Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Oops I forgot my meds ( sung to the tune of oops I did it again)

As much as the weather kills me here for a few days last week I forgot about my depression. It may have been raining but my little black rain cloud was the furthest from my mind. So much so I forgot my meds. I'm not sure how many days and I'm not sure I want to know. I was up up way up most of the night and sleep was just not happening. I knew. The meds. I moved to the living room so I didn't bother my mom with my sobs because I knew the roller coaster that was coming. 
I fell asleep again for a few hours and when I awoke it was back. The sinking feeling in my head, the despair, and the rain. All before opening my eyes I knew today and a few following are going to be rough.

I should be celebrating the bible study I went to last night was great. I even felt comfortable, I'm thankful I've found a church here and can even get past the 60+ min sermons because I know God has called me there. Not to mention the wonderful co workers I'm around today. We had such a fun outing this weekend and I'm just so so thankful I work here.

All I want is to be around my church family and friends who know me, know my illness, my moods and can hold me while I cry. It's so so hard for me to meet people and be open. It's exhausting pretending to have it together!

At the same time I see a light at the end of this tunnel because in all reality I'm thankful I had enough "good" days in a row I forgot the meds.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

dreams, half marathons, and more

When I was little I wanted to be on broadway, be in the WNBA, a vet, and back on broadway. I loved to sing and dance and was surrounded by people (mostly family) telling me that I could actually do it. I could dream big and be whatever I wanted to be. Deep down I knew they didnt really believe that and I would never be on broadway. Same for the WNBA. I always thought I was too fat and not good enough to do any of those things. But my family still kept on the  you can be anything in the world mindset. A teacher put the nail in the broadway coffin once by saying " there are enough fat actresses on Broadway, you should stick to ag where you belong" so I did. I gave up, and dropped out of drama. Much to my surprise I won state in that year (they didnt), in multiple FFA team events, and somehow was the best poultry judger in the state. If you know me now you most likely know that story, because I'm proud of it........ because I did it. Me... miss too fat and not good enough won.
I am still so so proud.
Same goes with my finishing my 4 5ks... I finished. I'm proud. I did that. me. 100 lbs over weight, un healthy, depressed me. Finished 4 races. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that Sarah.

I'm reading a book called "Lets All Be Brave", there is a chapter called just start, how God made you for a purpose and sometimes you just have to start, even if you think you'll fail.

I decided it was time to go back to my half marathon training. I started looking online and realized that the Seattle Half Marathon is at the end of November. I jumped out of bed and ran in the other room to my mother to ask if she though I could do it.
She said no.

I then retreated back to my room and texted a friend to see if he thought I could do it... he didn't say no, but he nicely said he didn't think it was the best idea.

I got mad, then hurt, then cried a few moments and thought oh well. I proceeded to convince myself I couldn't do it anyways.

Until today.
Today  I started reading "Lets All Be Brave" again. I finished the chapter and then walked 3.5 miles.... Day one of my 8 week half marathon training.
I talked to mom about it again at dinner and we agreed that I would start training and as it got closer go to the dr to make sure im healthy enough... turns out she wasnt really meaning to be a dream crusher, its just how it came out. I said "you think i can do this?" she said "no." end of story... she left out the my heart health isnt the best at the moment part.... I just heard no.

 Ive learned alot in the past few years of spiraling depression ..... I've learned I just dont try anymore. I believe I cant do anything and have completely stopped trying.

I've given up on loosing 100 lbs...
given up on actually going back to australia, ( I should be there right now... I had a trip planned)
given up on being mentally stable,
and being the person I know God made me to be.

So if this turns into another one of my I can do it, failed attemps at something blog so be it.
At least I tried. and will hopefully keep trying......

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Sarah in Seattle

To me its home of
Coffee- Which I don’t drink
Hipsters – Who don't exactly mix with my small town county self
Salmon – which I don’t eat
Rain and gloom- Which don’t mix with Depression

Yet somehow God has open some doors or giant windows I have no choice to walk through. I mean I'm kicking and screaming but gonna go anyways. Cause I think its time for an adventure, I mean come on, we all know I'm allergic to life in Austin.

So yes its official I'm moving to Seattle. Luckily for me some close friends are making the jump too. Basically I'm hitch hiking with them all the way to my moms.

