also tossed around the idea of just walking the "run for recovery" and saving my super awesome runner one for Snyder, I've also thought of just nixing this race all together. I'm still praying about it. I'm praying about asking some people to do it with me but just don't know... I don't know much of anything now a days. I do know that I'm hungry and late so I must grab a slimfast and head on down the road to work in my hot car.
Yeah my air conditioner decided to die yesterday afternoon right after I got done working out at Town Lake. silly car.

Check out the website, If you know someone struggling or recovering from substance abuse, or just want to do it with me I'd love the company!

Monday, May 21, 2012

If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say it at all...

If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say it at all...

I've thought about this statement so many times in the past few weeks.... So much so that I haven't blogged because I edit out everything I write because it's not positive enough.
Two separate family members on different occasions have asked that I only speak positive about myself....
How do I speak so highly of a body that's about 100lbs overweight? Until I find the answer I won't speak of it at all I guess!

I know they mean well and only want what's best for me but let me tell you it's hard! It's hard not to be able to write how I feel or what's going on for fear that someone will be upset. I type out and delete countless blogs and Facebook statuses a day because I don't want to upset anyone!

The point of me blogging my issues with weight was so that I can share my ups and downs, the good, bad, and ugly, the positive and the negative!

Not pretend everything is sunshine happy rainbows of Heath and fitness!

I leave you with a picture from my fabulous day with the Abster
She fixed my unruly brows and treated me to a pedicure! Funny how your friends know what you need even when you don't!

Friday, May 18, 2012


I apologize if you read this every friday hoping to find my awesome weight loss journey. I gained 5 inches and who knows how many pounds this week  and I'm just down. I'm doing everything I can not to comfort myself with a trip to mcdonalds and starbucks if I had the money to crap away, which I don't.

wow what a week.  I know that most of you, adults at least, have worked two jobs at some point in their life. I on the other hand haven't..... and I'm tired. Utterly exhausted. I haven't done any walking, jogging, or barre3 workouts this week, unless you count in my sleep last night from 5-6 I ran a mile on a track. Sad there are no tracks around here.
I feel sloppy. Its so hard to take a lunch that you know you can eat in the car without warming it up or anything, I had wheat thins and cracker chips a few days then said screw it and got some fried chicken.  That was a big no no. The next day my body was screaming for veggies  so I finally made it to the store and had squash, zucchini, and broccoli.  I know that the choice to eat healthy is a decision and some days you just mess up but I don't like how I feel after messing up. The Free Frosty the salesman brought me just wasn't worth eating... after two bites I tossed it in the trash. I wish I had more willpower.

Its been one of those weeks where I just cry and ask God why life isn't turning out the way I planned. Why aren't I happy ect... I caught a glimpse of old sarah at praise team auditions this week, she came out for one chorus of "Hosanna" then went ran away.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Just some junk

I was happy to embark on a new job endeavor this morning. I love the people I work with and think I'm going to be able to thrive there. The drive wasn't too bad but I got there alittle early :/. I missed a few important phone calls from a dear friend but that's okay, I will settle with the voice-mails for now. I'm thankful that I have a God who listens to my needs no matter how small they are.
Church was good yesterday. God is doing something in my heart I just can't put my finger on. I know that I will just have to trust him with my money and job situation. I was so so excited to be responsible adult and have two jobs... oh well! Hopefully a week of double jobs will help carry me over until the new paychecks start.
Spencer and I spent the majority of the day watching tv and the vow. I was just preparing my rest for my 11 hours days, not that I'm complaining!

I'm not sure how the weight-loss thing is going this week. I'm going to try my hardest to workout but I don't know where I will squeeze in the time, or mulah. I'm craving another Barre3 workout!

I dreamed I was in Sydney last night. I had a wedding ring on, though I'm not sure who I was married to. I was also quite smaller than I am now. I was with some random people from my new church, Abby, Leta, and my mom. We were at Hillsong Conference and I was leading. I didn't want to wake up. David and Jared were also there along with Arja, Sylvia,  Michelle, and Alexis. We were at some kind of dinner! It was wonderful!
I woke up with something missing, I missed the sense of family that I had there. On the other hard I'm glad that I'm starting to meet people to connect with here.

My aunt is still on the house hunt, we saw some pretty cool ones this weekend so hopefully we will have a new home soon.

My emotions are full on this week. Beware. I wish I could control them :(

Friday, May 11, 2012

5.5 down and other junk

I'm surprised I lost weight this week. .
I'm down 5.5 lbs since last Friday and another 3 inches.
 Not as many inches as before but I'll take what I can get.
 According to myfitnesspal I've lost total 17 lbs since I started this journey a few months ago.
I went to another barre3 class last night. I got home and was ready to eat my feelings of worry and sadness away. Lucky for me there was an evening class and I sweat away the emotions. I was proud of my decision not to order a pizza and sit on the couch alone with the dogs and DVR. I can hardly move today but YAY because it hurts so good.

