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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Where did that girl go?

On Sunday I had a short conversation with my worship leader that ended in me sending him some recordings/videos of my voice. If you know me you know this came as a shocking surprise and instantly sent me into an anxiety spiral. I know that God gave me a voice and that I am to use it to honor Him. He has made that abundantly clear, what isn't so clear is why I still dislike the sound of my voice, critique and rip every performance to shreds. Hello insecurity.

While digging through old Youtube videos and sound board mixes I stumbled across a class performance of " You Said"
One of the girls singing was beautiful. You could tell she sparkled despite the bad video quality. Her voice was powerful and it was evident she believed every word she was singing. She didn't seem to care her hair was a mess or that she was the largest person on stage. She was living her dreams and had everything going for her that day.

That girl was me.

I sobbed as I watched it over and over along with many others. I can't find that girl. Where did she go? Did I leave her in Australia? Did depression and mental illness rob me of my sparkle? I haven't sang like that in a while on stage. I do in my "Sheldon spot" 4th row end chair from the last section at church now, I'm so far back so that no one can hear me and so I don't distract many with my semi extravagant worship (disclaimer, I love my church and if I were to stand front and center, no one would notice or care, hello insecurity again).  I miss her.

 The woman I've become is so so so much stronger than that girl was though. If I told her about the weeks she would stay in bed, how many jobs she'd lost or quit because life was too hard to handle at times, If I told her about her friends and church forcing and paying for her to seek help, or that she would gain 80lbs,  she would have laughed in my face.

I've been on this medicine for 5 months now and I'm starting to see glimpses of her again. God reminded me of that Monday as I was getting ready for bible study goofing off with my Mom pretending I had on parachute pants and it was hammer time. He's reminding me as I try and come out of my shell, make friends and invite people places and into my life, that girl loved people and community. The last 5 years may have been dark, scary and hard but I'm still in there. I'm still me.




Love this from Hillsong Young and Free- This is living (I personally love the acoustic version. Real one is great but way to "peppy" for me)
See the sun now bursting through the clouds
Black and white turns to color all around
All is new, in the Savior I am found



Thursday, January 1, 2015

New year!



I woke up this morning and couldn't help but think about last year. I'm at my friend David's house south of Seattle. I cooked, we shot off fireworks and showed his Australian friend how Americans do NYE.
Today we are putting our Hillsong College educations to use and busting out a youth formal today. I don't know how but I'm I charge of the food. Luckily we have about 200 pizza rolls, bagel bites and other wonderful "finger foods". How did I get here? When I met David 4 years ago I never would have dreamed we'd be here.

This week has been horribly hard. I made it through Christmas without a total melt down but not this week. I can't shake the loneliness. The need to be with people who know me, knew my year and walked in and out of the hellish pit last year. People who understand why I cry for no reason, long to visit Sydney and want nothing more than to see the boys again. God has placed wonder new friends in my life at work and church but in my heart I wanted to be home. Though home is a place that doesn't exist anymore...

Last year at this time my greatest fear was that the boys would get taken away. Then it happened. My heart broke in so many ways. I spent most of the later part of the year attempting to recover from that. After another few trips down the depression hole I didn't think I'd make it to 2015, let alone be functioning and medicated enough to hold a stressful job, find a new church and attempt to find my way here in Washington.

2014 taught me that through Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit I'm much stronger than I thought.

Last year I
became a mom.
Fell back in love with Worship.
I went to concerts and musicals and tried to make myself remember what fun felt like.
In the end my heart was broke. But I experienced this insane overwhelming love for Ivan and Marcus.
Climbed of out my pit and into medication
I lost 37.8 lbs!
Met Bill ( best friends baby) and became aunt Sarah.
And moved to Seattle.

For once I'm looking forward to this year, closing a few chapters behind me and focusing on me and my health.
2015 should be the best yet!!!



Ps these pictures were not meant to reflect my weight loss but because they are in order they have...