Not today emotions.

Some days are harder than others to pretend I'm doing okay without the boys.

Yesterday for example was good. Despite my horrible migraine, then the Curing of the migraine with a bagel, which is carbs which I have done relatively good at scaling back on. 

I went to a new bible study, even got to joke around and really felt like Sarah again.

I have this calandra of days where I feel like myself and I was just so expectant for today.

Funny how satan knew that. Cause today is winning.

In the middle of my an argument with my employer I get a text from a Sweet friend who had pictures of them from a night she kept them. And I lost it.

Full on just went to my car and wailed at God for some peace and understanding. I'm beyond the point of asking Him why or even for them back. I just want some Philippians 4:7 peace (And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) I want to be able to function and not miss them every day, or hour, I want to know 100% that God has them and they are fed, clothed, loved and cared for. 

Like I'm fine if God is closing this this chapter in my life but geeze...... Not today emotions. Those need to stay tucked away until I have the proper time to deal with them.

 

Do it for Bill and update on the boys...

I don't know how many times I've written "this" blog. You know the one about being at rock bottom and needed to get my crap together.

The boys are gone, they are with their mother, CPS is handling it the only way they can, the police were there, it was ugly and horrible and I never ever ever want to go through it again.  Sunday at lunch our pastors 5yr old asked where they were and if he'd ever see them again....

I made the same decision I've made for the past 2 weeks. 

Detach, don't think about it, don't feel.....and lie, through my teeth lie.

So when you ask me how I am doing or if I'm okay. I'm not, I'm lying with the hopes that one day I will be.

( I know many if you have a slew of supportive prayers, messages, thoughts and comments right here, I know I could see them tomorrow because God is in control...... But in order for me to function I need to live in worse case scenario land so I can't deal)

So all that to say, 

Guess what I've been doing????

That's right!!!

EATING MY FEELINGS!!!!

God somehow used this horrible time in my life to make my close friends "grow a pair" and on separate occasions be brutally honest about my weight.

The "you know we love you but you have to stop" or " I'm only saying this because I love you." Luckily for me (them) I have zero fight left in me at the moment so I didn't go on the verbal defense . One of these was a friend who I've known since we were 11, she has loved me through all of my ever changing weight cycles and knew me before I was fat, and has never once mentioned it in a negative way growing up and She still hasn't. She leads the "you are beautiful just the way your are"charge....

But she is preggo and through a series of conversations and jokes she said well " do it for bill"

She was right.

If I'm honest with myself and others, I'll most likely never loose weight for "myself." 

I didn't do it for a boy, didn't do it for Ivan and Marcus, not for Australia, not for my health, nothing has made me want to do it really.

Until she mentioned Bill and I really started thinking about about babies, how much I long to be a mother, Ivan and Marcus, and how I really can't adopt or have babies if I too fat to even breath. How we have been friends for so long and there is a baby. And maybe.....just maybe if I get my crap together and health in order I might have (foster,adopt,birth) a "Bill" of my own

But until then I'm attempting to not be selfish, fat, lazy, un motivated and "Do It for Bill"

Is this why I suffer from Depression?

I wrote this the other night in the hospital waiting on them to transfer Marcus. I was too emotional to function or pray properly so I thought maybe writing would help. This isn't well written nor was it ever meant to be seen but there is something to be said about how my mind works when in these situations. Things I can't articulate on the normal day to day. So I figured I'd post it anyways. Oh and of course pictures from our crazy crazy week.


Is this why I suffer from depression?

Do you allow me to feel the pit of despair so that I can crawl down to the bottom of a scary hole with these kids?

do I suffer so that when "I say honey I know how you feel they will know I mean it"?

Is this why my family suffers so that we can stand united (and medicated) to make sure these kids get the help they need? Because half of us have been there?

Did we all have to suffer from mental illness so that they know how the boys and I feel?

Is this why I suffer from mental illness?

Have you allowed me to feel such pain and loss by not having kids yet so that I can give them my everything?

Is this why Stephanie lost the love of her life so that we could both be so broken yet so available to love and care for these kids?

Is the why you haven't healed me? So that I can relate and explain to a terrified 9 year old boy that yes the shot is scary but it will make him feel better?

Is this why you let me go up and down on emotional roller coasters everyday so I will know how to navigate what is happening like its nothin new. Because of course bad things keep happening with my little black rain cloud.

God, everyone keeps telling me to tell the boys to pray and let You comfort them when they are scared yet how do you explain to children that yes You are there but were also there while they were battered, neglected and abused. I'm not mad at you. Sin happens. Sin sucks but at least give me the strength to not scream at these people when they start in on those things. I just want to say well how about you come tell him to pray about it while you get bit, punched, kicked, and your hair pulled. Cause it totally works that way and Stephanie and I really love getting beat up by these kids, our bruises make for great conversation starters.
Is this why you've let me be abnormally calm so that I keep thoughts and feelings like those to myself since we both know my mouth gets me in trouble...

 Is this why I know what it's like to be that out of control?

Is all of this why I suffer from mental illness ?
Cause if so I guess I should say thank you.

But seriously if we are going to keep the craziness coming I need a vacation, preferably in Australia.