I'll be living with her while I attempt to get my mental health under control, a job, and some money in my pockets.

All in all I really am excited about this adventure. I have about a week left and tons to due.

You can pray pray pray for
safe travels
Calm emotions
someone to buy my non running car
the energy to pack
Stephanie and Andrew while we figure out what to do with my part of the lease and/or the money to pay out the last two months.
My mother and I while we attempt to live together again after 9 years
Calm emotions
a new home church
supernatural knowledge of Seattle's public transportation
Calm emotions
and most importantly a job.

If you are a super packer or just want to visit please feel free to come by!

Secretly, or not so secretly, I'm really hoping this is a segway back to oz but who knows what God has in store.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Bus stop HATE

As y’all know the bus stop isn't my favorite place. If you've been in my neighborhood at night you understand why unless given a ride, I don't leave the house after dark. Our part is great but the bus stop is not. The walk there is brutal on most days but sometimes in the morning its cool enough to actually be enjoyable.

This morning was one of those. I got all dressed up to go to an interview, did my makeup, hair, and pulled myself together with my “FFA Disney overdone” smile and rockin personality to go yet another interview. I was so peppy I got to the bus stop early enough to “treat” myself to a kolache and bottle of water from the store across the street, though I wonder if there is a market for bus stop vending machines?

I make it back to the stop and next thing I know a middle aged man ( if I explained him further some might call me racist) was sitting next to me, all of my senses were off (I think due to new meds), yet my gut told me to get up an run.... fast. Of course I ignored my gut because we all know I don't run. Plus I was really excited to eat my breakfast (when you dont have a job a kolache is a spulrge). He keeps talking and next thing I know it I was being touched.

For some reason I felt like I was in a dream state mixed with lots of Seriously! After everything going on in my life right now this cant be happening....like really its 9:30 in the morning, all I want this job and to eat...... this isnt real.. God seriously... It was real and it was happening.

Fast forward passed the touching, yelling, comments, the purse grab, the 911 call and me shoving him away.

Lucky for me there was a patrol in the area... ya know.... cause this is the “east” side or whatever. It took the police hardly anytime to get there and I was super impressed. I did however wish I was in Snyder where someone on the block has a gun near their porch but nope. I'm in hipster land.

During one of my crying spells with the police, trust me there were lots, I was so mad about the kolache. Leave it to the fat girl to cry cause some jerk took her food. I mean the touching I can deal with but not the food. That jerk took my 99 cent kolache, UGH. The two policemen agreed that all of my inappropriate comments were better than just having a complete melt down and that lots of people use humor to cope.

Rewind to yesterday. I cheated on my diet and made Alfredo for the first time in months. It was wonderful, until I spent most of the day “hugging the porcelain throne” while my body rejected all that pasta.
Then today I got the Kolache.

Moral of the story is that I should never cheat on my diet..... or maybe just avoid that bus stop. Or both.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Invisible Illness

I'm currently sitting on a blanket outside in my back yard staring at the clouds and trying to force myself not to think. I set a timer for 15 mins just so I could be outside today. On of the many things I “should” do to help myself heal while the medicine does its job

Eat 3 meals a day
Take the medicine
Keep your space livable
dont shut people out
apply for jobs
Dont worry about my non working car
Exercise at least 15 mins a day
Keep up with therapy and appointments
Don't isolate
Don’t spend too much time on social media
Listen to music
Limit TV
Have fun
Keep it to your self
Learn to say no
Learn to relax
Sleep well
Keep a list of your symptoms
Learn your triggers
Don't think about Australia
Focus 100 % on finding a job
Read more
Pray harder
Don't blame your self
Don't take naps
Answer the phone even if you dont want to
Just Smile
Choose Joy

This is a list of things that I need to do, someone has told me to do, or have found online when suffering from Mental illness.

Personally its all extremely overwhelming. How about we add breath, don't scream at people, and turn on the lights to the list. These are the hardest for me at the moment. 

I like Sundays. I can function on a Sunday, at least for about 4 hours or so before retreating to nap the day away. Its in those hours at church when I remember who I once was and can still be again. Its singing or laughing or just sitting around watching people and their families that reminds me that I am in fact still alive and breathing. Sometimes it feels like this is all just a dream ( dont worry, they say its a symptom and total normal for someone with my mental state).

