Oops I forgot my meds ( sung to the tune of oops I did it again)

As much as the weather kills me here for a few days last week I forgot about my depression. It may have been raining but my little black rain cloud was the furthest from my mind. So much so I forgot my meds. I'm not sure how many days and I'm not sure I want to know. I was up up way up most of the night and sleep was just not happening. I knew. The meds. I moved to the living room so I didn't bother my mom with my sobs because I knew the roller coaster that was coming. 
I fell asleep again for a few hours and when I awoke it was back. The sinking feeling in my head, the despair, and the rain. All before opening my eyes I knew today and a few following are going to be rough.

I should be celebrating the bible study I went to last night was great. I even felt comfortable, I'm thankful I've found a church here and can even get past the 60+ min sermons because I know God has called me there. Not to mention the wonderful co workers I'm around today. We had such a fun outing this weekend and I'm just so so thankful I work here.

But.
All I want is to be around my church family and friends who know me, know my illness, my moods and can hold me while I cry. It's so so hard for me to meet people and be open. It's exhausting pretending to have it together!

At the same time I see a light at the end of this tunnel because in all reality I'm thankful I had enough "good" days in a row I forgot the meds.

dreams, half marathons, and more

When I was little I wanted to be on broadway, be in the WNBA, a vet, and back on broadway. I loved to sing and dance and was surrounded by people (mostly family) telling me that I could actually do it. I could dream big and be whatever I wanted to be. Deep down I knew they didnt really believe that and I would never be on broadway. Same for the WNBA. I always thought I was too fat and not good enough to do any of those things. But my family still kept on the  you can be anything in the world mindset. A teacher put the nail in the broadway coffin once by saying " there are enough fat actresses on Broadway, you should stick to ag where you belong" so I did. I gave up, and dropped out of drama. Much to my surprise I won state in that year (they didnt), in multiple FFA team events, and somehow was the best poultry judger in the state. If you know me now you most likely know that story, because I'm proud of it........ because I did it. Me... miss too fat and not good enough won.
I am still so so proud.
Same goes with my finishing my 4 5ks... I finished. I'm proud. I did that. me. 100 lbs over weight, un healthy, depressed me. Finished 4 races. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that Sarah.




I'm reading a book called "Lets All Be Brave", there is a chapter called just start, how God made you for a purpose and sometimes you just have to start, even if you think you'll fail.


I decided it was time to go back to my half marathon training. I started looking online and realized that the Seattle Half Marathon is at the end of November. I jumped out of bed and ran in the other room to my mother to ask if she though I could do it.
She said no.

I then retreated back to my room and texted a friend to see if he thought I could do it... he didn't say no, but he nicely said he didn't think it was the best idea.

I got mad, then hurt, then cried a few moments and thought oh well. I proceeded to convince myself I couldn't do it anyways.

Until today.
Today  I started reading "Lets All Be Brave" again. I finished the chapter and then walked 3.5 miles.... Day one of my 8 week half marathon training.
I talked to mom about it again at dinner and we agreed that I would start training and as it got closer go to the dr to make sure im healthy enough... turns out she wasnt really meaning to be a dream crusher, its just how it came out. I said "you think i can do this?" she said "no." end of story... she left out the my heart health isnt the best at the moment part.... I just heard no.




 Ive learned alot in the past few years of spiraling depression ..... I've learned I just dont try anymore. I believe I cant do anything and have completely stopped trying.

I've given up on loosing 100 lbs...
given up on actually going back to australia, ( I should be there right now... I had a trip planned)
given up on being mentally stable,
and being the person I know God made me to be.

So if this turns into another one of my I can do it, failed attemps at something blog so be it.
At least I tried. and will hopefully keep trying......

Sarah in Seattle

Seattle.

To me its home of

Coffee- Which I don’t drink

Hipsters – Who don't exactly mix with my small town county self

Salmon – which I don’t eat

Rain and gloom- Which don’t mix with Depression

Yet somehow God has open some doors or giant windows I have no choice to walk through. I mean I'm kicking and screaming but gonna go anyways. Cause I think its time for an adventure, I mean come on, we all know I'm allergic to life in Austin.

