Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Sarah in Seattle

To me its home of
Coffee- Which I don’t drink
Hipsters – Who don't exactly mix with my small town county self
Salmon – which I don’t eat
Rain and gloom- Which don’t mix with Depression

Yet somehow God has open some doors or giant windows I have no choice to walk through. I mean I'm kicking and screaming but gonna go anyways. Cause I think its time for an adventure, I mean come on, we all know I'm allergic to life in Austin.

So yes its official I'm moving to Seattle. Luckily for me some close friends are making the jump too. Basically I'm hitch hiking with them all the way to my moms.

I'll be living with her while I attempt to get my mental health under control, a job, and some money in my pockets.

All in all I really am excited about this adventure. I have about a week left and tons to due.

You can pray pray pray for
safe travels
Calm emotions
someone to buy my non running car
the energy to pack
Stephanie and Andrew while we figure out what to do with my part of the lease and/or the money to pay out the last two months.
My mother and I while we attempt to live together again after 9 years
Calm emotions
a new home church
supernatural knowledge of Seattle's public transportation
Calm emotions
and most importantly a job.

If you are a super packer or just want to visit please feel free to come by!

Secretly, or not so secretly, I'm really hoping this is a segway back to oz but who knows what God has in store.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Bus stop HATE

As y’all know the bus stop isn't my favorite place. If you've been in my neighborhood at night you understand why unless given a ride, I don't leave the house after dark. Our part is great but the bus stop is not. The walk there is brutal on most days but sometimes in the morning its cool enough to actually be enjoyable.

This morning was one of those. I got all dressed up to go to an interview, did my makeup, hair, and pulled myself together with my “FFA Disney overdone” smile and rockin personality to go yet another interview. I was so peppy I got to the bus stop early enough to “treat” myself to a kolache and bottle of water from the store across the street, though I wonder if there is a market for bus stop vending machines?

I make it back to the stop and next thing I know a middle aged man ( if I explained him further some might call me racist) was sitting next to me, all of my senses were off (I think due to new meds), yet my gut told me to get up an run.... fast. Of course I ignored my gut because we all know I don't run. Plus I was really excited to eat my breakfast (when you dont have a job a kolache is a spulrge). He keeps talking and next thing I know it I was being touched.

For some reason I felt like I was in a dream state mixed with lots of Seriously! After everything going on in my life right now this cant be really its 9:30 in the morning, all I want this job and to eat...... this isnt real.. God seriously... It was real and it was happening.

Fast forward passed the touching, yelling, comments, the purse grab, the 911 call and me shoving him away.

Lucky for me there was a patrol in the area... ya know.... cause this is the “east” side or whatever. It took the police hardly anytime to get there and I was super impressed. I did however wish I was in Snyder where someone on the block has a gun near their porch but nope. I'm in hipster land.

During one of my crying spells with the police, trust me there were lots, I was so mad about the kolache. Leave it to the fat girl to cry cause some jerk took her food. I mean the touching I can deal with but not the food. That jerk took my 99 cent kolache, UGH. The two policemen agreed that all of my inappropriate comments were better than just having a complete melt down and that lots of people use humor to cope.

Rewind to yesterday. I cheated on my diet and made Alfredo for the first time in months. It was wonderful, until I spent most of the day “hugging the porcelain throne” while my body rejected all that pasta.
Then today I got the Kolache.

Moral of the story is that I should never cheat on my diet..... or maybe just avoid that bus stop. Or both.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Invisible Illness

I'm currently sitting on a blanket outside in my back yard staring at the clouds and trying to force myself not to think. I set a timer for 15 mins just so I could be outside today. On of the many things I “should” do to help myself heal while the medicine does its job

Eat 3 meals a day
Take the medicine
Keep your space livable
dont shut people out
apply for jobs
Dont worry about my non working car
Exercise at least 15 mins a day
Keep up with therapy and appointments
Don't isolate
Don’t spend too much time on social media
Listen to music
Limit TV
Have fun
Keep it to your self
Learn to say no
Learn to relax
Sleep well
Keep a list of your symptoms
Learn your triggers
Don't think about Australia
Focus 100 % on finding a job
Read more
Pray harder
Don't blame your self
Don't take naps
Answer the phone even if you dont want to
Just Smile
Choose Joy

This is a list of things that I need to do, someone has told me to do, or have found online when suffering from Mental illness.

Personally its all extremely overwhelming. How about we add breath, don't scream at people, and turn on the lights to the list. These are the hardest for me at the moment. 

I like Sundays. I can function on a Sunday, at least for about 4 hours or so before retreating to nap the day away. Its in those hours at church when I remember who I once was and can still be again. Its singing or laughing or just sitting around watching people and their families that reminds me that I am in fact still alive and breathing. Sometimes it feels like this is all just a dream ( dont worry, they say its a symptom and total normal for someone with my mental state).

The rest of the week is the hard part. Mondays blah, Tuesdays Blah- unless we have bible study and I get enough willpower to take the bus to get there, Wednesdays more blah- unless bible study repeat process, Thursdays nope, Friday and Saturday are the worst. They are the days in which I want to get out and have fun but cant. I just sit here doing the same things over and over but adding the seeing friends out having fun while I sit at home thing. ( which sometimes makes the depression worse. Its a viscous cycle)
Just know that I'm trying. Trying to function, trying to leave the house, trying to hold on the the last threads of friendship that I haven't pushed away or blocked out. I'm in my late 20s and I should have my crap together now, or at least a plan on how I'm going to get there.

I've learned some things in the online/pintrest world called “Invisible Illnesses”. These people may not look sick, or show their symptoms (some life threatening) on the outside but fight a unseen battle daily. I'm not just talking about Depression, Bipolar, or Mental illnesses, Lupus, Fibromialgia, Chronic Fatigue are all examples of Invisible Illnesses. If you know someone (besides me) suffering from an “Invisible Illness” reach out to them. They might need it, they might not even know they need it but they do. Just a simple thinking about you will suffice, you dont have to visit or bring them meals ( though for some that is needed) or spend hours on the phone listening to them cry. For me personally its extremely hard to answer the phone or texts sometimes, You might think well she isn't “doing” anything else... yes, I am. I'm trying to live without spending every day crying for hours on the bathroom floor ( more on my “safe” place later). It doesn't mean they don’t effect me or encourage me. This week I had one of my super good friends growing up message me just to say hang in there and don’t give up, It meant the world. Another friend keeps sending me pictures of her precious baby girl with have a good day messages. I got about 6 before I ever responded, yet she kept sending them. Casey calls me everyday when he gets off work, even if I'm a total Bword to him for no reason(besides the obvious fact that im cray cray right now). Then there is Jared who doesn't complain when insomnia kicks in and I blow up his phone since Australia time difference means he is awake.
Not exactly sure why this iceberg resembles Africa.

People don't need lists of things they should and shouldn't do to cope.

People need love, support, and comfort even if they don’t want it.

They NEED it.

Mental illness is selfish, and ugly but at the end of the day we are still called to love just as Jesus did. Something I think the Church can work on. So I'm starting with me, Im going to attempt to love as Jesus did, despite my issues.