Change is happening all around me. I start a new part time job on Monday which im super excited about. I could use the extra prayers in job and money land though. Gods plan is always greater than mine but still.
Maybe next week if I get to down 20 lbs I'll post some pictures... but then again....

Everything I have to say at the moment isn't blog appropriate ( rants) or just total debby downer so I'm gonna focus on the good. Another week of lost weight/inches!

I'm ready for mothers day but I miss my mommy.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Barre 3 and the Linebacker Ballerina

About 2 weeks ago I was fiddle farting around online and saw that a Barre3 Studio was opening in Austin. Much to my surprise when I learned they were giving away a weeks’ worth of free classes. FREE CLASSES! What the Hay I thought! Might as well sign up! It says it was Ballet Barre work mixed with yoga and Pilates. I began praying that my tiny dancer self would remember how! They say our muscles will know and kick back in so I was just hoping for that.

I texted the only two people I thought might go and not completely laugh at me Abby and Jade. Fortunately/Un Abby was moving last week-YAY ABBY- a feel a new home post coming soon……. Jade and I signed up for last night’s class! After a mishap with me joining the 8:30am class I had to call and ask to please be put in the 6:00pm! Thanks Barre3 for letting me in! Jades my super runner friend! Its so nice to have her to talk to and ask about heath/run junk! I’m becoming more and more thankful for the people I have here, anyways back to class

After a day of paranoia I thought about texting at 5:15 and saying there’s no possible way I’m doing this.

I prayed all the way downtown.

I’m not a downtown driver so I wasn’t quite on time but still got there early. Watching the other ladies in the class before me made me feel like a giant.

We go in and get set up, breath, then class started.

It was great!

I shook, and sweat, and only had to stop a few times! Once my body just couldn’t do what they were doing because I have a few tons extra fat in the way but besides that I seemed to be able to do everything they were. I was the largest person in class but everyone was nice and very welcoming. I didn’t quite feel out of place. I felt like someone who was in a class the NEEDED to be in. I highly recommend Barre 3 Austin Downtown for anyone looking for a fun workout class! The staff was awesome and helpful. They made the experience so fun, especially for me the plus size giant in the room! There were women and a man, of all shapes , sizes, and ages!

I've always said I'm a tiny dancer trapted in a linebackers body.
When I was younger I loved dance so much. It was my time. I got to forget all the stress and worry for a few times a week. No matter how large I got, I was still graceful and could guide along the floor with the rest of them. The jokes started coming in about me wearing a 4x4 not a tutu because I was so big. It hurt but I didn’t care. Dance was mine. Dance was something that I could do, and do it well despite looking like linebacker. Looking at pictures from when I was little you could see me grow up, and gain more and more weight! About puberty the weight got worse but yet I still danced. Sure I had to be the guy during some lifts- and always be there to spot people. I spent many a time standing under molly ready to catch her if she were to come tumbling down but I didn’t care, it was fun to be a part. It was still dance. Sure I wasn’t about to do toe for more than a year because my ankles just couldn’t hold me up. I wanted to be a ballerina. I wanted to move to New York and sore through the air in Swan Lake, but I was too big. There were no fat, big boned, large ballerinas.

Even though it wasn’t technically a “dance” class I felt that way last night. I felt my muscles move the way they used to! I may be 25 and 100 lbs overweight but I will always be a dancer!

Monday, May 7, 2012

New kids on the church block...

hello all!
I feel like I've been under a rock this weekend. I was doggy sitting precious Hadley for my friend Jade so I wasn't near my computer or Ipod! Goodness I didn't realize how much of an Internet addict I am!

I had just a blah down week last week and was looking so forward to Church. My friend Leta was feeling the same way to so we chalked it up to just Satan getting us down. Which meant maybe God has something awesome in store for us! Church started out great and I was rocking some awesome hair. Leta who thought she was going to be late made it on time and we were ready to Worship.

Then I heard it.

 Something I fear.

The lady behind me turned to someone after moving and said " I just can't see around her" I immediately started my  "don't cry" "she meant above you" you're super tall' "DO NOT CRY IN CHURCH SARAH" I was slowing shrinking and trying not to get up and leave.  I know I'm big and that people can't see around me. On a high school trip in New York I had a teacher use me as a Wind Break most of the week.
but shouldn't you be able to go to church and not feel ashamed,  judged, or out of place with how you look. Shouldn't you just be safe in the Lords house.
I love the back because I don't have to deal with so many people, plus theres room! But with the back comes distractions so Leta have found us a happy little third row side compromise thing. Its so hard being the new kid in church. I'm thankful to have a friend in Leta and us to navigate our way through a new experience together, but this almost made me run.  Run home to my bed and a bag of potato chips.