So yes its official I'm moving to Seattle. Luckily for me some close friends are making the jump too. Basically I'm hitch hiking with them all the way to my moms.

I'll be living with her while I attempt to get my mental health under control, a job, and some money in my pockets.

All in all I really am excited about this adventure. I have about a week left and tons to due.

You can pray pray pray for

safe travels

Calm emotions

someone to buy my non running car

the energy to pack

Stephanie and Andrew while we figure out what to do with my part of the lease and/or the money to pay out the last two months.

My mother and I while we attempt to live together again after 9 years

Calm emotions

a new home church

supernatural knowledge of Seattle's public transportation

Calm emotions

and most importantly a job.

If you are a super packer or just want to visit please feel free to come by!

Secretly, or not so secretly, I'm really hoping this is a segway back to oz but who knows what God has in store.

Bus stop HATE

As y’all know the bus stop isn't my favorite place. If you've been in my neighborhood at night you understand why unless given a ride, I don't leave the house after dark. Our part is great but the bus stop is not. The walk there is brutal on most days but sometimes in the morning its cool enough to actually be enjoyable.

This morning was one of those. I got all dressed up to go to an interview, did my makeup, hair, and pulled myself together with my “FFA Disney overdone” smile and rockin personality to go yet another interview. I was so peppy I got to the bus stop early enough to “treat” myself to a kolache and bottle of water from the store across the street, though I wonder if there is a market for bus stop vending machines?

I make it back to the stop and next thing I know a middle aged man ( if I explained him further some might call me racist) was sitting next to me, all of my senses were off (I think due to new meds), yet my gut told me to get up an run.... fast. Of course I ignored my gut because we all know I don't run. Plus I was really excited to eat my breakfast (when you dont have a job a kolache is a spulrge). He keeps talking and next thing I know it I was being touched.

For some reason I felt like I was in a dream state mixed with lots of Seriously! After everything going on in my life right now this cant be happening....like really its 9:30 in the morning, all I want this job and to eat...... this isnt real.. God seriously... It was real and it was happening.

Fast forward passed the touching, yelling, comments, the purse grab, the 911 call and me shoving him away.

Lucky for me there was a patrol in the area... ya know.... cause this is the “east” side or whatever. It took the police hardly anytime to get there and I was super impressed. I did however wish I was in Snyder where someone on the block has a gun near their porch but nope. I'm in hipster land.

During one of my crying spells with the police, trust me there were lots, I was so mad about the kolache. Leave it to the fat girl to cry cause some jerk took her food. I mean the touching I can deal with but not the food. That jerk took my 99 cent kolache, UGH. The two policemen agreed that all of my inappropriate comments were better than just having a complete melt down and that lots of people use humor to cope.

Rewind to yesterday. I cheated on my diet and made Alfredo for the first time in months. It was wonderful, until I spent most of the day “hugging the porcelain throne” while my body rejected all that pasta.

Then today I got the Kolache.

Moral of the story is that I should never cheat on my diet..... or maybe just avoid that bus stop. Or both.

Invisible Illness

I'm currently sitting on a blanket outside in my back yard staring at the clouds and trying to force myself not to think. I set a timer for 15 mins just so I could be outside today. On of the many things I “should” do to help myself heal while the medicine does its job

Eat 3 meals a day

Pray

Take the medicine

Shower

Keep your space livable

dont shut people out

apply for jobs

Dont worry about my non working car

Exercise at least 15 mins a day

Keep up with therapy and appointments

Don't isolate

Don’t spend too much time on social media

Listen to music

Limit TV

Pray

Have fun

Keep it to your self

Learn to say no

Learn to relax

Sleep well

Keep a list of your symptoms

Learn your triggers

Don't think about Australia

Focus 100 % on finding a job

Read more

Pray harder

Don't blame your self

Don't take naps

Answer the phone even if you dont want to

Just Smile

Choose Joy

This is a list of things that I need to do, someone has told me to do, or have found online when suffering from Mental illness.

Personally its all extremely overwhelming. How about we add breath, don't scream at people, and turn on the lights to the list. These are the hardest for me at the moment. 

