Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Love notes- Hey You

Our bible study was going through a book called "Love Notes." The author wrote letters to his wife before he met her and now he has a book.....

I've been challenged throughout my life to write my future husband (if I have one) by my mom, friends, books and more. I do it more than you'd think, So tonight I decided to share.

Hey you,
I'm currently sitting in chilis alone. An hour ago I was wailing in my bathroom floor for no real reason besides me having a bad day, sick of being alone, and the fact that I lost that tight grip I've had on my emotions lately. I also caught a glimpse of my ugly cry face in the mirror and that's just not healthy. As you've read so many times before I pray you never see that side of me. The crazy warewolf side who is always on edge and out of control. Sadly if your reading this you will know that this is not a dream that will come true.

I have a big drs appointment tomorrow. Nothing that life altering but, my current blood pressure issues are much worse than I'd like to think. The stress of trying to keep my anxiety and stress down while completely changing the way I eat and live is exhausting. I have a feeling this is why I've been so crazy, and beyond lonely this week. Complete fear. Maybe that's why I'm in a restaurant alone writing you at the moment, I can't get much more pathetic.

I did however loose 7 lbs, get a spray tan and go to Brandon's wedding alone this week so that deserves something.

In less depression news. I'm singing a really hard/High song on Sunday. By now you have most likely heard my range from the good, the bad and ugly but you know how hard it is for me. I'm just so excited that by letting go of some inhibitions God is allowing me to grow in my gift. I'm still not sure is I believe "correctly" about woman worship leaders but I'm reading a book that is really helpful. Christy Knockles has written come of it and we all know how much I loooove her. As long as I pretend I'm singing in the car to God I think I might just be okay. Once upon a time I wished that my voice was what you fell in love with long before me. Is that weird.
Yeah I thought so too.

Did you ever had bad days like this?Weeks? Years? Did you ever eat alone and wonder what it would be like not to have to. ( Sundays are my worst) To always have someone to come home to? To sing with? To travel with? To laugh and cry with?
Or in my case cry and cry with.

I can feel God pursuing me for something greater yet somehow I keep pushing Him away. I hope I don't do the same with you..... How can I allow a man to pursue me when I have a hard time with my Creator loving me and showing me He cares. I mean God is the one who created my ugly cry. He sees it way more than most.
Of course you have never ever seen that ugly cry face, cause I'm Sarah and I have my emotions under control.

Except for tonight, yesterday, the day before that, and most likely tomorrow.

I'm so ready to meet you, or if I already know you... Well you know what I mean.
I never know how to end these.
By now you know I'm a total goofball though so


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Health Slap

I've been praying for God to break me down and rebuild me into a person He can use. Then I got what I've been asking for. A good ol God slap.


This week has been crazy. Actually the past few weeks have been crazy and I just didn't realise how overwhelmed I was getting. Yall know me, I think I'm superwoman until one day I can't get out of bed.

After some issues at work I finally had enough and took the day off Monday and went to the Dr. Only to hear what I've known and ran from for years.

My fat is affecting my health. Big time.
Like Stage two hypertension, my eyes are going bad, my kidneys aren't functioning properly, the ever ongoing my ovaries hate me issues, and anemia so bad we are hoping to avoid a blood transfusion.

Now some of you are like stop that, don't put your self down, God made you blah, blah blah or the other half of you are like yup, we've been telling her that for years.

This is serious and I need to take it seriously. I've never actually had a medical professional say if you don't change you will no doubt have a heart attack or stroke by the time your 30. But only I can make these changes. I've written so so so so many of these posts through out the years, and even more this year.

Sadly none of this happened over night, which means I can't undo the damage over night. I currently cant exercise or do anything strenuous until I meet with another Dr. regarding my blood pressure.

I'm well into day 3 of wheat free and I'm tired and hungry and cranky and my stomach is jacked. I guess this means its working ;)

I also think I will be taking some time away from facebook. I really want to write and blog more but facebook seems to take over my free time. Like I sit down to write, then an hour later I finally caught up on everything that has happened that day. Don't get me wrong I love love love being connected but I can feel my self withdrawing from real people and not having time for real life conversations or phone calls because I'm stuck on facebook. Maybe I'll take a break, maybe I won't. I still need to use it for work, church groups and even to post my blogs. Just please dont be offended if I dont see your status or what not, its not personal ;)
 I do know I will be blogging more and of course instagram ( a girls gotta have her selfies) maybe one day I'll have a selfie collage of my shrinking chins  ;)

So with that I'll leave you with pictures.
I did a random 5k at the beginning of the month.
This will be my before picture, cause it cant get much worse than this!

I "worked" the Grove kids booth for a festival.
Really I just made fun headbands with pipe cleaners.

 Sydney is in the distance. The thought of one day seeing this in person makes things better.
photo cred- Jared