The rest of the week is the hard part. Mondays blah, Tuesdays Blah- unless we have bible study and I get enough willpower to take the bus to get there, Wednesdays more blah- unless bible study repeat process, Thursdays nope, Friday and Saturday are the worst. They are the days in which I want to get out and have fun but cant. I just sit here doing the same things over and over but adding the seeing friends out having fun while I sit at home thing. ( which sometimes makes the depression worse. Its a viscous cycle)
Just know that I'm trying. Trying to function, trying to leave the house, trying to hold on the the last threads of friendship that I haven't pushed away or blocked out. I'm in my late 20s and I should have my crap together now, or at least a plan on how I'm going to get there.

I've learned some things in the online/pintrest world called “Invisible Illnesses”. These people may not look sick, or show their symptoms (some life threatening) on the outside but fight a unseen battle daily. I'm not just talking about Depression, Bipolar, or Mental illnesses, Lupus, Fibromialgia, Chronic Fatigue are all examples of Invisible Illnesses. If you know someone (besides me) suffering from an “Invisible Illness” reach out to them. They might need it, they might not even know they need it but they do. Just a simple thinking about you will suffice, you dont have to visit or bring them meals ( though for some that is needed) or spend hours on the phone listening to them cry. For me personally its extremely hard to answer the phone or texts sometimes, You might think well she isn't “doing” anything else... yes, I am. I'm trying to live without spending every day crying for hours on the bathroom floor ( more on my “safe” place later). It doesn't mean they don’t effect me or encourage me. This week I had one of my super good friends growing up message me just to say hang in there and don’t give up, It meant the world. Another friend keeps sending me pictures of her precious baby girl with have a good day messages. I got about 6 before I ever responded, yet she kept sending them. Casey calls me everyday when he gets off work, even if I'm a total Bword to him for no reason(besides the obvious fact that im cray cray right now). Then there is Jared who doesn't complain when insomnia kicks in and I blow up his phone since Australia time difference means he is awake.
Not exactly sure why this iceberg resembles Africa.

People don't need lists of things they should and shouldn't do to cope.

People need love, support, and comfort even if they don’t want it.

They NEED it.

Mental illness is selfish, and ugly but at the end of the day we are still called to love just as Jesus did. Something I think the Church can work on. So I'm starting with me, Im going to attempt to love as Jesus did, despite my issues.

Monday, June 2, 2014

30 Days of Hustle: Why

If your reading this and you don't know me, it means I grew a pair and actually posted this somewhere public. Instead of my own personal fb aka the hustle page.

I signed up to do Jon Acuff's 30 days of hustle. Mostly because I did his start challenge and royally failed, and now God has given me no choice but to get my life in order health wise. So why now actually participate in his thing.

So my  Hustle Goal for the next 30 Days is " To be more responsible with my health, fiances, and relationships.

I can do that for 30 days right?!?

Day 2's challenge was to think about a WHY.  WHY is this my goal?

My weight is obvious. I must lose weight for my heart, high blood pressure, kidneys, eyes (I'm learning to rock the glasses) and ovaries. I no longer have any other choice. Well besides stroke or heart attack. As weird as it may sound, the thought of not dying from a fat man disease isn't what keeps me from eating pizza at the moment. Its not the thought of having someone fall in love with me, its not finding Mr right and living happily ever after. Its not my dreams of wearing a nice swim suit next time I'm in Australia either. Its Babies. I want to have children if that's a possibility, adopt or even be a foster parent with kids only in my life for the time.
Why do I want to get my health in order? Babies. Or the possibilities of babies. That's the end goal, a family. A healthy family.
( I know that most likely a husband will come before this, which may be a pretty rad reward but for the first time in my life im not trying to loose weight for a man...... and that feels really good) (( I also am well aware that I may never get married or fall in love again. That doesn't mean I can't foster ;) ))

Mental health is another huge why. I'm currently off all anxiety and Anti-Depressants. Its a scary feeling knowing that at any moment I could just freak out. I hardly got out of bed this weekend and spent the majority of it trying to force myself to get out of bed. This morning at work I threw my phone clear across the room in front of everyone in a fit of rage, which wasn't the wisest but thankfully its been okay for the most part. I can slowly feel my self isolating again but maybe that's what I need right now. To be alone.  I'm just letting God handle it. I usually roll my eyes when people use that term, I gave it to God, but I did. Now I'm just taking it one day at a time, sometimes minutes at a time.  It is also shocking to feel again. The good and the bad, I'm feeling it. I cried at a movie, and laughed out loud at a book. Its interesting how sometimes to shut down the bad, the medicines strip away the good.