I like Sundays. I can function on a Sunday, at least for about 4 hours or so before retreating to nap the day away. Its in those hours at church when I remember who I once was and can still be again. Its singing or laughing or just sitting around watching people and their families that reminds me that I am in fact still alive and breathing. Sometimes it feels like this is all just a dream ( dont worry, they say its a symptom and total normal for someone with my mental state).

The rest of the week is the hard part. Mondays blah, Tuesdays Blah- unless we have bible study and I get enough willpower to take the bus to get there, Wednesdays more blah- unless bible study repeat process, Thursdays nope, Friday and Saturday are the worst. They are the days in which I want to get out and have fun but cant. I just sit here doing the same things over and over but adding the seeing friends out having fun while I sit at home thing. ( which sometimes makes the depression worse. Its a viscous cycle)

Just know that I'm trying. Trying to function, trying to leave the house, trying to hold on the the last threads of friendship that I haven't pushed away or blocked out. I'm in my late 20s and I should have my crap together now, or at least a plan on how I'm going to get there.

I've learned some things in the online/pintrest world called “Invisible Illnesses”. These people may not look sick, or show their symptoms (some life threatening) on the outside but fight a unseen battle daily. I'm not just talking about Depression, Bipolar, or Mental illnesses, Lupus, Fibromialgia, Chronic Fatigue are all examples of Invisible Illnesses. If you know someone (besides me) suffering from an “Invisible Illness” reach out to them. They might need it, they might not even know they need it but they do. Just a simple thinking about you will suffice, you dont have to visit or bring them meals ( though for some that is needed) or spend hours on the phone listening to them cry. For me personally its extremely hard to answer the phone or texts sometimes, You might think well she isn't “doing” anything else... yes, I am. I'm trying to live without spending every day crying for hours on the bathroom floor ( more on my “safe” place later). It doesn't mean they don’t effect me or encourage me. This week I had one of my super good friends growing up message me just to say hang in there and don’t give up, It meant the world. Another friend keeps sending me pictures of her precious baby girl with have a good day messages. I got about 6 before I ever responded, yet she kept sending them. Casey calls me everyday when he gets off work, even if I'm a total Bword to him for no reason(besides the obvious fact that im cray cray right now). Then there is Jared who doesn't complain when insomnia kicks in and I blow up his phone since Australia time difference means he is awake.

Not exactly sure why this iceberg resembles Africa.

People don't need lists of things they should and shouldn't do to cope.

People need love, support, and comfort even if they don’t want it.

They NEED it.

Mental illness is selfish, and ugly but at the end of the day we are still called to love just as Jesus did. Something I think the Church can work on. So I'm starting with me, Im going to attempt to love as Jesus did, despite my issues.

30 Days of Hustle: Why

If your reading this and you don't know me, it means I grew a pair and actually posted this somewhere public. Instead of my own personal fb aka the hustle page.

I signed up to do Jon Acuff's 30 days of hustle. Mostly because I did his start challenge and royally failed, and now God has given me no choice but to get my life in order health wise. So why now actually participate in his thing.

So my  Hustle Goal for the next 30 Days is " To be more responsible with my health, fiances, and relationships.

I can do that for 30 days right?!?

Day 2's challenge was to think about a WHY.  WHY is this my goal?

My weight is obvious. I must lose weight for my heart, high blood pressure, kidneys, eyes (I'm learning to rock the glasses) and ovaries. I no longer have any other choice. Well besides stroke or heart attack. As weird as it may sound, the thought of not dying from a fat man disease isn't what keeps me from eating pizza at the moment. Its not the thought of having someone fall in love with me, its not finding Mr right and living happily ever after. Its not my dreams of wearing a nice swim suit next time I'm in Australia either. Its Babies. I want to have children if that's a possibility, adopt or even be a foster parent with kids only in my life for the time.
Why do I want to get my health in order? Babies. Or the possibilities of babies. That's the end goal, a family. A healthy family.
( I know that most likely a husband will come before this, which may be a pretty rad reward but for the first time in my life im not trying to loose weight for a man...... and that feels really good) (( I also am well aware that I may never get married or fall in love again. That doesn't mean I can't foster ;) ))

