Sunday, April 20, 2014

My heart was all over the place today

My heart was all over the place today.

It was on babies and families and precious dresses and bow ties. It was on how much I long for a husband and kiddos of my own to bring to church and hunt eggs with. To make Sunday dinner with to laugh and cry with. To create traditions and memories with. It was with the single mom who brought her kids to church today not knowing where to go or how many cups of coffee she could have. It was with the husband who didn't want to be there but his wife dragged him anyways, it was with the broken and the lost. It was with the people worrying about how they looked and if their dress was too tight. It was with the people who didn't know the words and the folks wanting to worship freely like me. It was with the nursery workers who never get to be in service. It was with the boys in Oregon, and their mother who I should have begged harder to come today. It was with all the kids who have never had a visit from the Easter  bunny, or an Easter dress, for the unnamed, unloved, hungry and hurting. For the children in orphanages and foster homes who just need love. For the people battling with depression who find holidays lonely and harder than other days, mostly for the ones who didn't get out of bed today. 
I did. 
I had to, it's Easter. 

Since I had no one to take a cute Easter pic with..... Ladies: Casey is single.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Not today emotions.

Some days are harder than others to pretend I'm doing okay without the boys.

Yesterday for example was good. Despite my horrible migraine, then the Curing of the migraine with a bagel, which is carbs which I have done relatively good at scaling back on. 
I went to a new bible study, even got to joke around and really felt like Sarah again.
I have this calandra of days where I feel like myself and I was just so expectant for today.

Funny how satan knew that. Cause today is winning.

In the middle of my an argument with my employer I get a text from a Sweet friend who had pictures of them from a night she kept them. And I lost it.

Full on just went to my car and wailed at God for some peace and understanding. I'm beyond the point of asking Him why or even for them back. I just want some Philippians 4:7 peace (And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) I want to be able to function and not miss them every day, or hour, I want to know 100% that God has them and they are fed, clothed, loved and cared for. 

Like I'm fine if God is closing this this chapter in my life but geeze...... Not today emotions. Those need to stay tucked away until I have the proper time to deal with them.


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Do it for Bill and update on the boys...

I don't know how many times I've written "this" blog. You know the one about being at rock bottom and needed to get my crap together.

The boys are gone, they are with their mother, CPS is handling it the only way they can, the police were there, it was ugly and horrible and I never ever ever want to go through it again.  Sunday at lunch our pastors 5yr old asked where they were and if he'd ever see them again....
I made the same decision I've made for the past 2 weeks. 
Detach, don't think about it, don't feel.....and lie, through my teeth lie.

So when you ask me how I am doing or if I'm okay. I'm not, I'm lying with the hopes that one day I will be.

( I know many if you have a slew of supportive prayers, messages, thoughts and comments right here, I know I could see them tomorrow because God is in control...... But in order for me to function I need to live in worse case scenario land so I can't deal)

So all that to say, 
Guess what I've been doing????

That's right!!!


God somehow used this horrible time in my life to make my close friends "grow a pair" and on separate occasions be brutally honest about my weight.
The "you know we love you but you have to stop" or " I'm only saying this because I love you." Luckily for me (them) I have zero fight left in me at the moment so I didn't go on the verbal defense . One of these was a friend who I've known since we were 11, she has loved me through all of my ever changing weight cycles and knew me before I was fat, and has never once mentioned it in a negative way growing up and She still hasn't. She leads the "you are beautiful just the way your are"charge....
But she is preggo and through a series of conversations and jokes she said well " do it for bill"

She was right.

If I'm honest with myself and others, I'll most likely never loose weight for "myself." 
I didn't do it for a boy, didn't do it for Ivan and Marcus, not for Australia, not for my health, nothing has made me want to do it really.

Until she mentioned Bill and I really started thinking about about babies, how much I long to be a mother, Ivan and Marcus, and how I really can't adopt or have babies if I too fat to even breath. How we have been friends for so long and there is a baby. And maybe.....just maybe if I get my crap together and health in order I might have (foster,adopt,birth) a "Bill" of my own

But until then I'm attempting to not be selfish, fat, lazy, un motivated and "Do It for Bill"

Monday, March 3, 2014

Is this why I suffer from Depression?

I wrote this the other night in the hospital waiting on them to transfer Marcus. I was too emotional to function or pray properly so I thought maybe writing would help. This isn't well written nor was it ever meant to be seen but there is something to be said about how my mind works when in these situations. Things I can't articulate on the normal day to day. So I figured I'd post it anyways. Oh and of course pictures from our crazy crazy week.

Is this why I suffer from depression?

Do you allow me to feel the pit of despair so that I can crawl down to the bottom of a scary hole with these kids?

do I suffer so that when "I say honey I know how you feel they will know I mean it"?

Is this why my family suffers so that we can stand united (and medicated) to make sure these kids get the help they need? Because half of us have been there?

Did we all have to suffer from mental illness so that they know how the boys and I feel?

Is this why I suffer from mental illness?

Have you allowed me to feel such pain and loss by not having kids yet so that I can give them my everything?

Is this why Stephanie lost the love of her life so that we could both be so broken yet so available to love and care for these kids?

Is the why you haven't healed me? So that I can relate and explain to a terrified 9 year old boy that yes the shot is scary but it will make him feel better?

Is this why you let me go up and down on emotional roller coasters everyday so I will know how to navigate what is happening like its nothin new. Because of course bad things keep happening with my little black rain cloud.