Finances- I blow all my money on food. It's very simple. Food is my friend and food costs money.
I need to pay for my trip to Chicago for my Uncles Wedding next month. I also need to look nice,and if I keep succeeding I will need a new dress or two in smaller sizes :) 
Also I'm going to Sydney in October come hail or high water. 
not to mention bills and general adult crap like debt. ;) 
but mostly sydney, finances must be in order so I can go back.

Last but not least relationships. Not that I have a few different boyfriends, I don't have any :( I'm talking about true friendships. I once read, heard, or saw something that basically said be the friendyou need. I want to genuallu pray for and encourage my friends. I want to not be so wrapped up in my depression issues not to be available when they need me. I want to love them as Christ loves me. I want to take into account what it means to be brothers and sisters in Christ. God gave me a big emotional heart(and everything else) and I need to use that love and mercy I feel. Now hide it away because saying you were on my heart today makes me sound like a weirdo.

So there you have it.
 My "whys"

If you read my blog often you may be waiting for a weightloss update. If not your welcome to start :)

16.4 lbs down in May.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Love notes- Hey You

Our bible study was going through a book called "Love Notes." The author wrote letters to his wife before he met her and now he has a book.....

I've been challenged throughout my life to write my future husband (if I have one) by my mom, friends, books and more. I do it more than you'd think, So tonight I decided to share.

Hey you,
I'm currently sitting in chilis alone. An hour ago I was wailing in my bathroom floor for no real reason besides me having a bad day, sick of being alone, and the fact that I lost that tight grip I've had on my emotions lately. I also caught a glimpse of my ugly cry face in the mirror and that's just not healthy. As you've read so many times before I pray you never see that side of me. The crazy warewolf side who is always on edge and out of control. Sadly if your reading this you will know that this is not a dream that will come true.

I have a big drs appointment tomorrow. Nothing that life altering but, my current blood pressure issues are much worse than I'd like to think. The stress of trying to keep my anxiety and stress down while completely changing the way I eat and live is exhausting. I have a feeling this is why I've been so crazy, and beyond lonely this week. Complete fear. Maybe that's why I'm in a restaurant alone writing you at the moment, I can't get much more pathetic.

I did however loose 7 lbs, get a spray tan and go to Brandon's wedding alone this week so that deserves something.

In less depression news. I'm singing a really hard/High song on Sunday. By now you have most likely heard my range from the good, the bad and ugly but you know how hard it is for me. I'm just so excited that by letting go of some inhibitions God is allowing me to grow in my gift. I'm still not sure is I believe "correctly" about woman worship leaders but I'm reading a book that is really helpful. Christy Knockles has written come of it and we all know how much I loooove her. As long as I pretend I'm singing in the car to God I think I might just be okay. Once upon a time I wished that my voice was what you fell in love with long before me. Is that weird.
Yeah I thought so too.

Did you ever had bad days like this?Weeks? Years? Did you ever eat alone and wonder what it would be like not to have to. ( Sundays are my worst) To always have someone to come home to? To sing with? To travel with? To laugh and cry with?
Or in my case cry and cry with.

I can feel God pursuing me for something greater yet somehow I keep pushing Him away. I hope I don't do the same with you..... How can I allow a man to pursue me when I have a hard time with my Creator loving me and showing me He cares. I mean God is the one who created my ugly cry. He sees it way more than most.
Of course you have never ever seen that ugly cry face, cause I'm Sarah and I have my emotions under control.

Except for tonight, yesterday, the day before that, and most likely tomorrow.

I'm so ready to meet you, or if I already know you... Well you know what I mean.
I never know how to end these.
By now you know I'm a total goofball though so