Mental health is another huge why. I'm currently off all anxiety and Anti-Depressants. Its a scary feeling knowing that at any moment I could just freak out. I hardly got out of bed this weekend and spent the majority of it trying to force myself to get out of bed. This morning at work I threw my phone clear across the room in front of everyone in a fit of rage, which wasn't the wisest but thankfully its been okay for the most part. I can slowly feel my self isolating again but maybe that's what I need right now. To be alone.  I'm just letting God handle it. I usually roll my eyes when people use that term, I gave it to God, but I did. Now I'm just taking it one day at a time, sometimes minutes at a time.  It is also shocking to feel again. The good and the bad, I'm feeling it. I cried at a movie, and laughed out loud at a book. Its interesting how sometimes to shut down the bad, the medicines strip away the good.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression?sub=2548031_1543709

Finances- I blow all my money on food. It's very simple. Food is my friend and food costs money.

I need to pay for my trip to Chicago for my Uncles Wedding next month. I also need to look nice,and if I keep succeeding I will need a new dress or two in smaller sizes :) 

Also I'm going to Sydney in October come hail or high water. 

not to mention bills and general adult crap like debt. ;) 

but mostly sydney, finances must be in order so I can go back.

Last but not least relationships. Not that I have a few different boyfriends, I don't have any :( I'm talking about true friendships. I once read, heard, or saw something that basically said be the friendyou need. I want to genuallu pray for and encourage my friends. I want to not be so wrapped up in my depression issues not to be available when they need me. I want to love them as Christ loves me. I want to take into account what it means to be brothers and sisters in Christ. God gave me a big emotional heart(and everything else) and I need to use that love and mercy I feel. Now hide it away because saying you were on my heart today makes me sound like a weirdo.

So there you have it.

 My "whys"

If you read my blog often you may be waiting for a weightloss update. If not your welcome to start :)

16.4 lbs down in May.

Love notes- Hey You

Our bible study was going through a book called "Love Notes." The author wrote letters to his wife before he met her and now he has a book.....

I've been challenged throughout my life to write my future husband (if I have one) by my mom, friends, books and more. I do it more than you'd think, So tonight I decided to share.

Hey you,
I'm currently sitting in chilis alone. An hour ago I was wailing in my bathroom floor for no real reason besides me having a bad day, sick of being alone, and the fact that I lost that tight grip I've had on my emotions lately. I also caught a glimpse of my ugly cry face in the mirror and that's just not healthy. As you've read so many times before I pray you never see that side of me. The crazy warewolf side who is always on edge and out of control. Sadly if your reading this you will know that this is not a dream that will come true.

I have a big drs appointment tomorrow. Nothing that life altering but, my current blood pressure issues are much worse than I'd like to think. The stress of trying to keep my anxiety and stress down while completely changing the way I eat and live is exhausting. I have a feeling this is why I've been so crazy, and beyond lonely this week. Complete fear. Maybe that's why I'm in a restaurant alone writing you at the moment, I can't get much more pathetic.

I did however loose 7 lbs, get a spray tan and go to Brandon's wedding alone this week so that deserves something.

In less depression news. I'm singing a really hard/High song on Sunday. By now you have most likely heard my range from the good, the bad and ugly but you know how hard it is for me. I'm just so excited that by letting go of some inhibitions God is allowing me to grow in my gift. I'm still not sure is I believe "correctly" about woman worship leaders but I'm reading a book that is really helpful. Christy Knockles has written come of it and we all know how much I loooove her. As long as I pretend I'm singing in the car to God I think I might just be okay. Once upon a time I wished that my voice was what you fell in love with long before me. Is that weird.
Yeah I thought so too.

Did you ever had bad days like this?Weeks? Years? Did you ever eat alone and wonder what it would be like not to have to. ( Sundays are my worst) To always have someone to come home to? To sing with? To travel with? To laugh and cry with?
Or in my case cry and cry with.

I can feel God pursuing me for something greater yet somehow I keep pushing Him away. I hope I don't do the same with you..... How can I allow a man to pursue me when I have a hard time with my Creator loving me and showing me He cares. I mean God is the one who created my ugly cry. He sees it way more than most.
Of course you have never ever seen that ugly cry face, cause I'm Sarah and I have my emotions under control.