God, everyone keeps telling me to tell the boys to pray and let You comfort them when they are scared yet how do you explain to children that yes You are there but were also there while they were battered, neglected and abused. I'm not mad at you. Sin happens. Sin sucks but at least give me the strength to not scream at these people when they start in on those things. I just want to say well how about you come tell him to pray about it while you get bit, punched, kicked, and your hair pulled. Cause it totally works that way and Stephanie and I really love getting beat up by these kids, our bruises make for great conversation starters.
Is this why you've let me be abnormally calm so that I keep thoughts and feelings like those to myself since we both know my mouth gets me in trouble...

 Is this why I know what it's like to be that out of control?

Is all of this why I suffer from mental illness ?
Cause if so I guess I should say thank you.

But seriously if we are going to keep the craziness coming I need a vacation, preferably in Australia.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dream Big

I was talking with Arja today about happiness, hopes and dreams. She sounded to shocked to hear that I didn’t really have any. Well besides going back to visit Sydney just to visit because that is my ultimate “Happy Place” She was like there isn't anything stirring in your soul? Something that God has put on your heart?

Sadly my answer was not really. Still- I've been praying for God to stir something, anything really,

Then she asked me about the future and I said no, I just want to be a mom. 
As I sit here typing I realize that what I am doing right now with Ivan and Marcus may be him answering all of my " Lord I just want babies to love" prayers

Is this what depression has done to me? Take away my ability to dream big?

Maybe I've just gotten so caught up in life that I really have forgotten all about hopes and dreams. 

I used to be a dreamer- big time.  One of my favorites being to sing on stage with Garth Brooks and Sally Bear- yeah my love for Garth has lasted more than 25 years...

Maybe I'll try it again. Can you make yourself dream?

Do you have a dream?

Friday, January 31, 2014

6'2 and the Future

My friend sent me this song the other day. She was like hey, this song reminded me of you. I immediately listened to it and so so wished I was a song writer. I cried a bit too, it was comforting to hear someone else feel the same way I do sometimes. Plus we all know 4th of July is my favorite holiday.

Its no secret this week has been rough. All I have wanted is a hug. A hug from someone that would make the pain and crazyness with the kids and life just a little better. To get lost for a few seconds and feel like everything will be alright and I'm not quite alone.

I joke about it often but I currently have everything I ever wanted. A house and kids. That's all I have really wanted for the past 7 or so years, a family, babies to love and cook dinner for. Sadly I never thought it wouldn't be with my husband. I'm by no means complaining i just think its funny.

Last night at 3 am while angry I only dreamed about laundry, I listened to this song again. I wondered if my future husband was somewhere feeling the same way. I mean I know guys don't sit around writing sappy love songs about not caring about their wifes looks. It just really got me thinking...

Do I really not care what my husband looks like?
Do I want to let the Lord take His sweet sweet time?
Am I in such a rush to get married, I don't care what I look like?  cause really I want to be a wife someone is proud of.
Do I really want to be the best version of me possible before I meet him ( if I haven't already)?
Will I really wait for the person I know God has or will I settle for the first person who says I love you again?
Have I delt with my monsters?  Has He? Do I want him to now or later? 
Would I rather wait for the man God is shaping or do I just want it now?
Do I want him to be stable? Will I ever be stable enough for a marraige? 
Will he want to travel? do I want to travel or have babies more?
Will he be willing to try for biological freckle faced babies? am I? 
Will I be able to handle the pain and loss that is bound to come with that?
Which led me into a downward spiral questions about adoptions, depression and all that comes with the fact that I forever have a label preventing many agencies from letting me adopt...
I finally drifted off to sleep somewhere around thinking about parenting issues and what if we punish differently....

This morning I realized that I can only answer one of those questions...
YES- I want the Lord to take his sweet sweet time.

So until then I will listen to this song and John Mayers Love song for No one and wish I were a songwriter.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.

I woke up three times last night with such anxiety and fear that something would happen to these boys I've grown to love so much. I then started thinking of how God must have felt letting his son die on a cross for you and me and Abraham about to sacrifice Issac.

 No way dude..... No possible way.

I can hardly think about letting the boys go visit their mom without my stomach flipping and turning in knots. I can't imagine what Steph is going through (we don't really talk about it because if we break down we might not stop). and they aren't even our kids.

I hate hate hate being vague but basically if push comes to shove we have to let them go back. Yes we are working with CPS, Yes the proper folks have been notified, No there is nothing we can do, its just how the system works.

I know I should take comfort in the fact that God has them, but guess what? Bad things still happen and thats the part that terrifies me. Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging and I fully believe that God has this 100 % yet sometimes I just want to say hellllllo. We live in the real world and the real world stinks.

When I was little I thought I'd be the best fat actress on Broadway, then I thought I was going to go to A&M marry a farmer, work in poultry and be a wifey, later I thought I'd live in austin and be a mom, lose 100 lbs and teach music to inner city crazies, then I thought maybe I could be a ministers wife, then I thought who needs a man and moved to Australia in which I thought I'd lose 100 lbs and live happily ever after serving my heart out at a mega church, without babies because by this time its 99 % sure I wont be having them naturally. Then I've spent the past 3 years trying not to let myself dream or think and avoid disappointment/hurt at all cost.

 I was fine. I was fine being alone and just living day to day with no real dreams besides good food and visiting Sydney again. I blocked off my heart and was fine. I got to hide behind my food and depression and I thought if I hid there long enough then I wouldn't have love again, which means I wouldn't have to hurt or be disappointed. 

Then God got sick of my crap and SHOVED these two kids in my life and now my heart is bare and open to hurt again and it sucks stinks in the best possible way. 

and I'm scared. 

Nothing may happen. It may be fine,  we may have prayed our way out of custody issues  and this weekends visit will go swimmingly. Or it may not,  we may be preparing for a battle that without God we not strong enough to go through alone.

Being a grown up stinks and is wonderful all at the same time, but weeks like this I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.