I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.

I woke up three times last night with such anxiety and fear that something would happen to these boys I've grown to love so much. I then started thinking of how God must have felt letting his son die on a cross for you and me and Abraham about to sacrifice Issac.

 No way dude..... No possible way.

I can hardly think about letting the boys go visit their mom without my stomach flipping and turning in knots. I can't imagine what Steph is going through (we don't really talk about it because if we break down we might not stop). and they aren't even our kids.

I hate hate hate being vague but basically if push comes to shove we have to let them go back. Yes we are working with CPS, Yes the proper folks have been notified, No there is nothing we can do, its just how the system works.

I know I should take comfort in the fact that God has them, but guess what? Bad things still happen and thats the part that terrifies me. Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging and I fully believe that God has this 100 % yet sometimes I just want to say hellllllo. We live in the real world and the real world stinks.

When I was little I thought I'd be the best fat actress on Broadway, then I thought I was going to go to A&M marry a farmer, work in poultry and be a wifey, later I thought I'd live in austin and be a mom, lose 100 lbs and teach music to inner city crazies, then I thought maybe I could be a ministers wife, then I thought who needs a man and moved to Australia in which I thought I'd lose 100 lbs and live happily ever after serving my heart out at a mega church, without babies because by this time its 99 % sure I wont be having them naturally. Then I've spent the past 3 years trying not to let myself dream or think and avoid disappointment/hurt at all cost.

 I was fine. I was fine being alone and just living day to day with no real dreams besides good food and visiting Sydney again. I blocked off my heart and was fine. I got to hide behind my food and depression and I thought if I hid there long enough then I wouldn't have love again, which means I wouldn't have to hurt or be disappointed. 

Then God got sick of my crap and SHOVED these two kids in my life and now my heart is bare and open to hurt again and it sucks stinks in the best possible way. 

and I'm scared. 

Nothing may happen. It may be fine,  we may have prayed our way out of custody issues  and this weekends visit will go swimmingly. Or it may not,  we may be preparing for a battle that without God we not strong enough to go through alone.

Being a grown up stinks and is wonderful all at the same time, but weeks like this I want my doll Jammie Pies, my mommy, and to listen to Desert Song on repeat while hiding under the covers.