Except for tonight, yesterday, the day before that, and most likely tomorrow.

I'm so ready to meet you, or if I already know you... Well you know what I mean.
I never know how to end these.
By now you know I'm a total goofball though so

Love,
Me

Health Slap

I've been praying for God to break me down and rebuild me into a person He can use. Then I got what I've been asking for. A good ol God slap.


.........


This week has been crazy. Actually the past few weeks have been crazy and I just didn't realise how overwhelmed I was getting. Yall know me, I think I'm superwoman until one day I can't get out of bed.

After some issues at work I finally had enough and took the day off Monday and went to the Dr. Only to hear what I've known and ran from for years.

My fat is affecting my health. Big time.
Like Stage two hypertension, my eyes are going bad, my kidneys aren't functioning properly, the ever ongoing my ovaries hate me issues, and anemia so bad we are hoping to avoid a blood transfusion.


Now some of you are like stop that, don't put your self down, God made you blah, blah blah or the other half of you are like yup, we've been telling her that for years.

This is serious and I need to take it seriously. I've never actually had a medical professional say if you don't change you will no doubt have a heart attack or stroke by the time your 30. But only I can make these changes. I've written so so so so many of these posts through out the years, and even more this year.

Sadly none of this happened over night, which means I can't undo the damage over night. I currently cant exercise or do anything strenuous until I meet with another Dr. regarding my blood pressure.


I'm well into day 3 of wheat free and I'm tired and hungry and cranky and my stomach is jacked. I guess this means its working ;)



I also think I will be taking some time away from facebook. I really want to write and blog more but facebook seems to take over my free time. Like I sit down to write, then an hour later I finally caught up on everything that has happened that day. Don't get me wrong I love love love being connected but I can feel my self withdrawing from real people and not having time for real life conversations or phone calls because I'm stuck on facebook. Maybe I'll take a break, maybe I won't. I still need to use it for work, church groups and even to post my blogs. Just please dont be offended if I dont see your status or what not, its not personal ;)
 I do know I will be blogging more and of course instagram ( a girls gotta have her selfies) maybe one day I'll have a selfie collage of my shrinking chins  ;)

So with that I'll leave you with pictures.

I did a random 5k at the beginning of the month.
This will be my before picture, cause it cant get much worse than this!

I "worked" the Grove kids booth for a festival.
Really I just made fun headbands with pipe cleaners.

 Sydney is in the distance. The thought of one day seeing this in person makes things better.
photo cred- Jared

My heart was all over the place today

My heart was all over the place today.

It was on babies and families and precious dresses and bow ties. It was on how much I long for a husband and kiddos of my own to bring to church and hunt eggs with. To make Sunday dinner with to laugh and cry with. To create traditions and memories with. It was with the single mom who brought her kids to church today not knowing where to go or how many cups of coffee she could have. It was with the husband who didn't want to be there but his wife dragged him anyways, it was with the broken and the lost. It was with the people worrying about how they looked and if their dress was too tight. It was with the people who didn't know the words and the folks wanting to worship freely like me. It was with the nursery workers who never get to be in service. It was with the boys in Oregon, and their mother who I should have begged harder to come today. It was with all the kids who have never had a visit from the Easter  bunny, or an Easter dress, for the unnamed, unloved, hungry and hurting. For the children in orphanages and foster homes who just need love. For the people battling with depression who find holidays lonely and harder than other days, mostly for the ones who didn't get out of bed today. 

I did. 

I had to, it's Easter. 

Since I had no one to take a cute Easter pic with..... Ladies: Casey is single.

Not today emotions.

Some days are harder than others to pretend I'm doing okay without the boys.

Yesterday for example was good. Despite my horrible migraine, then the Curing of the migraine with a bagel, which is carbs which I have done relatively good at scaling back on. 

I went to a new bible study, even got to joke around and really felt like Sarah again.

I have this calandra of days where I feel like myself and I was just so expectant for today.

Funny how satan knew that. Cause today is winning.

In the middle of my an argument with my employer I get a text from a Sweet friend who had pictures of them from a night she kept them. And I lost it.

