I wrote this the other night in the hospital waiting on them to transfer Marcus. I was too emotional to function or pray properly so I thought maybe writing would help. This isn't well written nor was it ever meant to be seen but there is something to be said about how my mind works when in these situations. Things I can't articulate on the normal day to day. So I figured I'd post it anyways. Oh and of course pictures from our crazy crazy week.
Is this why I suffer from depression?
Do you allow me to feel the pit of despair so that I can crawl down to the bottom of a scary hole with these kids?
do I suffer so that when "I say honey I know how you feel they will know I mean it"?
Is this why my family suffers so that we can stand united (and medicated) to make sure these kids get the help they need? Because half of us have been there?
Did we all have to suffer from mental illness so that they know how the boys and I feel?
Is this why I suffer from mental illness?
Have you allowed me to feel such pain and loss by not having kids yet so that I can give them my everything?
Is this why Stephanie lost the love of her life so that we could both be so broken yet so available to love and care for these kids?
Is the why you haven't healed me? So that I can relate and explain to a terrified 9 year old boy that yes the shot is scary but it will make him feel better?
Is this why you let me go up and down on emotional roller coasters everyday so I will know how to navigate what is happening like its nothin new. Because of course bad things keep happening with my little black rain cloud.
God, everyone keeps telling me to tell the boys to pray and let You comfort them when they are scared yet how do you explain to children that yes You are there but were also there while they were battered, neglected and abused. I'm not mad at you. Sin happens. Sin sucks but at least give me the strength to not scream at these people when they start in on those things. I just want to say well how about you come tell him to pray about it while you get bit, punched, kicked, and your hair pulled. Cause it totally works that way and Stephanie and I really love getting beat up by these kids, our bruises make for great conversation starters.
Is this why you've let me be abnormally calm so that I keep thoughts and feelings like those to myself since we both know my mouth gets me in trouble...
Is this why I know what it's like to be that out of control?
Is all of this why I suffer from mental illness ?
Cause if so I guess I should say thank you.
But seriously if we are going to keep the craziness coming I need a vacation, preferably in Australia.