I know that I'm overreacting and shouldn't have read into her comment but it was within earshot and just stung. I'm trying so hard to become healthier and happier but goodness I felt like that set me back so far. Why can't I just trust God with my body and health. Am I calling God a liar when I look in the mirror and say "woah I look like a fat cow".  The Bible says I'm made in His image, beautiful and wonderfully made infact.
Why can't I just let go and let God help me. I've always said HE will help me when time to lose weight and HE is so why am I so upset because someone at church can't see "around me"

Luckily we started singing The Stand which is an immediate lose Sarah in Worship song!
The message was great and just what I needed to hear!

An akward incident at lunch made me realize that yes I am new but I have to treat people the way I want to be treated. If I want friends I can make them. I can invite people to lunch. I can have parties and invite poeple. I can seek out people hiding in the corner. I can make sure that no one feels the way we did on Sunday. I can pray that God opens our eyes to situations that we can be used in. That God would open doors and opportunities for Leta and I to serve and become involved and meet more people. To be a light to an odd ball just looking for some comfort from the Lord. Austin is a lonely place sometimes and I can't just be the poor fat girl in the corner, sad because the cool kids didn't talk to me I'm not 13 anymore.... I can be a leader, I can use the strengths that the Lord has given me to encourage and love on others. So can Leta and together we could see some awesomeness. Satan wanted Sunday to be awful for us. He wanted us to leave and not come back.... I thought about it for awhile even. Thought okay time to find another church but NO. I like my new home and I'm not going to let mindless comments and oblivious people stop me from serving the Lord.

Friday, May 4, 2012

That was close!

Today is going to be close. Its okay if you gain. You know you didn't work as hard this week. I told my self these things all the way to work this morning!

It was a hard thing typing all my numbers in my spreadsheet this morning. I was just begging I didn't gain!
YAY for inches lost!
 Next week I wont slack as much because this ashamed feeling is not fun!


Waist 1.5
5 inches lost!

Super stoked about the neck loss... yall know how much I loath my chins.
Is it bad I'm craving a Mcdonalds breakfast or a buritto? I realize rewarding myself with food like a dog partly got me here in the first place... oh well. I spy a fruit bar :)

I'm ready to tackle today with a new attitude!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Attitude Adjustment

I was just not in the mood to smile today. I hate the way that sounds but I just wasn't. Not in the mood to act like everything is hunky dory and I'm in love with running when all I'd like to do is curl up and eat a pizza!

My aunt and I had a great afternoon of house hunting and junk yesterday but on the way home from Buda the flood gates just opened.... and they haven't seemed to stop. Besides my weight that's one thing that I wish I could change, I would give anything to be able to control my emotions.

After a massive mistake at work I had to send myself home for an attitude adjustment.  I remember when my mother used to tell me this when I as younger, it was always so negative but thats all i could think of today. I was scolding myself saying snap out of it darn it!
I just had to make today better. I prayed, cooked a slightly high in calorie but yummy lunch, and then jammed all the way back to work. It seemed to really help. Some days I don't get to leave so on days when I can I think I should start trying.

I'm dreading tomorrows measurements. I've just been in such a blah mood this week that I haven't done as well with my workouts and eating as I have the past 2 weeks.  I know that's normal but still... I'm disappointed. This is a hard road but one I'm committing to, so we shall see!

Maybe a long walk will do me good!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Bacon Bacon Bacon.....

If you’ve known me for long you know my love of food. Especially meat, and as a southern girl I have a special place in my heart for sausage and bacon. Now I have done good with pounds of sausage from my g-pa in our freezer but bacon is another story. I remember the first time my aunt and I were making bacon she was like you can’t eat the whole pound… watch me.

I woke up this morning around 2 craving bacon. It smelt like bacon was being held in front of my face. I’m usually a pretty light sleeper but had taken Advil pm last night because I was just so so sore from working out. I decided the bacon smell was just a dream and went back to sleep.

I woke up around 5 because I was in a bacon commercial for dogs, bacon.. bacon… bacon… bacon……

I slept through my “walk alarm” this morning I think because I was dreaming of my Memaw’s breakfast which is most likely all my calories for the week. After feeling like crap for not exercising I finally decided to drag my rear out of bed. While brushing my teeth I realized that the bacon smell was REAL and set off into the kitchen toothbrush, spit and all. I see a clean kitchen but then spot the bacon press on the stove. Really I thought? She made bacon with the old timey bacon press? But no sigh of life until I open the fridge!





I immediately return to the bathroom to finish my teeth brushing in hopes that there were some crumbs I could have. Once back in the kitchen I see a note that says,” this is for my potluck tonight but the extras are wrapped in the paper towel….”


Not only did she leave me some it was a perfect 250 calories of heaven.

That started my day out right. I got to work and was asked to go pick up a vehicle from text dot. Thank goodness my Dad taught me how to start a diesel. I made a fool of myself, sitting there for 10 mins not being able to figure out how to take off the parking break. I was in a big 13 passenger van but then had flash back of rodeos with my dad and him stomping on something! DING DING DING the parking break was off and so was I. Only a few curb checks later I was safely back to my desk ready for begin the work day.