Tuesday, April 23, 2013

No Biggest Loser, Makeover, and other ramblings

Its that time again. The time of year where my news feed, twitter, and email fill up about biggest loser castings and such. Unfortunatlly I will not be auditioning this year. I just feel like its what God wants me to focus on right now. With that being said I’m not going to make any promises I can’t keep. I’ve been working so much there isn’t as much time to run as I used to. Ive been walking and doing stretching in the mornings. I also have a few 5k’s 8, and even a 10k on my radar.

Yesterday was rough for me emotionally and mentally. I got my hair done at the salon and was so so nervous. I trusted Jason ( colorist) and Chelsey (stylist) to not make me look like a fool but it was just hard. I know my beauty comes from within but after donating my hair a few months ago I just haven’t felt it.
I may be fat but I had great hair and great eyes. That’s what I’ve told myself since about 16 so to mess with my hair was a big no no for me.

After my makeover, I had a new bounce in my step, and compliment after compliment. I couldn’t sleep last night ( what else is new), and was just laying in bed thinking when my best friend self hate started to whisper in my ear.  Do y’all ever have those nights? I know my joy and strength comes from the Lord so this morning I just tried to push all those thoughts out and own my new do ;)

I’m burning out. I’m not made to work 60 hrs a week, my mom keeps reminding me it hasn’t even been a full month yet. This morning they mentioned some changes to hours at the salon and I immediately wanted to cry. Noooo I need the money, more work more work more work. Funny how I had already forgotten that I sat in the car and prayed this morning that God would give me a break if I needed it. I may be getting one. I really just want a full day off, maybe two haha

I’m struggling with the Overcome the Lie Challenge. I’m so tired by the time I get home I can’t think enough to sit down and write which is the whole reason I did this in the first place. So I could document my 40 days. One of the hardest lies that we are working to overcome have to do with my voice and weight. So we shall (hopefully) see what comes of those soon.
I’m homesick for Snyder and Sydney heaps these days…………….. But seeing my Grandparents and my little brother Graduate is more important at this moment. What’s the point of 60 hour weeks if you don’t spend time with people you love. Praying that it all works out ;)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Clearing out brain space.

My head is clogged.

Our House is for sale. Someone buy it. Raise your family there. Love the sounds of a Friday Night Football game or early morning band practices. I listened to Miranda Lambert's "House That Built Me"  on repeat this morning and got all of my tears out. I really thought I was going to raise my own children in that house someday, or always have Christmas's there with my old and grey mother.... God must have different plans for us.

We were supposed to get our paychecks yesterday but due to a shipping error there wouldn't arive until today. When I got to work they informed me they were at another location but wouldn't be here until Monday. I said how about I go get them myself... So I jumped in the car and went picked them up. Maybe the folks I work with tonight will be super appreciative and tip me out decent :)

I get my hair did on Monday.- Nervous!
I love working at the Salon and Spa. I get to pretend to be someone I'm not, then one day hope I've faked it till I've made it.

There is a bug who must live in a pair of shoes. Everytime I've warn them this week I've gotten bites... Or it lives under the desk at work. Both of which are gross and creepy.

Its sad when the most excited thing your going to buy with this paycheck is good toilet paper, q-tips and laundry soap. Or slim fast. Its a toss up between which I'm more excited about. Dollar Tree has been my friend on this exploration of life on my own but sometimes you just have to splurge on the decent stuff.

I'm  on day 5 of the 40 Day Overcome the Lie Challenge and I feel God doing something awesome in my life. Praying He will reveal where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do!* on another note I'm open to suggestions* I've been praying that God will make some things "Slap in the face clear!"

My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

speaking of spa....I listen to spa music 7 hours a day.... there is this one creepy carny song that I can never catch to thumbs down on pandora. well folks I caught it today! BAM

Both of my Grandparents (Dads)  in Georgia & NC are dealing with Lung Cancer issues and junk. I haven't publicly asked for prayer yet because I haven't properly dealt with it... But how selfish of me is that, so would you please join  me in prayer for the strength to fight and miraculous healing. Pray for my Dad and aunt Cathy who are dealing with both parents being ill.
On that note im not putting up with smoking around me.......... if I see you I'll put it out myself.
Think about your future kids and grandkids.

My stomach growling is echoing throughout the spa today.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Insert Awesome title here....

Sometimes I wish I had someone to be real with (besides my mom): To be completely and utterly honest with and not have to sugarcoat things. To say I got so upset today instead of putting more gas in my car I ate 20 nuggets and a double cheeseburger and broke my 2 day no Cokes stretch, I also bit off all the nails I’ve been working so hard to grow. I kinda wanted to have a total Brittany Spears meltdown and shave my head and beat cars with an umbrella.   

In fact I wish everyone were like this. Transparent, open, and broken. 

I have wonderful friends in which I can call at any hour of the night but there is something about today that was different.

I wanted to punch the lady interviewing me for saying I needed to fix my face, wear makeup and have something done with my hair before working there today. Not gonna lie. It hurt. A bunch.
I fixed my hair, had on my best outfit, mascara, my sparkly powder (abby tells me this went out of style a few years ago)  earrings ( like my mother taught me) and NAILED my interview. They wanted to hire me and I wanted to work there until that comment.  Part of me says okay, go ahead and give me a makeover so I will be your rockstar “salon coordinator.” The other part of me is still that “linebacker ballerina” funny fat girl who will just cry about it and use my skills elsewhere.

I’m tired of acting like I have it together. I’m even more tired of making Goals and Promises to myself or others that I’m not ever going to live up to.
Maybe I’ll make the Goal of more Jesus and let everything else fall into place.
Stopping cokes and loosing more weight isn’t going to get me out of debt or land me a second job.  Losing 100 lbs isn’t going to make prince charming come any faster.  Working and never making time to enjoy life won’t help much either. I need to stop making plans and junk and just seek more Jesus. More worship. More life!!! More JOY!!!!!!

Psalm 4:7
You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound
Psalm 16:9
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure
Psalm 30:5
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 63:7
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
Colossians 1:11
being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully