Saturday, December 14, 2013


I guess I’ve put this off for far too long, since some of you are highly confused about what is happening in my life.
1.       My friend Stephanie and I moved into a super awesome rent house.

2.       She/we (mostly she) is now power of attorney and caregiver of these two boys.  Yes everything is legal and we are working closely with CPS to make sure these two have the best possible life. With or without us.

Marcus, 9 and Ivan, 10 have become my joy. They get me out of bed, the make me go to work, make me play, learn, and grow.  I never ever thought that I would let them weasel their way into my heart the way they did. Its killer. They are my kids too now, no matter what. I have  GET to be at every baseball game, piano recital, break dance, sword fight, weird minecraft discussion and graduation for as long as I'm able, though that fact terrifies me deep down it makes my heart smile.

Being a parent is hard. Becoming a parent mostly overnight is wack. This hasn’t been easy for me, or Stephanie. These boys have not had the best upbringing and we are learning it’s hard (impossible) to reverse 10 years of damage. I’m thankful for my depression at the moment because It allows me to get on their level and let them know I know how they feel when they are out of control and lock them self in a closet or a corner. I’m thankful I’m a fatty cause these boys can eat me under the table… I have no idea where they put it.  Part of me thinks they are still in the “not knowing when their next meal is” mind frame. With my depression being as bad as it is sometimes I just can’t be as active or involved as I want to me. 

That is gradually getting better ( praise Jesus). The boys saw me head bang and play air guitar on the couch the other day and said woah you really are fun. I cried myself to sleep that night, praying that God would just teach me to be a better mom. Just slap me in the face with mom skills and the ability to be gentle and caring. Sarah used to be sweet. She used to be FUN. She used to love children and playing and laughter. I can't find that sarah right now... I know she's there because she jumped on the couch and head banged. She gave piggy back rides and tickled. Depression has hidden that Sarah from me.... but these boys are forcing her out.

I’m so so so so so so SO thankful for the friends and family that Stephanie and I have. We cannot do it without them/ you. From the financial help, feeding them, playing,  wresting, reading, feeding us ;), making sure they have the best Christmas possible, letting me take a nap and just praying and supporting us. 

Thank you for letting our boys into your hearts. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The gym scares me.

I'm hiding in the locker rooms at the gym. Every treadmill is full and it's 85 degrees in this place. How do you tell your friend that you can't breath and your not just being lazy but you CANT deal with all the people. Not today. Not this week.  I was like I'll just go walk outside around the building for an hour while your in here yet I got upset because I just can't be normal. It's bad enough that I just can't run. I can jog a bit but I'm just too heavy to run. 

So why am I putting myself through this torture? Because somewhere there is a little fat girl who is terrified of the people at the gym, suffering from depression and anxiety trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she can have a 13.1 sticker on her car no matter how "fat" she is.

Did you know?
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States (18% of U.S. population).
1.8 million people finished 13.1 miles last year.

It should comfort me to know that 40 million people feel the same way I do .

I'll try again tomorrow.

What if we treated every illness the way we treat mental ones....

My social media postings will most likely get me in big big trouble and have already caused riffs because of my oh so brutal honesty but whatevs, I think these are funny.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Grocery store fun

Sometimes I wish it were socially acceptable for me kick and scream and holler just because.... I mean I hate the grocery store as much as anyone but no one wants to see a fat girl crying on aisle 4 cause she can't push the basket. 

I was that person today in the store. The one I hate who just lets their child hit things and people and not say excuse me as they run on an 86 year old mans Velcro shoes. The one who is like why yes ma'am they can have a sample or 8 because I'm broke and they have eaten a hole box of cereal for a snack....That parent who knows their kid is roaring 5 aisles over but to busy on her hunt for breadcrumbs to bother going back. 

I forced the boys to come with me to the store to instead of play outside as a semi punishment or consequence
Jokes on me.