Full on just went to my car and wailed at God for some peace and understanding. I'm beyond the point of asking Him why or even for them back. I just want some Philippians 4:7 peace (And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) I want to be able to function and not miss them every day, or hour, I want to know 100% that God has them and they are fed, clothed, loved and cared for. 

Like I'm fine if God is closing this this chapter in my life but geeze...... Not today emotions. Those need to stay tucked away until I have the proper time to deal with them.

 

Do it for Bill and update on the boys...

I don't know how many times I've written "this" blog. You know the one about being at rock bottom and needed to get my crap together.

The boys are gone, they are with their mother, CPS is handling it the only way they can, the police were there, it was ugly and horrible and I never ever ever want to go through it again.  Sunday at lunch our pastors 5yr old asked where they were and if he'd ever see them again....

I made the same decision I've made for the past 2 weeks. 

Detach, don't think about it, don't feel.....and lie, through my teeth lie.

So when you ask me how I am doing or if I'm okay. I'm not, I'm lying with the hopes that one day I will be.

( I know many if you have a slew of supportive prayers, messages, thoughts and comments right here, I know I could see them tomorrow because God is in control...... But in order for me to function I need to live in worse case scenario land so I can't deal)

So all that to say, 

Guess what I've been doing????

That's right!!!

EATING MY FEELINGS!!!!

God somehow used this horrible time in my life to make my close friends "grow a pair" and on separate occasions be brutally honest about my weight.

The "you know we love you but you have to stop" or " I'm only saying this because I love you." Luckily for me (them) I have zero fight left in me at the moment so I didn't go on the verbal defense . One of these was a friend who I've known since we were 11, she has loved me through all of my ever changing weight cycles and knew me before I was fat, and has never once mentioned it in a negative way growing up and She still hasn't. She leads the "you are beautiful just the way your are"charge....

But she is preggo and through a series of conversations and jokes she said well " do it for bill"

She was right.

If I'm honest with myself and others, I'll most likely never loose weight for "myself." 

I didn't do it for a boy, didn't do it for Ivan and Marcus, not for Australia, not for my health, nothing has made me want to do it really.

Until she mentioned Bill and I really started thinking about about babies, how much I long to be a mother, Ivan and Marcus, and how I really can't adopt or have babies if I too fat to even breath. How we have been friends for so long and there is a baby. And maybe.....just maybe if I get my crap together and health in order I might have (foster,adopt,birth) a "Bill" of my own

But until then I'm attempting to not be selfish, fat, lazy, un motivated and "Do It for Bill"

Is this why I suffer from Depression?

I wrote this the other night in the hospital waiting on them to transfer Marcus. I was too emotional to function or pray properly so I thought maybe writing would help. This isn't well written nor was it ever meant to be seen but there is something to be said about how my mind works when in these situations. Things I can't articulate on the normal day to day. So I figured I'd post it anyways. Oh and of course pictures from our crazy crazy week.


Is this why I suffer from depression?

Do you allow me to feel the pit of despair so that I can crawl down to the bottom of a scary hole with these kids?

do I suffer so that when "I say honey I know how you feel they will know I mean it"?

Is this why my family suffers so that we can stand united (and medicated) to make sure these kids get the help they need? Because half of us have been there?

Did we all have to suffer from mental illness so that they know how the boys and I feel?

Is this why I suffer from mental illness?

Have you allowed me to feel such pain and loss by not having kids yet so that I can give them my everything?

Is this why Stephanie lost the love of her life so that we could both be so broken yet so available to love and care for these kids?

Is the why you haven't healed me? So that I can relate and explain to a terrified 9 year old boy that yes the shot is scary but it will make him feel better?

Is this why you let me go up and down on emotional roller coasters everyday so I will know how to navigate what is happening like its nothin new. Because of course bad things keep happening with my little black rain cloud.

God, everyone keeps telling me to tell the boys to pray and let You comfort them when they are scared yet how do you explain to children that yes You are there but were also there while they were battered, neglected and abused. I'm not mad at you. Sin happens. Sin sucks but at least give me the strength to not scream at these people when they start in on those things. I just want to say well how about you come tell him to pray about it while you get bit, punched, kicked, and your hair pulled. Cause it totally works that way and Stephanie and I really love getting beat up by these kids, our bruises make for great conversation starters.
Is this why you've let me be abnormally calm so that I keep thoughts and feelings like those to myself since we both know my mouth gets me in trouble...

 Is this why I know what it's like to be that out of control?

Is all of this why I suffer from mental illness ?
Cause if so I guess I should say thank you.

But seriously if we are going to keep the craziness coming I need a vacation, preferably in Australia.

Dream Big

I was talking with Arja today about happiness, hopes and dreams. She sounded to shocked to hear that I didn’t really have any. Well besides going back to visit Sydney just to visit because that is my ultimate “Happy Place” She was like there isn't anything stirring in your soul? Something that God has put on your heart?

Sadly my answer was not really. Still- I've been praying for God to stir something, anything really,

Then she asked me about the future and I said no, I just want to be a mom. 

As I sit here typing I realize that what I am doing right now with Ivan and Marcus may be him answering all of my " Lord I just want babies to love" prayers

Is this what depression has done to me? Take away my ability to dream big?

Maybe I've just gotten so caught up in life that I really have forgotten all about hopes and dreams. 

I used to be a dreamer- big time.  One of my favorites being to sing on stage with Garth Brooks and Sally Bear- yeah my love for Garth has lasted more than 25 years...

Maybe I'll try it again. Can you make yourself dream?

Do you have a dream?

6'2 and the Future

My friend sent me this song the other day. She was like hey, this song reminded me of you. I immediately listened to it and so so wished I was a song writer. I cried a bit too, it was comforting to hear someone else feel the same way I do sometimes. Plus we all know 4th of July is my favorite holiday.

Its no secret this week has been rough. All I have wanted is a hug. A hug from someone that would make the pain and crazyness with the kids and life just a little better. To get lost for a few seconds and feel like everything will be alright and I'm not quite alone.

I joke about it often but I currently have everything I ever wanted. A house and kids. That's all I have really wanted for the past 7 or so years, a family, babies to love and cook dinner for. Sadly I never thought it wouldn't be with my husband. I'm by no means complaining i just think its funny.

Last night at 3 am while angry I only dreamed about laundry, I listened to this song again. I wondered if my future husband was somewhere feeling the same way. I mean I know guys don't sit around writing sappy love songs about not caring about their wifes looks. It just really got me thinking...

Do I really not care what my husband looks like?
Do I want to let the Lord take His sweet sweet time?
Am I in such a rush to get married, I don't care what I look like?  cause really I want to be a wife someone is proud of.
Do I really want to be the best version of me possible before I meet him ( if I haven't already)?
Will I really wait for the person I know God has or will I settle for the first person who says I love you again?
Have I delt with my monsters?  Has He? Do I want him to now or later? 
Would I rather wait for the man God is shaping or do I just want it now?
Do I want him to be stable? Will I ever be stable enough for a marraige? 
Will he want to travel? do I want to travel or have babies more?
Will he be willing to try for biological freckle faced babies? am I? 
Will I be able to handle the pain and loss that is bound to come with that?
Which led me into a downward spiral questions about adoptions, depression and all that comes with the fact that I forever have a label preventing many agencies from letting me adopt...
I finally drifted off to sleep somewhere around thinking about parenting issues and what if we punish differently....

This morning I realized that I can only answer one of those questions...
YES- I want the Lord to take his sweet sweet time.

So until then I will listen to this song and John Mayers Love song for No one and wish I were a songwriter.

I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.

I woke up three times last night with such anxiety and fear that something would happen to these boys I've grown to love so much. I then started thinking of how God must have felt letting his son die on a cross for you and me and Abraham about to sacrifice Issac.

 No way dude..... No possible way.

I can hardly think about letting the boys go visit their mom without my stomach flipping and turning in knots. I can't imagine what Steph is going through (we don't really talk about it because if we break down we might not stop). and they aren't even our kids.

I hate hate hate being vague but basically if push comes to shove we have to let them go back. Yes we are working with CPS, Yes the proper folks have been notified, No there is nothing we can do, its just how the system works.

