Friday, January 31, 2014

6'2 and the Future

My friend sent me this song the other day. She was like hey, this song reminded me of you. I immediately listened to it and so so wished I was a song writer. I cried a bit too, it was comforting to hear someone else feel the same way I do sometimes. Plus we all know 4th of July is my favorite holiday.

Its no secret this week has been rough. All I have wanted is a hug. A hug from someone that would make the pain and crazyness with the kids and life just a little better. To get lost for a few seconds and feel like everything will be alright and I'm not quite alone.

I joke about it often but I currently have everything I ever wanted. A house and kids. That's all I have really wanted for the past 7 or so years, a family, babies to love and cook dinner for. Sadly I never thought it wouldn't be with my husband. I'm by no means complaining i just think its funny.

Last night at 3 am while angry I only dreamed about laundry, I listened to this song again. I wondered if my future husband was somewhere feeling the same way. I mean I know guys don't sit around writing sappy love songs about not caring about their wifes looks. It just really got me thinking...

Do I really not care what my husband looks like?
Do I want to let the Lord take His sweet sweet time?
Am I in such a rush to get married, I don't care what I look like?  cause really I want to be a wife someone is proud of.
Do I really want to be the best version of me possible before I meet him ( if I haven't already)?
Will I really wait for the person I know God has or will I settle for the first person who says I love you again?
Have I delt with my monsters?  Has He? Do I want him to now or later? 
Would I rather wait for the man God is shaping or do I just want it now?
Do I want him to be stable? Will I ever be stable enough for a marraige? 
Will he want to travel? do I want to travel or have babies more?
Will he be willing to try for biological freckle faced babies? am I? 
Will I be able to handle the pain and loss that is bound to come with that?
Which led me into a downward spiral questions about adoptions, depression and all that comes with the fact that I forever have a label preventing many agencies from letting me adopt...
I finally drifted off to sleep somewhere around thinking about parenting issues and what if we punish differently....

This morning I realized that I can only answer one of those questions...
YES- I want the Lord to take his sweet sweet time.

So until then I will listen to this song and John Mayers Love song for No one and wish I were a songwriter.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.

I woke up three times last night with such anxiety and fear that something would happen to these boys I've grown to love so much. I then started thinking of how God must have felt letting his son die on a cross for you and me and Abraham about to sacrifice Issac.

 No way dude..... No possible way.

I can hardly think about letting the boys go visit their mom without my stomach flipping and turning in knots. I can't imagine what Steph is going through (we don't really talk about it because if we break down we might not stop). and they aren't even our kids.

I hate hate hate being vague but basically if push comes to shove we have to let them go back. Yes we are working with CPS, Yes the proper folks have been notified, No there is nothing we can do, its just how the system works.

I know I should take comfort in the fact that God has them, but guess what? Bad things still happen and thats the part that terrifies me. Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging and I fully believe that God has this 100 % yet sometimes I just want to say hellllllo. We live in the real world and the real world stinks.

When I was little I thought I'd be the best fat actress on Broadway, then I thought I was going to go to A&M marry a farmer, work in poultry and be a wifey, later I thought I'd live in austin and be a mom, lose 100 lbs and teach music to inner city crazies, then I thought maybe I could be a ministers wife, then I thought who needs a man and moved to Australia in which I thought I'd lose 100 lbs and live happily ever after serving my heart out at a mega church, without babies because by this time its 99 % sure I wont be having them naturally. Then I've spent the past 3 years trying not to let myself dream or think and avoid disappointment/hurt at all cost.

 I was fine. I was fine being alone and just living day to day with no real dreams besides good food and visiting Sydney again. I blocked off my heart and was fine. I got to hide behind my food and depression and I thought if I hid there long enough then I wouldn't have love again, which means I wouldn't have to hurt or be disappointed. 

Then God got sick of my crap and SHOVED these two kids in my life and now my heart is bare and open to hurt again and it sucks stinks in the best possible way. 

and I'm scared. 

Nothing may happen. It may be fine,  we may have prayed our way out of custody issues  and this weekends visit will go swimmingly. Or it may not,  we may be preparing for a battle that without God we not strong enough to go through alone.

Being a grown up stinks and is wonderful all at the same time, but weeks like this I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

I want to break some toys.

I have wanted to break something all weekend. I keep having awful visions of me snapping Nerf guns in half. Stephanie and I are worn out. These kids don't understand the value of anything, cars, toys, legos, cell phones even if they are broken , Popsicles, even down to wasting rather expensive gluten free bread. They just don't get it. All of the things in our house have value and cost money, even the wall just just kicked through or the door you destroyed with your nails.

During a fit this weekend I said ya know, every time you intentionally destroy something of ours I'll do the same to you, all the while hoping I would get the change to snap a toy in half with my awesome sarah hulk power. About 3 this morning I realized how horrible I sounded....

I'm so so thankful that God does not have the same bad attitude parenting that I did this weekend. He loves me no matter what. Sure I can sabotage God given relationships, break jobs and opportunities, abuse my body, and not “play” with the gifts hes given me. Thankfully He is still there though. If I throw a fit and say “GOD I'M NEVER SINGING AGAIN” he doesn’t take that away from me. I can scream about how much I hate something, or whine about how much I don't want to do that chore.... yet he is still right there listening and loving me with all the patience in the world.

The Lord is slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression...
Numbers 14:18

Stephanie and I aren't the ones who can calm these boys down, we can't “fix it”, or take their pain away.... All we can do is love them like Jesus loves us and pray we make a difference.

All that being said... we need prayer.
This weekend was rough.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Wants and needs for 2014

This isn't what I thought my life would be like in 2014. Up way too early on a Saturday morning worried about kids because I couldn't see them on their bikes. Plus I spent last night with six 9-12 year old boys in my living room.

Who am I and what happened to Sarah?

I've always been a firm believer that Gods ways are so much greater than my ways. That He knows what he is doing way more than me. Lately though I've started to question.
Maybe its the start of the new year and thinking about change and such....

I want to travel.
I want to become a really awesome cook.
I want to go to my last 7 out of the 50 states before I'm 30.
I want to backpack through Europe.
I want to go on a cruise again.
I want to swim in every ocean.
I want to fall in love.
I want to own a house/farm/condo/flat- I want to own something
I want to see the world and make a difference in others lives.

I need to lose 100 lbs and go back to AUS ( yes in that order)
I need to get my mental health in order.
I need to pay off debt.
I need to buy a reliable car.
I need to finish a half marathon.
I need to be healthy
I need to get a degree.
I need to help with these boys.

What I want and what I need are two very different things.

Instead of a New Years Resolution that I will most likely fail I'm going to jump on the one word for 2014 band wagon.

This year I'm not going to let my depression/satan stop me from living.