I know I should take comfort in the fact that God has them, but guess what? Bad things still happen and thats the part that terrifies me. Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging and I fully believe that God has this 100 % yet sometimes I just want to say hellllllo. We live in the real world and the real world stinks.

When I was little I thought I'd be the best fat actress on Broadway, then I thought I was going to go to A&M marry a farmer, work in poultry and be a wifey, later I thought I'd live in austin and be a mom, lose 100 lbs and teach music to inner city crazies, then I thought maybe I could be a ministers wife, then I thought who needs a man and moved to Australia in which I thought I'd lose 100 lbs and live happily ever after serving my heart out at a mega church, without babies because by this time its 99 % sure I wont be having them naturally. Then I've spent the past 3 years trying not to let myself dream or think and avoid disappointment/hurt at all cost.

 I was fine. I was fine being alone and just living day to day with no real dreams besides good food and visiting Sydney again. I blocked off my heart and was fine. I got to hide behind my food and depression and I thought if I hid there long enough then I wouldn't have love again, which means I wouldn't have to hurt or be disappointed. 

Then God got sick of my crap and SHOVED these two kids in my life and now my heart is bare and open to hurt again and it sucks stinks in the best possible way. 

and I'm scared. 

Nothing may happen. It may be fine,  we may have prayed our way out of custody issues  and this weekends visit will go swimmingly. Or it may not,  we may be preparing for a battle that without God we not strong enough to go through alone.

Being a grown up stinks and is wonderful all at the same time, but weeks like this I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.

 

I want to break some toys.

I have wanted to break something all weekend. I keep having awful visions of me snapping Nerf guns in half. Stephanie and I are worn out. These kids don't understand the value of anything, cars, toys, legos, cell phones even if they are broken , Popsicles, even down to wasting rather expensive gluten free bread. They just don't get it. All of the things in our house have value and cost money, even the wall just just kicked through or the door you destroyed with your nails.

During a fit this weekend I said ya know, every time you intentionally destroy something of ours I'll do the same to you, all the while hoping I would get the change to snap a toy in half with my awesome sarah hulk power. About 3 this morning I realized how horrible I sounded....

I'm so so thankful that God does not have the same bad attitude parenting that I did this weekend. He loves me no matter what. Sure I can sabotage God given relationships, break jobs and opportunities, abuse my body, and not “play” with the gifts hes given me. Thankfully He is still there though. If I throw a fit and say “GOD I'M NEVER SINGING AGAIN” he doesn’t take that away from me. I can scream about how much I hate something, or whine about how much I don't want to do that chore.... yet he is still right there listening and loving me with all the patience in the world.

The Lord is slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression...

Numbers 14:18

Stephanie and I aren't the ones who can calm these boys down, we can't “fix it”, or take their pain away.... All we can do is love them like Jesus loves us and pray we make a difference.

All that being said... we need prayer.
This weekend was rough.

Wants and needs for 2014

 

This isn't what I thought my life would be like in 2014. Up way too early on a Saturday morning worried about kids because I couldn't see them on their bikes. Plus I spent last night with six 9-12 year old boys in my living room.

Who am I and what happened to Sarah?

I've always been a firm believer that Gods ways are so much greater than my ways. That He knows what he is doing way more than me. Lately though I've started to question.

Maybe its the start of the new year and thinking about change and such....

I want to travel.

I want to become a really awesome cook.

I want to go to my last 7 out of the 50 states before I'm 30.

I want to backpack through Europe.

I want to go on a cruise again.

I want to swim in every ocean.

I want to fall in love.

I want to own a house/farm/condo/flat- I want to own something

I want to see the world and make a difference in others lives.

I need to lose 100 lbs and go back to AUS ( yes in that order)

I need to get my mental health in order.

I need to pay off debt.

I need to buy a reliable car.

I need to finish a half marathon.

I need to be healthy
I need to get a degree.

I need to help with these boys.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.

Instead of a New Years Resolution that I will most likely fail I'm going to jump on the one word for 2014 band wagon.

 LIVE.

This year I'm not going to let my depression/satan stop me from living.